


Changing Footprints

by BflyW



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Werewolf, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-04-06
Packaged: 2017-11-03 03:29:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 57,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BflyW/pseuds/BflyW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where werewolves and humans live side by side and mate with each other, lives Jared Padalecki – a young lone werewolf in a family of humans. The moment he meet the fullblood werewolf Jensen Ackles, his life changes and he goes from being a high school kid to the bondmated beta to an alpha male.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if you have issues reading dub-con and/or certain characters as bottom, then read: (spoilers for story): Jared is not naturally a bottom, but he thinks he has to bottom, so he does. Because he does this reluctantly, I have labeled this dub-con. Jensen never forces himself on Jared with the intent to harm him. More details in the end notes after last chapter.

 

Jared, a lone wolf in a family otherwise consisting of unaffected human carriers, trots through the open fields on his way toward the forest. He has just left his home and lays miles underneath his paws in matter of minutes. At home, his family waits for him, about to celebrate his 18th birthday.

He loves the freedom of the forest. When he was a pup, he was only allowed out in the garden. Thank god they have a big garden, but even a huge garden soon became too small for someone who can run across it in four long leaps. As he grew older, he was given freedom to run freely, and he has long since learned these woods -- every corner, every twist of the path, and every cave to hide and play. He knows where the water runs low in the stream and where the current is too strong to swim across -- that lesson learned the hard way. He was dragged downstream a good 300 feet before he was able to get ashore, something he never told his mom.

His mom is always worried about him and doesn’t relax until he’s back in her house. He understands; he’s her baby after all. He just wishes she would trust him a little bit more and see that he does have instincts after all.

 _He_ feels safe though. He keeps to known terrain and stays far away from the wild werewolves' territories so that he won’t accidentally cross into their land. Even though werewolves and humans have lived side by side for centuries now, there still are wild packs that refuse to mix with the civilized world, and though he’s a werewolf himself, he would be looked upon as an enemy just for having human blood.

He knows he smells different; has the stench of a human. But not even full-blooded wolves living in the civilized world would be welcome in the wild pack area. The nearest wild pack lives about 10 miles from the edge of the woods and about 5 miles to the west.

Jared lets his paws run freely on the soft grounds of the fields on the outskirts of the small town. He puts the settlement behind him and runs toward the woods with great anticipation of finding a hare or a deer to chase. He’s not hunting food, his human parents feed him well, but he likes the hunt. He likes the feel of outmaneuvering the animals and sharpening his instincts.

He doesn’t kill them though. He once did when he was a mere pup, but his mother told him he was not allowed to.

The first time he caught a hare he brought it home in his mouth. He had run home proud as only a young cub can be, wagging his tail in anticipation, and laid it down on the porch in front of his mother’s feet. The pat on the back and the praising words he had expected had not come; instead, she had yelled at him and grounded him for a week. The worst part though, was that at the next full moon he had again only been let out in the garden and not been allowed to run past their own border.

He had felt wounded to the depth of his soul and could not understand why his mother had acted so harshly; he had only meant to do well. He had been proud as can be only to be yelled at in return, and the punishment had stung like a knife through his heart.

He had eventually learned to constrain his hunt to chasing only, and merely counting points in his own head, he was winning every game. It isn’t as satisfying, but it’s better than nothing.

A twig breaks under his paws and he moves fast to the left in order not to be hit by an outstretched branch. He picks up speed and runs as fast as he can across the landscape that opens up before him on the other side of the line of trees. A collection of stones makes it easy for him to cross the river without wetting his fur, and he sprints his fastest up the hill. Finally on top he stops and looks back toward the group of houses he just left behind. They are slowly but steadily being bathed in a low orange glow and he stretches his neck and makes a howl that reverberates across the valley beneath him. He hears his call answered in the distance, but he doesn’t chase the howl, knowing it most likely is a wild wolf answering his own cheerful yip. He barks happily and lays his ears back when he hears the city hall bells strike six times.

“Shit,” he thinks, and sprints as fast as he can back the way he came. He doesn’t care about finding the stones to cross the river, but scuttles through the river where it’s closest. He will have run himself dry by the time he’s home anyway, and it’s not like he will have time to get cold.

He arrives home fifteen minutes late and with his tail between his legs. The veranda door is open and he darts straight for the stairs in the hall behind the kitchen hoping to avoid anyone seeing him in wolf shape.

It’s not that he’s ashamed of being a wolf -- his family is more than supportive -- but he doesn’t feel completely comfortable with it either. It’s private, something he doesn’t like to share.

“There you are,” his mother’s voice sounds over the scrape of his nails against the hardwood floor.

Turning his head to look at her, a whimper escapes his mouth and he bows his head in remorse.

“Okay, go on up then, and be sure to come down soon.”

He barks a happy yip and bustles up the stairs. Seconds after he’s shut the door to his room with his snout he feels the bones start to warp into human shape, leaving a tingling feeling behind as the new anatomy settles. His fur retracts and human skin once again covers his body. The transformation is fast and painless. He picks up underwear and a towel and hurries into the bathroom to take a quick shower before putting on the nicely pressed black pants and a blue button down shirt his mom left on the bed for him. The shirt’s fabric is smooth and silky between his fingers. A gift from his mom. Every year, there is a new shirt waiting for him for the party. A glance in the mirror ensures his hair is in order before tramping down the stairs to the waiting guests.

“Happy birthday, Jay-bird,” Chad yells even before he’s fully down the stairs. His friend throws himself around Jared’s neck. “Eighteen years old and still as ugly as ever.”

“Yeah, still prettier than you though,” Jared throws back, not bothering to remove Chad’s arms. He knows that Chad will lose the grip as soon as he starts walking anyway.

“So, has everyone arrived?” Jared asks, drifting toward the back yard.

“Yeah, you’re the last to arrive at your own birthday party. Classy,” Chad mocks him.

“Yeah, kind of forgot about time.” Jared shrugs.

“Shocker,” Chad laughs, all too well aware that this is a common occurrence with Jared. He also knows that it often has to do with Jared’s frequent chase through the woods.

Jared walks out the door and to the backyard where the party guests are gathered. His grandparents and a couple of cousins walk over to give him a hug. There's Beatrice, born the same year as him, who celebrated her 18th birthday a couple of months ago, and her sister Josefine, who’s two years older. He doesn’t see them often, they live a couple of hours away, and he mainly sees them at family gatherings.

He used to play with Bea quite often when they were younger, until one day when the entire family had been at their grandparents’ house for a weekend. They were celebrating grandma and grandpa’s 40th anniversary, and it happened to fall on a full moon. He wasn’t old enough to control the shifts yet, and as the lunar cycle moved closer to full completion, he had changed uncontrolled. He was only 3 years old at the time, and had shifted in the middle of playing a game of tag.

Bea wasn’t frightened when her cousin suddenly changed; instead she was very delighted to see a pup. She loved pups. Almost to death. He, however, wasn’t that happy about almost being strangled to within an inch of his life. But apparently you aren’t allowed to snap at your 3 year old cousin when you’re a wolf. Not even if she almost chokes you.

Even though his aunt and uncle hadn’t blamed Jared for the incident -- after all, he was just a kid himself -- they were more reluctant about letting their kids around him again. Even his own parents made sure they never again were around other people when the time for his change came close.

And it wasn’t only him that was restrained by this. Even his siblings would suffer. Like that weekend when Jeff couldn’t go to a soccer tournament because of him. Dad had been away on business, and mom had been home alone with the kids. The tournament was scheduled at a full moon weekend, and no one could take him but mom, but Jared was too young to be left alone, and they couldn’t take him with them because of his shift.

Jeff never let him forget about the trophy he didn’t get to have, when his team came in second place in the tournament and he wasn’t there to play.

Of course, Jared had mentioned time and again that it was _because Jeff wasn’t there to play_ that they came in second, but that never went down well. Wolf or not, Jeff has never been afraid to fight with his kid brother when he is sufficiently agitated.

Bea, age 3, on the other hand, had been more willing to forgive, and after a little comfort on her dad’s lap, she had stopped crying after Jared had snapped after her. His own parents had locked him into their grandparents’ enclosed old dog yard where he had to stay until he had calmed down. He can still remember the frustration and distress running through his body as well as the overwhelming feeling of embarrassment when he shifted back. He was too young to understand what he had done wrong, but he was far from too young to feel the eyes on him for being the weird one of the lot.

His grandma had pulled him into her lap and given him a huge hug. Small as he was at that age, he would sink down on her lap and be completely wrapped up in her arms. There was no place as safe as on her knees, and when she topped that off with a chocolate chip cookie, he would soon feel happy again.

Now he pulls his petite grandma into his embrace and inhales the scent of perfume on her skin. It’s heavy and sweet and it hits him like a wave since he’s yet to calm all his senses. The stress from being late – again – has let him forget to close down his instincts, and his senses are wide open. He pulls away for a second and swiftly tunes his senses down before he pulls her into his embrace again. The mixed scents of vanilla and ethanol and something that is distinctly grandma, is for Jared the best smell in the world.

He would have preferred her without the artificial fragrance though, as each and every living creature has their own scent that he picks up on anyway, but this combination of grandma and old perfume is what speaks of sanctuary for him.

“Hello, Jared, how are you my dear?” She kisses him on the cheek and pats him on his head before he stretches up to his full height again.

“Did you grow again?” she asks before he has the time to answer. If anyone ever wonders where he inherited his tendencies to talk a lot, they stop wondering the moment they meet Anna Louisa Padalecki. She has just as great a talent and three times the practice.

“I think I have,” Jared says and thinks about all the trousers that suddenly are too short for his long legs. It drives his mom crazy how he constantly gets into new growth spurts and how she never seems able to keep him in long enough clothes.

“I swear he has grown at least an inch since before the summer,” his mom says from behind him and offers grandma a glass of cold lemonade. The sun has started to set, but it’s still warm and today has been unusually hot. His mom has decorated the trees in their garden with lanterns, and the tables are set with jars filled with scented tea lights to keep the mosquitoes away. He doesn’t care much about the mosquitoes, they don’t seem to like were blood too much, so he hardly ever gets bitten, and if he does, it heals in no time. His mom though, hates the bugs. They love her blood and bite her as often as they can, and her skin usually blisters with angry looking bites.

He kisses his mom hello, apologizing for being late, and she brushes it off for now, but he knows she will give him a speech later about keeping time.

 _If you could just be little bit more like your brother_ she will tell him later, annoyed that he hasn’t inherited the same punctuality as his brother.

His brother is always on time, always ahead of what he’s supposed to do. He always knows what he wants and knows how to reach his goal. Jared however, barely makes it on time to school, and hardly on time anywhere else. He gets too distracted in his own thoughts and often he forgets time, too engaged in the book he’s reading.

“Go help your dad before he burns all the food,” she tells him and pushes him in the direction of the barbeque. He throws an apologetic smile toward Sandy and Chad sitting at the table in the corner of the yard nursing ice cold sodas. They’re the only friends attending his party, the rest of the guests are family.

Sandy’s been his best girl since daycare, and the one he used to picture himself having a future with. They even dated for a few days a couple of years ago, but it ended abruptly with the first kiss. It was too close to kissing his sister, and they both found it too weird. They decided never to try it again and declared themselves _best friends forever_ instead.

Chad moved into the house next door when Jared was ten and Chad was nine. He jumped the fence one day, started talking and has never really left. Not that Jared cares; he likes having Chad around.

It’s not that Jared doesn’t want more friends, it’s more that he doesn’t know how to keep them.

He loves hanging out with Chad and Sandy though, they never make him feel different. He waves at them, but dutifully trots over to his dad to save some hamburgers before they turn into charcoal.

He tends to the barbeque for a while and talks with everyone that walks up to grab a bite to eat. His uncle and aunt both eat their entire meal standing next to him, and grandpa Padalecki has him sneak him one extra hot dog without grandma noticing.

It doesn’t take long though before his brother walks up to him, all smiling and laughing and carrying two cold beers in his hands. He hasn’t seen his brother all day and he suspects he was late driving in. He lives in Chester where he studies medicine and Jared knows that he’s busy with school and his job. For a while it even looked like he wouldn’t be able to make it at all, but he’s here now.

Jared always values spending time with Jeff. They could fight like cats and dogs when they were kids, and Jared used to think he hated him, but now that they’re older he appreciates the friendship they have. Also, it’s easier to stay friends when they don’t see each other all the time anymore. It makes them value each other much more.

“Happy birthday, bro.” Jeff hands him one of the beers and positions himself in front of Jared so that his mom won’t spot him supplying his younger brother with alcohol. “Got any burgers for me?”

“Thanks.” Jared smiles and hands him a plate with a burger and some salad. Jeff sets it down on the side table and grabs the burger with one hand, still holding his beer in the other, but leaves the salad be. “You are free to take over for me anytime so that I don’t have to slave on my own birthday,” Jared continues. He swallows down the beer, keeping an eye out for his mom. She’s standing with her back to him, and his dad is currently inside the house. Grandpa has spotted him, but one nod toward the hotdogs still sweating on the grill is enough to keep him quiet.

Jared finishes his beer, puts it down on the table next to Jeff’s plate and hands Jeff the spatula. Jeff scowls at him but doesn’t protest. They usually guard the grill on each other’s birthday, letting the birthday boy have some time to spend with their friends.

“So,” Jeff says, taking the last bite of his burger before taking his place behind the grill, “having a good day so far?” He speaks around his food and Jared can see way more half-chewed food than he really wants.

“Gross, bro,” he frowns. “Learn to not speak with food in your mouth.” It only earns him an even closer look at Jeff’s food as he opens his mouth wider and leans in to show it to his brother. “But yeah, I’ve had a great day.” He pushes his brother back and grabs a plate for himself. He fills it up with burgers, potato salad and buns and starts walking over to his friends' table.

“Oh, by the way,” Jeff hollers after him, “Jensen says hello.”

~*~*o*~*~

Jensen lets the water shower over him in an attempt to wash away the layer of frustration thick on his skin. He’s frustrated with pent up sexual tension, and he’s about to climb the walls if he can’t find a resolution soon. He’s not focusing on his job, his studies, and he can hardly keep a conversation with his friends anymore.

All he can think about is… _him_.

Over the last few weeks he has gone through more men than he has done in the rest of his sexually active life. He’s found a new fuck every night, sometimes two in one night. He never brings them home, and he always fucks them from behind where he doesn’t have to stare them in the face. He doesn’t want to see. He closes his eyes and pretends they are someone else. He pounds into them hard and fast, and he never asks their names.

He has no problem finding a willing man. There are many men out there that get off from being fucked by werewolves, many that long for the strength and dominance only a were can give.

Some of them have begged him to bite them, let them get off by the pain he inflicts. Jensen doesn’t do that. He doesn’t want to let his teeth sink into the flesh of anyone else other than _the one_ , the one that he knows is for him. He doesn’t want to taste the tang of anyone’s blood on his tongue unless it belongs to his beta.

_He fucking needs a mate._

He growls in frustration and bends his head back so fast that it smacks against the tile shower wall. The pain matches his frustration and he drags both hands over his face and through his hair. The light above the mirror flickers and he shuts his eyes to block it out. Scalding hot water burns him red. Hard droplets beat against his skin, etching away the salt and sweat clinging to his body.

He’s yearning for release.

He grabs hold of his hard dick and squeezes it tightly, willing it to soften, cursing his constant state of need. When that doesn’t help, he tugs at it instead, firm and fast, without prolonging the act. He continues steadily until his release splashes against the tiles, washed away by the spray from the shower.

He turns off the shower and dries himself on a towel that’s been washed without softener. It’s stiff and scratchy against his skin, and he thinks he will have red scratches across his back when he is finished. It doesn’t do much more than tickle, and it doesn’t even begin to ease the pins and needles constantly stuck under his skin.

Swiping the damp of the mirror with the palm of his hand, he leans in to stare at his reflection under the flickering light. His eyes stare back at him, green and vibrant, yellow speckles shining through from the light above the mirror. He doesn’t like the hunger he can see in them and huffs out a breath before turning to get dressed, avoiding his own look. He pulls his clothes onto a still damp body, but doesn’t care about the denim clutching to his legs and pulling at his skin when he walks into the living room.

Leftover pizza from lunch is still out on the coffee table. It’s cold and dry but still edible, and he grabs a beer from the fridge as he walks through the kitchen. He has just sat down when his phone buzzes with a text message.

 _Jared says you’re a dork_ , Jeff sent, not for the first time. Ever since Jensen came home with him, Jeff has tried to get them to know each other better. Jensen has done his best to respond without snapping, because Jensen _promised_ to be his friend, to help him out, and he’s not one to go back on his word.

Jensen lets out a hollow laugh and sends _sure_ back. Jeff’s at home celebrating Jared’s birthday and Jensen was invited.

“You must come,” Jeff said. “Stay the whole weekend.”

He declined though; he used a council meeting as an excuse, though he didn’t really need to attend. Problem was, he really _did_ want to see Jared… _a bit too much_.

 

  
 _~Four moons ago~_

_Four moons ago Jared brushed against Jensen as he passed him in the hallway. Jensen just stepped out of the bathroom, and there he was, waiting for him, expectation written all over his face._

_“Come on, Jensen,” Jared said, letting a brush of hot air tickle him by the ear. Jensen could feel the heat etching into his skin, like a burn mark branded into his soul. He had to restrain himself from moving, torn between wanting to pull him closer and push him away._

_He could see Jared’s nostrils flare when he inhaled a fragrance too strong to ignore. The boy was practically panting and twitching, and clearly about to burst. Jensen could see how the blood was rushing through his veins and noticed how he could never keep his eyes away.He had to use all his strength and act against his own instincts to be able to push him away._

_”Stop it,” he said. “We can’t...”_

_“Why not?” Jared growled and pressed himself tighter against him, letting Jensen feel exactly how aroused he was. A hand pressed down on Jensen’s bulge, kneading and stroking through denim, forcing a groan to escape Jensen’s lips. ”I know you want it, too,” Jared pleaded. “I can feel it. Just a touch, just getting each other off._ Please _.”_

_“No.” Jensen pushed him away harder, forcing himself to be strong._

_“But why?” Jared practically whined by now, leaning in again, unwilling to be brushed off._

_“Because you’re too young,” Jensen said, scolding himself for lusting after a minor. He kept his hand flat against Jared’s chest, blocking him from leaning in. “Because you’re my best friend’s kid brother,” he continued, reminding himself of the promise he had made. Jensen forced himself to look him straight in the eye and said, ”How many reasons do you need? Are you fucking outta your mind?”_

_“And what if I am?” Jared pushed Jensen’s hands away, leaning in again to lick his skin. His tongue left a wet trail through the salt pooling in the hollow of his neck and Jensen inhaled sharply. His knees were about to give way, and he had almost no willpower left._

_“You’re just…” he pressed out breathlessly._

_“I’m what?” Jared pushed a leg between Jensen’s thighs and brushed their groins together._

_“You’re just a kid.” He pushed hard in one last effort to get the kid off him, leaving Jared to fall a few steps back. He almost hit the opposite wall, but was able to find footing before he crashed into it._

_“But you want me,” Jared said defiantly, looking like the kid he was, but nonetheless truthful._

_“No, I don’t,” Jensen lied through his teeth, hoping that if he just said it with enough conviction, it would be true. He forced himself to look Jared straight in the eyes as he served him the lie._

_A veil of confusion flashed in Jared’s eyes, leaving him looking even younger than his years, before he turned and ran into his own room, finally leaving Jensen alone in the hallway._

~*~*o*~*~

Jared feels caged in his room. He’s pacing the floor, almost climbing the walls with frustration. He wants to run free, he has wanted to run for days now, but his mother has said no, has told him to stay home for a change. The pull toward the woods grows stronger by the day, and he is more and more restless.

He walks over to the window and casts a glance at the waxing moon, high in the east and nearly full. He knows it’s only a matter of days until it’s complete, and he can feel the shift in his body starting already.

 _It’s stronger this time_.

There’s a burn in his bones, running deep and impossible to ignore. It’s not quite an ache, but a tingling sensation, almost like a burn. It grows stronger the closer he gets to the full moon, but so far it has never been so bad that he cannot withstand it. Ever since puberty he’s been able to shift at will, at any time of the moon cycle, but the pull is stronger when the moon is full. He’s usually able to resist though, not liking to be the one to stand out.

 

~*~*o*~*~

  
 _~Four moons ago~_

 

_Meeting Jeff’s family four moons ago was a strange experience. He thought Jeff was weird, with all the hugging and touching, but meeting the rest of the family and being surrounded by a bunch of Padaleckis without any sense of personal space was beyond surreal. They greeted him with open arms and invited him into their home._

_Sherri, Jeff’s mom, kissed him on the cheek and told him it was a pleasure to finally meet him. She thanked him for not killing her son in frustration and he had laughed and said that Jeff wasn't that bad as a roommate. Jeff’s father, Gerry, gave him a firm handshake and welcomed him into their house, telling him to feel at home._

_Megan though, the youngest of the Padalecki children, just stared at him with big starlit eyes, and he had no choice but to smile at her, embarrassed by the unwanted attention. She was tall and slender, definitely pretty, and couldn't be more than 14 years old. Jeff only sniggered when he noticed his kid sister. He ruffled her hair, whispering that Jensen doesn’t swing that way, something that made her blush crimson red, and also that he is way too old for her._

_Jensen turned around looking at the family portraits on the wall, pretending not to hear. He was surprised that Jeff seemed to forget the advanced hearing of a werewolf, or it might simply be that he didn’t mind embarrassing both Jensen and his kid sister at once._

_“Is this Jared?” Jensen said, pointing at a picture on the wall. The picture portrayed a young, lanky boy with fluffy brown hair and the same slanting hazel eyes that he could see in Megan’s face._

_“That’s Jared,” Jeff nodded, still tickling his sister, all giggly by then._

_“So where is he?” Jensen asked, curious as to why he wasn’t there._

_“He’s out playing basketball with a friend,” Sherri replied with a smile. “He’ll be home for dinner.”_

 

~*~*o*~*~

Fuck, he’s been a complete lunatic since … _Jared_.

He’s thirsty. Thirsty for more and he doesn’t know how to slake his thirst, and he doesn’t know how he can avoid going after what he needs.

He casts a glance out the window and sees how the moon peeks out from under a veil of clouds.He knows that it’s less than a week until the moon is full, and that this will be Jared’s first full moon as an adult were. He knows for certain, no doubt left in his mind, that each day until then, his ache will grow stronger, and unless he’s terribly wrong about his assumptions, he won’t be able to resist.

His skin feels too tight, too wrong, like he belongs in another hide. Just as it did back then, four moons ago, and every full moon since, he is struggling not to shift.

He puts the bottle of beer down on the table. The bottle leaves a wet ring and he wipes it off with the palm of his hand and leans over to grab one of the coasters that Jeff nags him about using. “Fuck,” he mutters, not for the first time, and probably not for the last, as he grabs his phone to make a call. He scrolls the contact list in search for someone to talk some sense into him.

Chris picks up on the second ring and yells over loud music in the background to hang on. He can hear Steve holler in the background and a whole lot of scuffling and walking before he hears the creaking of a door being opened and then shut before he actually hears Chris telling him hello.

“How’s it going?” Jensen starts, trying to sense his friend’s mood. This is not a conversation he wants to cut short within a few minutes, so if his friend can’t talk, he’d rather not raise the subject.

“Great.” Chris throws himself into a tale about shows and crowds and life on the road. It doesn’t take too long though before he remembers that it was actually Jensen calling and he asks if there's any particular reason for the call.

“I think I’m in trouble,” Jensen says without much ado. This stops Chris short and there is silence for a while.

“What kind of trouble?” he asks casually, suddenly totally sober.

“The kind of trouble where I painfully want to claim Jeff’s kid brother?” He phrases it as a question, like he’s not quite sure he actually means it.

Chris blows out a low whistle. “You’ve really got a death wish, don’t you?”

Jensen shifts his phone from one hand to the other, listening to Chris’ breath through the line. He’s waiting for an answer, waiting for Jensen to give him an explanation, except Jensen doesn’t want to voice his suspicions, thinking that if he doesn’t say them out loud they may not come true.

“No, no death wish,” he tells Chris. “Just an intense fear of dying if Jeff ever finds out.”

“Why the hell did you….?” Chris doesn’t even finish the sentence. There is no need, Chris isn’t stupid, and he knows there is only one logical explanation for Jensen to act this way.

“I don’t know,” Jensen lies, and they both know it. Chris is quiet on the other end of the line and Jensen is thankful for it.

 

~*~*o*~*~

It’s Monday evening and Jared listens to his parents saying goodbye to Jeff, who’s downstairs getting ready to go back to Chester after being home for Jared’s birthday. He doesn’t bother walking down to see his brother off, but rather sits on the windowsill staring out at the fields stretching out from behind their house.

He touch the glass of the window with one hand, feels the cold against his skin. It’s like a prison wall, separating him from the world he wants to live in.

He can hear his mother tell Jeff to call when he is back safe in his apartment, and Jared knows that they can expect a call on the house line in about two hours.

The moon is high in the sky and close to full and Jared has been out running. Two hours in freedom.

The air had been crisp and he’d been gone for a long time, letting frustration and agitation get an outlet in his fast gallop through fields and forests. He had put under him miles upon miles, and had run much farther than he would ever admit to his mother. He ran wide around the wild pack territories, but crossed the river and headed west toward the mountains. He always followed the stream upwards to the peak. Once, he ran all the way to the edge of the glacier, to the outspring of the river. The water had been even colder up there than it is down in the valley and it had tasted even crisper. It was better than any drink he had ever tasted before, and he has yet to taste anything close to it. One day, when he has both time and courage, he will do the run up there again.

Today though, he had run farther into the woods rather than up the mountains. He’d been in a foul mood and shifted as soon as he came home. His mom had called for him, asked him what was wrong, but he had brushed her off and told her he’d take a run before shifting without waiting for an answer. She could say whatever she wanted; he would not have listened anyway. It was either run or throw a hissy fit at home, and no one wants a hissy fit thrown by a teenage werewolf.

 

  
 _~Five moons ago~_

_Five moons ago, and one moon before he visited the Padalecki home, Jensen found himself eating breakfast in the apartment that he shared with Jeff._

_“Do you want to come home with me this weekend?” Jeff snagged the business section of the paper and left Jensen with the political section. There was nothing new in that, it happened all the time; they were kind of like an old married couple that way._

_It was the question that took Jensen by surprise and made him totally forget to slap Jeff’s hand for stealing his newspaper. He'd never been to Jeff’s parents’ home, he'd never been asked to come along when Jeff went home to visit. Jeff’s from Millford, a small town a couple of hours drive outside of Chester. They are under the guardianship of_ the Greenburg Pack _, but mostly they are werewolf free. The Greenburg pack is medium sized, known to stay out of trouble, and with a firm but friendly pack Alpha. They belong to the same pack alliance as Jensen’s own, and he’d met a few of them at the annual alliance meeting last year._

_“Why?” he asked, not even trying to guess Jeff’s motivation for the request._

_Jeff didn’t answer right away but seemed to think how to word his next sentence. Jensen had known Jeff for a while, and knew how to read his face. He knew that when Jeff hesitated like this, it was because something important depended on it._

_“I need your help,” he finally said._

_It didn’t clarify much, but Jensen wasn’t one to deny a friend help, so he sat still waiting for Jeff to continue._

_“You know my brother, right?”_

_Jensen tried to dig up all the information he had Jeff’s on brother and came up close to empty._

_“Jared?”_

_Jeff gave him a nod. “He’s a wolf,” he said, holding Jensen’s eyes._

_A werewolf…. Jensen could feel the chill going down his spine and he swallowed loudly, putting the newspaper down. He had never known that Jeff is…. “And you?” he said, knowing perfectly well that Jeff’s no werewolf. He can always smell the were on a person, and the only stench coming from Jeff is human._

_“I’m a carrier. So are my sister and my parents. Jared’s the only wolf in generations.”_

_Jensen let the information sink in. It happened sometimes, that there was a lone werewolf in a family of humans._

_“Okay,” Jensen said. A hurt feeling settled in his belly and he tried to swallow it down. “Uhm…” Jensen rubbed his neck, still feeling insecure about why he hadn’t shared this information sooner. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”_

_He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice, thinking that there must be a logical reason why Jeff hadn’t told him. Jeff knew that Jensen was a were, so he must have known that Jensen would never have trouble with were blood running through their veins._

_“Look, Jensen, I didn’t mean to keep it from you, but you…”_

_He stalled, another sign that he was about to say something insulting, and Jensen braced himself for what was to come. He could practically sense the unease radiating off of Jeff. The longer the pause prevailed, the more he could feel heat rise in his blood._

_“I what?” he pushed, keeping his voice cool, when Jeff didn't elaborate._

_“You’re…._ you _,” Jeff said as a piss-poor explanation._

 _“I’m…_ me _?” Confusion mixed with hurt was starting to make Jensen feel angry. He felt strangely attacked and he didn’t know why._

 _“Well, you’re…“ Jeff rose from his chair and stared pacing the floor. “You’re all so about your_ cause _all the time. So eager and so sure you’re right.”_

_He almost snarled the last words out, leaving no doubt that he didn’t share Jensen’s opinions on the matter. He didn’t elaborate; just let the meaning of the words lingered in the air between them._

_Hurt and anger fought for space in Jensen’s belly until he understood. He was man enough to admit his own shortcomings and once he thought about it, he had to admit Jeff probably did the right thing not telling him before now._

_“But you decided to tell me now?” he prompted, giving Jeff a tentative smile to show him that it was okay. He might have still felt hurt, but he knew that he had to get over himself._

_“Yeah, now I did.” Jeff lowered his shoulders and Jensen could see the tension in his body deflate. “Listen,” Jeff continued in a tired voice, “I don’t want that discussion, okay? I agree with my family about…” He flapped his hands, sort of wrapping up the whole situation in one gesture, and if the subject hadn’t been so important to either of them, Jensen would have made fun of him for it. “ And I stand by that, but I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”_

_“Nah, you’re probably right,” Jensen admitted, still licking his wounds. He'd rather lick his wounds in private, though, so he didn't let on to Jeff that his pride still stung a little. “I am a bit single-minded about that.”_

_“You think?” Jeff shot him a cracked smile, loading all the sarcasm he could into one little sentence. Jensen could clearly see the hand stretched out and he grabbed it with both hands. He gave him half a laugh and threw a roll at him._

_Jeff gracefully ducked away, surprisingly fast for a human, and the roll hit the floor with a soft thud. “I know,” Jensen said and followed the roll with his eyes. It rolled across the floor and made a final stop by the counter. “Doesn’t mean I would go all crazy on my friends though. I still have_ some _decency; I actually_ try _to respect other people’s right to make their own choices.”_

_Jeff shot him a sheepish smile before bending down to stretch his ‘out of this world’ long arms to pick up the roll and throw it in the garbage can under the sink. “I know, and I’m sorry. It just…” He rubbed his neck and started plucking at the front page of the newspaper. “I didn’t know you that well when I moved in here, right? All I knew was that you were this up and coming hot shot in the Archer pack, and that you were seriously into politics. I knew even before we had moved in my last box that you were pro pack, and I didn’t dare tell you that my brother was a pack-less wolf. And then by the time I trusted you enough, it was kind of too late to say anything, you know? I mean, how could I explain not having told you before without offending you?”_

_“Yeah, yeah, alright,” Jensen said clearly, seeing his point. Especially since he secretly was tending to his hurt feelings at that very moment. “So, you were saying? You needed my help?”_

_“Yeah.” Jeff offered him a refill of coffee which Jensen gulped down in a few mouthfuls. He never let his coffee get cold. “Eh, well… Though I_ do _agree about keeping Jared at home, he is actually graduating high school now, and he will move to Chester to start college.”_

 _“Ah, okay.” Jensen started to see where Jeff was heading with this._ A were coming of age _._

_“He’s a smart kid and he’ll do fine. I’m just worried, with him turning 18, and moving to the city, and…”_

_“You’re worried how he will deal with suddenly being in the city surrounded by werewolves, and maybe also about him finally being ready for mating?” Jensen finished the sentence for him._

_“Yeah,_ that _,” Jeff said, clearly relieved that Jensen got it without him having to spell it all out._

_A werewolf was ready to mate from around the time he turned 18. It wasn’t necessarily on the exact date of his birth, but usually within his birth month. Once he was ready for mating every were would be able to smell it on him, and he would start to feel the urge to find a mate. The urge to find a mate was strong, and would keep growing stronger until the were was finally mated._

_The higher range the werewolf had, the stronger the urge, which was why it was unusual for a male alpha to be unmated by the age of 22. An unmated alpha usually didn’t make it long in the pack. Sooner or later he would have gone crazy by need._

_And Jensen could feel the need.He felt it as an open wound piercing through his soul, an urge to seek the one he belonged with. But he had never found a were with the right scent, not once, and mating with the wrong one was even worse than not mating at all._

_“So what exactly do you want me to do?” Jensen asked, still not completely certain he understood what Jeff wanted from him._

_“I just want you to, you know, get to know him, so that when he comes to Chester he knows a werewolf he can trust.”_

Trust _. Jensen let the word sink in, satisfied that his friend trusted him. After the fallout with Mike—and Jensen’s knowledge that he could not be trusted again – combined with the uncertainty Jeff obviously had in confiding him, Jensen grabbed the trust he had been given with both hands and made a silent promise_ never _to break that trust._

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Sometimes Jared hates his parents. He hates that they live in Millford. Millford, the fucking friendliest place in America – for humans anyway. There’s practically no crime, people don’t even lock their doors at night. No one’s afraid of walking after dark and people actually know their neighbors. It’s perfect - unless you’re pretty much the only wolf in school.

You see, Millford is rumored to be safe mainly because there are no wolves around. Sure, there are the guards. Everyone respects the guards, but they are _well integrated_ wolves not likely to go batshit on anyone. They have been living among humans all their lives and _know how to live like humans_. Nearly every neighborhood in this part of America has werewolf guardianship. The wolf pack covering the area is in charge of keeping an eye on the place. In a place like Millford, the only noticeable presence of wolves are when you see the guards run through the city twice after dark, to check that nothing illegal is going on.

But people are still skeptical toward the common wolf. They hear about the uproar going on in the bigger cities, hear about the crime rings led by stray wolves. They hear about how said crime rings recruit young human males that seeking action -- and maybe even protection from enemies -- and hoping that the wolves can protect them if they join their league. And parents are scared that their kids will be sucked into that life. They are scared that the seemingly friendly boy growing up amongst their kids will turn into a dangerous animal when his instincts grow stronger, and though they all raise their voices voting for equal rights, they just don’t trust them with their own kids.

So Jared sits in his room, alone, looking out at the fields that he loves and hates. He loves them for the freedom they give him, the feeling of speed beneath his paws. But he hates them for the loneliness that accompanies him on the runs.

When he was a kid he used to beg his parents to move to the city, to let him go to a werewolf school, but they refused to listen. They belong in this house, they said, in the house his great-great grandfather built, that is filled with love and history. His family’s history is in these walls, they used to say. They used to say that he most of all should be especially proud to live here, in the house where Tristan Padalecki used to live.

~*~*o*~*~

Jensen closes the door behind him and throws the keys down in the tray on the entrance table. He’s bone tired and wants nothing more than to fall face down on the bed, preferably sleeping until next year. It’s only the first day in a long week and the day's not over yet. He has final exams coming up, and reports to read through and comment on at the next city council meeting.

He’s the youngest member of the council, but holds the position as the second alderman representing the Archer pack. As one of the alpha weres in the pack, and the one most engaged in were politics, he was the natural choice when the aldermen were voted on in the last election.

The job is time-consuming and doesn’t pay well, but it’s more interesting than working in a coffee shop or local Wal-Mart to pay the rent, and he’s gaining valuable experience while making money toward his studies. So be it if he’s overwhelmed at times with the workload from being both a chair in the council and a full-time law student. At least he only holds second chair; he’s not obligated to show unless the first chairman can’t attend. So far, the first chairman has more than 90% attendance, so Jensen doesn’t have to attend more than his obligatory 40% to keep his voting privileges.

The case list had been long today and the most important case was the question of what to do about the lawlessness spreading throughout the city. He’s really had enough of that discussion already, they are going in circles, but he doesn’t have the luxury of giving up. It’s too important. There's too much at stake.

The city population has lived in peace for years, and he wants to see it continue that way. He was born and raised in this area and so were his parents, and he loves this town. It’s his home and he wants to see it grow and blossom, not be beaten down by more and more frequent battles between werewolves and humans, the pure-blooded and halfbreeds, and also the syndicates of packless omegas. One of the problems, as he sees it, is that no one was really prepared to deal with all the halfbreed werewolves popping up.

Jensen massages his temples trying to will the pending headache away. He yawns on his way into the kitchen, sleepwalking more than anything else. He opens the fridge and looks at the empty space in there in a faint hope of finding anything edible, but there’s not much other than a couple of beers and a jar of pickles. There’s a carton of Chinese take away on the top shelf. He grabs it tentatively, takes a whiff, and deems it probably safe to eat.

“When did you have this Chinese?” he hollers out to the empty room. There’s silence for about four seconds before the entrance door opens and Jeff pokes his head in, just as Jensen knew he would as soon as he detected Jeff’s footsteps in the hallway outside their apartment.

“Oh, hi Jensen. What did you say?”

“This Chinese,” Jensen repeats and holds it up for his roommate to see, “how old is it?”

“Uhm.” Jeff scratches his head and walks into the kitchen. “Three days I think.”

Jensen takes another whiff and pops it into the microwave.

“And you can have it if you want,” Jeff adds sarcastically.

“Do you want a beer?” Jensen grabs a couple of cold bottles from the fridge and offers one to Jeff.

“Thanks.” Jeff grabs his beer and walks into the living room where he plops himself down on the couch. Jensen waits 3 minutes for the microwave to ping before he grabs the steaming container and follows suit. Jeff switches on the TV and they watch some reality show in silence for a while.

“You staying in today?” Jeff eventually asks around the neck of the bottle.

“Yeah,” Jensen sighs, too tired to keep his eyes open.

“No hookups today?”

Jensen just casts a glance in Jeff’s direction, not even bothering with an answer.

~*~*o*~*~

Jared can’t stop thinking about him, even though it makes him feel sick.

The day Jared met Jensen he’d been taken by surprise. He’d come home from playing hoops with Chad, and he was actually in a bit of a crappy mood. They’d had a fight, and though they parted as friends, the argument was still lingering in the air. He hates fighting with Chad.

Chad can be a douche sometimes, and most of the time Jared deals with it. He deals with it because most of the time, Chad is, beyond everything, a loyal friend. He has never made a fuss about Jared being a wolf, and he has never made Jared feel like a freak about it.

The argument was silly really, just a battle for dominance on the court, and Chad had accused him of cheating, being physically stronger due to being a wolf. Normally, Jared would have brushed it off, but the moon was close to full, and his body was aching for a run, and he was unusually sensitive to being different. He snapped, and for the first time ever, he growled at his best friend.

Chad had almost fallen by surprise, and Jared had been close to tears in regret afterwards. They had looked at each other awkwardly before shrugging it off and continuing to play. But in the back of Jared’s mind, there was a voice telling him that _this_ was why humans didn’t want their kids to play with him.

It’s sufficient to say he was a bit distracted and less observant when he walked in through the door that day. He used all his willpower to keep the wolf in him restrained, which may have been the reason it took him until he turned around and saw him before he caught Jensen ‘s scent.

 _And what a scent_.

It shot straight to his spine and spread throughout his body, lighting up every nerve cell. His heartbeat increased so much he thought it would jump out of his chest and heat flashed through him as his nerve endings were firing all at once.

 _“I’m yours”_ reverberated through him like an echo from ancient time.

There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that it was his mate standing before him, and though he had never before given it a thought, he accepted immediately that he was _beta_.

The revelation should have been shocking to him, repulsing even. He had never yearned for an alpha, never once contemplated submitting to another man, and yet here he felt an intense draw toward this man, this _wolf_ , and he knew that he belonged with him.

Jared had practically thrown himself at Jensen. Had he been more aware of what he was doing, he would have been mortally embarrassed, but it was like his blood was boiling. _He needed_. There is no other way of describing it. He needed Jensen. He needed to be part of Jensen. To touch, to taste, to lick his cock and bite the flesh at the base of his neck. Never in his life had he felt anything like this.

He didn’t even bother to hide it much. Not when they were alone. He brushed up against him, let his hand brush against his groin. He would breathe into his ear and sniff his neck, right at the spot where a touch would shoot straight to Jensen’s dick.

Apparently a puff of hot breath would do the same.

“Not here,” Jensen had said. “Are you crazy?” he had asked, trying to push Jared away.

The more he pushed, the more insistent Jared became.

 _He feels the same,_ Jared had told himself, sure that he read the signs right, and he’d acted unrepentant and without second thought.

_Like a hunter he had gone for what he wanted._

It was therefore a shock when Jensen had refused him pointblank, with no doubt about it. He had shut him down, and let him stand there dripping with lust and ashamed beyond words.

~*~*o*~*~

Jensen has done all he can to erase the image of Jared from his mind. The scent of him is branded into his brain, his nostrils vibrating with the thought of it. He smelled of _mate_. Sitting in the Padalecki kitchen, eating at the table with his best friend’s family, he had for the first time in his life gotten a whiff of the scent he had yearned to find, the one of a _suitable mate_.

 _Just because a man is a suitable mate, doesn’t mean he’s the right choice._ Not when he’s his best friend’s kid brother. His underage kid brother. The one he had promised to help.

He needed to find a way to let off some steam, a way to scratch the itch without doing the unforgivable. So he started to go out every night, finding a new fuck. And if they are all human, all willing and none of them anything but a nameless face, then so be it. If it helps him keep his hands off a kid, then that’s what he’ll do, even though he hates himself a little more every day.

~*~*o*~*~

Jared locked himself in his room the first few days after Jensen left, refusing to talk to anyone. His shame was too big. He felt rejected and hurt and quite a bit confused. He couldn’t see how his body could betray him like this, how his instinct could be this wrong.

But Jensen had pushed him away and Jared had no reason to doubt his sincerity.

In fact, as soon as the moon had moved from full to waning and his body seemed to calm, the full impact of his own behavior hit him straight on. He wanted to die of mortification and if he never saw Jensen again, it would be too soon.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The clock is closing in on midnight when Jared finally breaks free from his room and takes off running. He has been pacing back and forth in his room for hours, telling himself that he better stay in his human form. He has been taking his shirt off, putting it back on and taking it off again, until he finally leaves it off and shifts into wolf shape.  
  
He opens the door with his paw, runs down the stairs and straight toward the sliding doors to the back yard. The lock on the door is too small and too intricate for him to nudge open with his paw, and he lets out a loud impatient woof to let his mother know he needs some help. She walks out from the kitchen, a cup of herbal tea in her hand, and asks him if he’s going for a run.  
  
She pats his head and gives his ear a scratch and he rises to stand on his hind legs and rests his front paws on her shoulders, giving her a wolf kiss on her cheek.  
  
She threads her fingers through his fur, gives him a solid hug and tells him to be careful before he runs off with a consenting woof.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

The air is hot and lying thick around tall lean spurs that stretch toward the moon and paint black silhouettes against a deep Prussian blue sky.  
  
Jensen sniffs the air and scents trail markings from a wild pack to the west, and turns east to put a little more distance between himself and their territory. He feels the pull toward north/north-east and increases speed. He doesn’t pay attention to his surroundings, his senses narrowed down to his one goal. His body is for the first time in his life completely given over to instinct, and there is no room for thoughts other than his mission.  
  
With average trot speed he can put behind him 8 to 10 miles in an hour, but he’s galloping now and holds a speed closer to 40 mph. It doesn’t take long before he’s leaving his own pack’s territory and entering into free land. The deep wood goes on forever and he could run for hours without coming across civilization. He shifts direction towards the east and follows the stream down the valley.  
  
Jensen has successfully held off for two days into the luna week -- two days of fighting the pull in his body aching to go after what’s his. But as the moon grew full and the pull reached new heights, so intense that they were ripping through his body, he had no choice but to finally relent.  
  
Every bone in his body was aching in protest when he tried to withstand. The itch that’s been growing steadily over the last few days had multiplied in intensity, and for the first time since adolescence, he shifted un-willed into wolf shape. Now, moving as an animal that’s pure instinct, he runs to what is his.  
  
He’s running down streams, following the river down the valley, and he can feel he’s getting closer. The scent is getting stronger, the powerful feeling of need is settling by every mile he lays behind him.  
  
He rushes through the woodland, passes the hills, and enters the field less than an hour after he left home. In the middle of the field, bathed in milk blue light stands the slender grey wolf. He’s tall and proud and he is waiting for Jensen to move closer, head raised in anticipation. He’s sniffing the air, taking in Jensen’s scent before he even turns his head to look at him.  
  
Jensen comes to a halt; they stare at each other for what seems like a lifetime, but only lasts a minute, before he walks slowly toward him, not wanting to scare him away.  
  
It’s a young wolf, an apprehensive one easy to scare, and Jensen steps closer with care.  
  
The wolf stands still until Jensen is less than three feet away and then he lowers his head. Jensen takes a few more steps and gives a howl. The wolf yips carefully and crawls with his front part held low toward Jensen, and when he’s close enough, tentatively licks him under his chin.  
  
Jensen bends his head to the side and lets his tongue out to give the submissive wolf a lick on his muzzle.  
  
“Jared,” he whispers in wolf sounds, pushing his body toward the wolf he’s trying to seduce, showing him interest and yet letting the other male be free to accept his advances.  
  
Jared yips and starts jumping playfully around Jensen, teasing and dancing around him, sometimes closing in, and sometimes jumping back breaking the contact between them. Jensen is the more aggressive of them, leaning in with more force, and Jared counters with bites and bumps to keep Jensen away, telling him clearly “not yet.”  
  
They shift between chasing and being chased. For more than an hour they fight and play, testing their positions, playfully jumping and biting. Now and then, Jensen bites him in the neck, showing him who’s alpha, and each and every time Jared responds by lowering his shoulders and putting his head to the ground, licking under Jensen’s chin and submitting to the alpha.  
  
Jensen can scent the pheromones on him, fully developed and with the perfect combination to signal that he is Jensen’s to claim. It’s intoxicating and he reacts by instinct, repeatedly sniffing the were’s behind, absorbing the scents and licking his entrance, tasting the sweet flavor of welcoming fluids. He makes a couple of attempts to mount him, showing that he’s ready to mate, but the beta jumps away snarling at his every attempt.  
  
Jensen backs off, continues to court him, and lets him play for dominance some more. He playfully fights Jensen, showing his strength and independence until Jensen bites him firmly in the neck, claiming his stake. Jared finally yips and lowers his front body, shifting to stand with his behind toward Jensen and flags his tail. Jensen is not slow to act, but mounts him and pushes in with one fast move. There is no hesitation, no delay, simply an act of claiming.  
  
The rush of neediness that has taken over his ability to think outside of instinct eases off the moment he can feel his knot swell inside of Jared and tie them together. The knot might tie them together physically, but an emotional bond even stronger than the physical is being cemented in the same act.  
  
A sense of calm overtakes him and leaves no room for the confusion that has been haunting him for weeks. Though he knew deep down where they were heading from the moment he first caught scent of Jared, he wasn’t a hundred percent sure until now.  
  
Now he knows that he had no choice. Fate had decided for them.  
  
For once in his life, it feels like everything is in place.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

The next morning Jared slowly wakes up from his sleep. The sun is gently warming his skin though a cooling breeze is swiping across his body and forming goose bumps on his skin. He’s itching from lying naked on stiff grass, and a bug is crawling on his thigh. He swipes it away and tries to turn to find a better position. For a moment he doesn’t understand where he is and panic starts to seep in, but when he feels the weight of an arm slung around his hip and the warmth of another body pressed against his back, the memories of last night appear.  
  
The arm tightens around him when he stirs, and the memories of last night flashes through his head in rapid succession and the sudden panic of not knowing where he is is reduced to a calming feeling of being exactly where he’s meant to be.  
  
He’s with his _mate_.  
  
He’s lying on a twig and he makes a move to get more comfortable. They shifted to human form sometime during the night, and are now spooning, completely naked, in a clearing far out in the woods. The arm around him tightens its grip and he’s being pulled firmly against Jensen’s body. He lets himself be wrapped up tightly and smiles as Jensen nuzzles the back of his neck.  
  
“Hi.” Jensen sounds raspy, voice broken with sleep.  
  
It should be weird hearing the voice of a man that is practically a stranger speaking to him so naturally after waking up naked in the woods. But Jared feels nothing but fulfillment.  
  
“Hi,” he responds, turning his head around trying to look back at Jensen, but the angle makes it difficult and he doesn’t catch much other than the light blue sky. The sun has barely risen above the horizon and the colors are still pale.  
  
“Do you know what happened last night?” Jensen nuzzles his neck again, and Jared’s dick reacts instinctively to the touch.  
  
“Erhm,” Jared says, thinking back to the intense moment when he’d seen Jensen, in all of his light grey, almost white, wolf shape, come running out from the wood and greet him in this very field. He’s thinking back to the last couple of months, how his body has been yearning, longing for a man he barely knows, and how he had been overtaken by instinct, not being able to resist.  
  
He feels Jensen’s hands caress his stomach and he nods, knowing what had taken place last night. “We bonded, didn’t we?”  
  
 _Bonded_ , Jared thinks, _bondmates_ , not _just_ mates. He knew the moment he felt Jensen’s knot swell inside him that this was more than normal mateship.  
  
Unlike the usual mateship, bondmates are mated for life, no matter what. Tied together as long as they live. They are destined to be together. Which, by the way, explains the intensity of the need to mate with Jensen. It explains the urgency in the want he had felt, the way he had no restraint against the urges in his body.  
  
It’s a little bit of a relief to know that he actually did have no choice in the matter. That it was a force stronger than himself pulling in him and not just him acting like the slut he was afraid he might be. He can probably let go of his embarrassment now, if he’s able to turn that part of his brain off.  
  
“Yeah, we did,” Jensen says, letting a hand brush down Jared’s thigh.  
  
Jared turns around, facing his _bondmate_ , and takes a good long look at him.  
  
This beautiful man is his _life partner_. The thought is overwhelming. He hasn’t even giving much thought to a spouse; he’s 18 years old for chrissake. He didn’t envision himself being bound, by mateship or marriage, to anyone for years, and when it eventually did happen, he had pictured himself being married to a petite human girl, raising her children.  
  
But here he is, bondmated to a gorgeous, strong man, and right now, he cannot think of anything being wrong with that.  
  
Of course, the intense attraction toward Jensen when he first laid eyes on him did convince Jared that he wasn’t as straight as he always thought he was. And it’s not like he hasn’t looked at boys before, he has just always looked at girls more, so he assumed he would take the conventional path, since that was clearly an option for him.  
  
“I didn’t think we could,” he tells Jensen, contemplating that bonding has to do with reproduction.  
  
“What?” Jensen smiles at him, caressing his face, his body, constantly moving his hands in lazy movements over Jared’s skin.  
  
“Bond,” Jared emphasizes. “I thought only a male and female could. Last time I checked, I didn’t have a uterus.”  
  
Jensen sniggers at that, and his eyes swipe Jared’s naked body at a slow pace. “You sure don’t.” His gaze lingers over Jared’s groin.  
  
“So why did we?” Jared prompts again.  
  
Jensen levels himself up on his elbows, looking down at Jared. “I don’t know.”  
  
“But isn’t it?” Jared turns to lie on his side so he can properly look at Jensen when he speaks. “Isn’t it about reproduction?”  
  
“Kind of, or, you know, really it’s about _preservation of the pack_. Often that is about reproduction, but I guess it doesn’t always have to be.”  
  
“Huh,” Jared answers, not sure what he should think. _The pack_. He’s probably pack now….  
  
“You okay?”  
  
 _Yeah_ , Jared thinks, _I'm okay_. There are much worse things that could happen than to find his destined bondmate, his _soulmate_ , at the age of 18 and not have to worry about getting laid ever again. And there are much worse things that can happen than falling into a relationship with someone you are meant to be with, someone that you can be sure is compatible with you, and not having to worry about choosing the wrong mate.  
  
 _This_ , he thinks, this is what I’m meant to be. _Jensen’s mate_. For the first time in his life, he has a purpose. He _is_ something, something he was born to be. _Finally he has found his place_.  
  
“Yeah,” he says. “I’m worried about telling my folks though.”  
  
“They won’t be angry, will they?” Jensen asks, and Jared can detect worry in his voice. “It’s not like we had any choice in the matter.”  
  
“Yeah, try telling _that_ to human parents…”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

They lie in the morning sun kissing and touching a while before moving to run home. They both left their respective homes late last night, and whichever home they choose to go to, they'll both be naked.  
  
They decide that the best plan would be to run back to Jensen’s, where Jared can borrow clothes from his brother and they can both drive together to Jared’s family to break the news of their mateship.  
  
The thought of facing Jared’s family makes Jensen a bit sick, but he tries not to let it show. It’s enough that his younger mate is nervous about the reaction of his own family; he doesn’t have to worry about Jensen’s feelings as well.  
  
He knows that his own family will be happy about it. They have been on his back about finding a mate for years, and knowing that he has bondmated will make them proud. No one has bondmated in the pack for generations, and being bondmated will probably give them a status in the pack that will make his family proud. So breaking the news to his own folks is not something he's worried about.  
  
They shift to wolf shape and start running. They keep a comfortable but fast pace. It’s a bit faster than a normal trot, but not a full gallop. They can keep this pace for hours without wearing themselves out. They stay close to each other, Jensen in the lead and Jared keeping close to him. It’s less than two hours before they push open the gate to Jensen’s building and start the climb to the fourth floor. Jensen scratches the front door with his right front leg in the hope that Jeff’s still home and ready to let them in. It doesn’t take long before the door swings open and Jeff stares at them both before stepping aside.  
  
He only casts a glance at Jensen when he walks by but he lets his eyes linger on Jared.  
  
“Jay?” he says, the question in his voice almost like he’s expecting Jared to answer with words. Jensen knows he’s not a stranger to seeing Jared as a wolf, being his brother and all, so he’s rather skilled in Jared’s wolf-language. It doesn’t take Jared much more than a yip and a throw of the head to make him understand that they will explain later.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared follows Jeff in through the hallway littered with shoes and bags and continues into the living room where Jensen disappeared a minute ago. Jared’s never visited his brother in this apartment before. Jeff has come home often enough and Jared has never taken the trip into the city to see his brother there. He looks around to see light walls and black furniture. It’s masculinely furnished and painfully devoid of a woman’s touch but perfectly suited to a man’s need. The large entertainment system is the room’s focal point, and a large collection of DVDs are alphabetically organized in the shelves up on the wall.  
  
He notices two doors at the left side wall and it doesn’t take more than a moment or two before one of them is being opened and Jensen, now in his human shape and naked except for a towel around his waist, peeks his head out and ask Jeff to find Jared some clothes that he can borrow. Jensen’s shorter than Jared, and his clothes won’t be long enough, so they figures Jeff’s clothes would be a better match.  
  
Jeff tells Jared to follow him and leads the way into the other room. The state of Jeff’s bedroom is pretty much how Jared remembers Jeff’s room from when he was living at home. The bed is unmade and the floor is littered with clothes and magazines.  
  
There’s a tall but narrow dresser pushed into the far corner of the room, and Jeff’s pulling out a few drawers to find everything Jared needs to dress: t-shirt, sweatpants and even a brand new pair of boxers. It’s one of those that their mom always sends Jeff back with whenever he’s home for the weekend, something Jared’s immensely thankful for now that he can borrow new ones instead of ones Jeff has used.  
  
At last he shows Jared where the bathroom is and throws a clean towel on the lid of the toilet seat. He tells him to be careful with the shower as the screen door isn’t completely level and unless you point the showerhead a little bit to the right, you’ll end up with a large pool on the floor.  
  
Jared hears the door shut behind him and shifts as soon as he’s alone. The reflection in the mirror shows a tall, lanky boy. His muscles are not as defined as he would want them to be, but he is working on it. Being a werewolf means that his muscles are naturally built to endure high intensity over a very long period of time, rather than explosive force. Even though he doesn’t have the same strength and endurance in human shape as he does as a wolf, his muscles are still lean, and he has always been able to outrun his peers at school.  
  
He takes a good look at himself and cannot see anything different than from the day before. He’s exactly the same even though he’s now a married… eh, mated man.  
  
He takes a short, cold shower, borrowing some shampoo and washing his hair as well. He doesn’t care much about drying all of his body before he puts on clothes. The t-shirt clings to his back, and the sweatpants are actually a little too long, even for his tall frame. He notices Jeff forgot to give him socks, but he doesn’t mind, just pads barefoot out to the living room still holding the towel in his hands.  
  
“Where shall I…?” he says, holding the towel out when he sees both his brother and Jensen looking up at him from where they are sitting on the couch and the easy chair.  
  
“Here, let me…” Jensen says and stands to grab it, but Jeff beats him to it. He pulls the towel from Jared’s hands and tosses it carelessly into the heap of clothes on his own bedroom floor.  
  
“So, what’s going on?” Jeff says, looking between Jared and Jensen. Jensen looks nervous Jared’s instinct is to comfort his partner, but being nervous himself, he resorts to giving Jensen what he hopes is a comforting smile. He sits down on the sofa beside Jensen, but leaves a little distance between them to not look suspicious.  
  
Jensen wants it differently though and grabs his hand and pulls him closer to him. “We’re bondmates,” he says, looking straight at Jeff, forcing him to meet his eyes. He puts a protective arm around Jared’s shoulders, his grip strong. Jared feels safe and protected even though he thinks he is the one that should protect Jensen. Jensen is, after all, the one being introduced to the family.  
  
Jared feels how much Jensen is shaking and he knows that the level voice is just a matter of will, because Jensen is far from calm. He lays a hand on Jensen’s thigh, and gives it a little squeeze. Jensen responds by pulling him even closer before loosening his grip again, but he never takes his eyes off Jeff, who is staring at them, bewildered.  
  
“You mated?” Jeff’s eyes go wide, first in surprise, then in fury. “You’ve mated? Fuck you, Jensen. I’ve seen you come home night after night, tired and worn after sleeping with one man after another, and now you couldn’t even keep your slutty hands off of my little brother?” Jeff jumps up and throws his arms out like he wants to punch Jensen.  
  
Jensen sits perfectly still, seemingly unfazed by the attack, but Jared feels how he tenses at Jeff’s words. The words hit him hard as well, hearing his mate called promiscuous by his own brother, the man he knows better than his own mate, and whose judgment he has always trusted. He wishes Jensen would say the words are lies, that he isn’t one to sleep around.  
  
His instinct is to launch out at him for saying such offending things to Jensen, but Jensen, obviously sensing his anger and discomfort, pushes him down and stands up face to face with Jeff.  
  
Jeff’s a good head taller than Jensen, but Jensen doesn’t buckle and his wolf is visible even in his human features; he doesn’t look away for a second.  
  
“Did you listen to what I said?” Jensen says to Jeff’s face. “I said we _bond_ mated. It is _not_ like we had a choice.”  
  
 _But he doesn’t deny his accusations_ , Jared thinks.  
  
Jensen says it steadily and with a calm voice, like he’s putting a child in place. “And those men I fucked…“ Jensen shakes his head and casts a glance toward Jared before focusing on Jeff again. “Thank you for spilling that all out by the way. Not exactly how I wanted to tell your brother. That was my way of trying to _avoid_ sleeping with your brother.”  
  
 _He tried to avoid sleeping with me? He didn’t want me?_  
  
“Fuck you. You wolves have just as much choice as we do.” Jeff shakes his head and points a finger directly in Jensen’s face. “Don’t make up excuses about instincts and such just because you couldn’t keep it in your pants about my brother. You _bastard_! You fucked my brother!” Jeff launches out to hit Jensen, putting his full force behind the attack.  
  
Jared wakes up from his own passiveness by the brunt force of his brother attacking his _bondmate_. Any thought of want and choice is left behind by the need to support his mate.  
  
Jensen, though prepared, stumbles at the attack, but is fast to get up in Jeff’s face. He jumps straight back and part of Jared is scared that Jensen will lose his temper and shift into wolf. He’s torn between protecting his mate and his brother. Jeff fucking knows better than to start a fight with a wolf.  
  
Scared for his brother and offended on behalf of his mate, he cannot stand by just watching anymore. He jumps in between them, ready to split them apart before either of them ends up hurt.  
  
“Hey!” he yells and puts himself between them just as Jeff is launching at Jensen. Jeff’s fist hits him straight on the cheek, splitting his skin, and continues to knock his nose hard and painfully. He feels his head explode in pain and a wave of nausea hits him as he buckles to the ground.  
  
“Shit, Jay, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Jeff cries out, Jensen seemingly forgotten at the moment as he falls down on his knees beside him. Jensen is down there with him a second later and brushes Jeff’s hand away forcefully when he tries to check for injuries. When they start bickering over who’s to check out Jared’s injuries he’s had enough. He’s in pain, he’s hurt and they are both acting like idiots.  
  
“STOP IT!” he yells as loud as he can, wincing at the sound of his own voice. They both stop in an instant and look at him in shock. “Stop it, both of you,” he repeats more softly, and bats away both their hands that are still touching his face.  
  
“Jeff,” he says, pointing at his brother, “go sit down in the chair.” His brother nods and complies, not used to hearing Jared giving him commands.  
  
Jared shifts his focus to Jensen and asks him to help him up. Jensen grabs his arm and pulls him to his feet. Once he’s up he tries to touch Jared’s face again, but Jared just glares at him and Jensen pulls back. “Sit,” he says to Jensen and pushes Jensen toward the couch.  
  
They both stare at him when he finally sits down next to Jensen and he directs his attention to Jeff first. “Jeff, Jensen didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t want, and he didn’t do anything we actually had a choice in. We’re werewolves, sometimes werewolves bond. It doesn’t happen often, I didn’t think we could either, but we did. So please, stop blaming Jensen for this.” He holds Jeff’s gaze until Jeff nods in understanding and even has the decency to look remorseful.  
  
He then turns to Jensen, gives him a smile and continues. “Jensen, Jeff’s human. He didn’t know about this. We didn’t attend a mixed school so the little I know about bonding is what I’ve learned by the werewolf physician visiting the nurse's office twice a year. Jeff has never learned anything about this, so don’t bite his head off for not knowing. He’s just trying to protect his brother.”  
  
Jensen nods but is smart enough to stay silent.  
  
“Now,” he shifts his attention between Jeff and Jensen, “if you’ll excuse me, I’ll use your bathroom to check on my face. You two can apologize to each other.”  
  
He winces when he walks, but refuses to accept help from either of the idiots sitting on the sofa. He’s still seething with irritation over their lack of understanding toward each other, and if either of them tries to touch him now, he'll start punching.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

“Yes, he’s fine…Sure…No, no…Yes, dinner would be good,” Jared hears Jeff say into the phone as he emerges from the bathroom again. His face doesn’t seem to have taken too much damage, and besides a nasty bruise growing on his cheekbone, there won’t be any sign of the knockdown. He is a bit embarrassed that he went straight down, but to his defense, he didn’t see it coming so he was taken completely by surprise. Although, he knows that when jumping between two fighting men, a wild punch shouldn’t be such a surprise.  
  
“What’s going on?” He mouths to Jensen, nodding his head in Jeff’s direction.  
  
“He called your parents to tell them you’re here and that we’re on our way over there soon.”  
  
 _Shit, his mom. How could he forget?_  
  
“Jeff’s coming with?” Jared asks, relieved that Jeff seems to take the command regarding their parents. Jared steps closer to Jensen, wanting to stay as close as possible. He feels drawn in two directions. On the one hand, he’s hurt by the rejection of hearing how he initially wasn’t wanted, on the other hand he feels the need to be close to his mate.  
  
“Mom’s expecting us home in an hour and a half, and she’s making dinner. Are you ready to leave?” Jeff breaks him out of his thoughts, and Jared turns around to look at him. Jensen gives him a smile and grabs his hand. Jared tries to sense Jensen’s feelings, but comes up short. He himself is feeling scared and confused, but underneath it all he can feel the excitement from the bond pulse through his veins. The relief that he is _complete_ for life is more powerful than the fear of being bonded. It calms him down, and he lets himself be pulled into Jensen’s embrace.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

It’s been four months since Jensen last set foot inside the Padalecki home. It’s located on a height, with a large yard stretching out behind it bordering a field of barley, and behind that, the large forest stretches all the way across the hills to the mountains. If you look above the treetops you can spot the snow covered peak of the mountain in the far west. If the day is clear and you have clear sight, you can even catch a glimpse of the glacier, located in the middle of Jensen’s own pack territory.  
  
The yard is enclosed by a white picket fence, and the road leading up to the house wends its way through green fields overgrown with weeds and wildflowers. There is no public transportation providing bus routes up here, but the school bus makes an extra trip in, morning and afternoon, to pick up and drop off the few kids living in the houses on this solitary road.  
  
Jeff maneuvers his car into the driveway and parks next to his mom’s in front of the garage. They haven’t yet climbed out of the car before the front door of the house is opened and Mrs. Padalecki (“call me Sherri, hon”) walks out to greet them, closely followed by Megan. Sherri’s wearing an apron and has red roses in her cheeks after slaving over the pots. Jensen doesn’t think he’s ever seen a more perfect picture of a welcoming home, and he’s scared he will soon destroy their happiness by announcing that he’s taking their youngest son with him to the city.  
  
Jared greets his mom with a kiss on the cheek, apologizes for worrying her. She fusses over Jared’s bruised cheek, which he tells her was an accident. She doesn’t look completely convinced, especially since both Jensen and Jeff radiate guilt, but she gives up when none of them are willing to talk. Jared tells Jensen to come in with him and they all walk in together, Jared first, closely followed by Jensen, Jeff, Megan and Sherri. The house smells delicious and Jensen’s stomach growls as soon as the aroma hits his nose. He remembers that none of them have eaten all day, and he’s suddenly afraid he’s going to forget his manners and eat too much when they sit down at the dinner table. He wants to make a good impression, and not to embarrass Jared.  
  
“Hope you are hungry, Jensen,” Sherri says and smiles. Jensen tries not to blush, knowing that she must have heard his stomach.  
  
“Sure am, ma’am,” he says.  
  
“Sherri, please,” she says. “Gerry will be home any minute, and then we’ll be ready to eat. Now go and wash up you guys, and I am sure we’ll be ready by the time you are.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared leads the way into the bathroom to wash up and then to the dinner table where he sits down to dig into the amounts of food his mom has prepared for them. His dad walks in just as they are seated at the table, and he looks surprised by the number of company.  
  
“What a pleasant surprise,” he says and eyes them all. “Jensen, nice seeing you again. Jeff? Didn’t expect to see you home on a weekday, is everything alright?” He grabs the bowl of potatoes and starts filling up his plate.  
  
“Ehrm, yes,” Jeff says with shifting eyes, and suddenly both Megan and Sherri look at him as well.  
  
“Jeff?” Sherri asks.  
  
“Ehm, actually,” Jared says, twitching on his chair and grabbing Jensen’s hand under the table. “I have some news for you.”  
  
They all shift to focus on him, and now that he has five sets of eyes on him, Jared can feel his heart start to race and the sweat run down his spine. Jensen squeezes his hand and Jared grabs onto it, holding on for life.  
  
“Jared?” his dad prompts, still holding the bowl of potatoes, with the potato filled spoon lingering in the air. Jared can see how he slowly drops the last potato on his plate and puts it all back on the table before he turns all his focus on his youngest son.  
  
“I,” Jared starts and look first at Jensen, then at Jeff. “I, we…Jensen and I, we’re bondmates.”  
  
The silence following that statement is indescribable. Jared’s used to hearing noises constantly. His elevated sense of hearing picks up more than a human ear can, but right now there isn’t much to pick up. There’s the gulp when his dad swallows, the tiny scratch against the floor when his mom adjusts herself on the chair, and the abruptly shortened giggle from Megan when she starts to laugh but suddenly realizes that this is no joke. Then there’s the complete silence until he whispers, “Mom? Dad? Please say something.”


	3. Chapter 3

The drive home is quiet. Jared doesn’t know what to say, and Jensen doesn’t seem to be any wiser. There’s too much going on in Jared’s head to pick one sentence to voice. His world has completely turned upside-down since yesterday, and suddenly he has to see his future in a whole new light.  
  
Luckily, his parents had taken the news better than Jeff. They were better enlightened, and knew more about being bondmated than his brother. It didn’t stop them being worried though. You can tell a mother a hundred times that her son had no choice in being mated and she would still worry about him being hitched at 18 and taken away to the big city.  
  
It didn’t seem to matter much that he was to leave for Chester City in a few weeks’ time anyway to study. Living in a dorm with a roommate is different, and a little less permanent, than moving in with your spouse. Your relatively unknown spouse, that is. They already knew about Jensen through Jeff, and they did meet him the same weekend Jared did, but that doesn’t mean they know him well enough to trust him with the responsibility for their youngest son.  
  
After a few hours of talking, Jared spent the night spooned with Jensen in his too small for two people bed just on the other side of a thin wall from his sister. He hadn’t felt uncomfortable, but he hadn’t felt relaxed either, and it wasn’t until Jensen pulled him in and started gently caressing him that he managed to drift off to sleep.  
  
In the light of morning the news had sunk in, and they had all helped pack some of Jared’s belongings. They’d bring just the most essential things now and would come back later for the rest. Sometime last night, it had been decided that Jensen and Jared would not look for another place to live, but that they would continue sharing the apartment with Jeff.  
  
It did put his mom’s mind at ease knowing that Jeff would be there to keep an eye on Jared and that he wouldn’t be let out in the big scary world all by himself. His dad also ensured him that although Jared is mated now, they would still support him through college as they were doing for Jeff. So if they save money living with Jeff, it means that Jared doesn’t have to work during college, even though Jensen doesn’t make too much money on his job as an alderman. And Jeff doesn’t have to find another roommate, or a job, to cover the rent Jensen is now paying.  
  
“Hey, am I in a pack now?”  
  
“Huh?” Jensen says, almost steering them out of the road at the sudden break of silence.  
  
“Am I in a pack now? I mean, we bonded, and that’s because of the pack, so am I in a pack now?”  
  
Jensen slows down for the intersection, flips the turn signal and turns into the road toward the city of Chester. Jared can see the sign indicating that they are leaving Millford and though he has driven past the sign many times, it has never felt so final before.  
  
“Yeah, you belong to Archer pack now,” Jensen says. “We should head up to Morgan one of these days to register it.”  
  
 _Archer pack_ , Jared thinks. _That must be…_ “Is that up by Archer Mountain?”  
  
“Yeah.” Jensen smiles. He turns his head to look at Jared, and when Jared looks back at him he can feel the pride streaming from him.  
  
“It’s beautiful up there,” he says.  
  
“Yeah.” Jensen smiles even wider. “You’ve been?”  
  
“Yeah, I’ve run up there a few times.” Jared plucks at a fraying edge on his jeans. “Never told my mom I did though. She would freak if she knew I ran that far.”  
  
Jensen sniggers and shakes his head. “So you’re the one, huh?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“We’ve detected some werewolf-scent we couldn’t determine. Must have been yours. Not many strange werewolves enter another pack’s territory.”  
  
“Sorry.” Jared feels sheepish and sends Jensen an awkward smile.  
  
“That’s okay. We could scent it was a pup, so we didn’t mind. You should be careful now that you’re an adult, though. Strange werewolves won’t take it so lightly. You should stay out of a foreign pack’s territory.”  
  
“Sure.” Jared feels small, having been set straight.  
  
“It’s okay,” Jensen says. “I just don’t want you to be hurt. But being an Archer you’re mostly welcome anywhere. Just keep out of the wild pack territory.”  
  
“How will they know? That I am an Archer, I mean?”  
  
“They can scent me on you now.”  
  
“Oh…”  
  
The silence falls heavy in the car again and Jared keeps thinking that he has never been part of a pack before. He lets his eyes drift to the landscape passing by and to the peak he can see in the distance, raging above the treetops: _Archer mountain_. He knows that his new home is on the other side of that mountain, through the pass that divides Westmount County from Greenburg.  
  
“You okay?” Jensen asks him, laying his hand on his knee. Jared grabs his hand and holds on to it, soaking in the warmth.  
  
“Yeah.” He nods. “A bit overwhelmed is all.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

The mood is awkward and silent when they park the car and move in the few items Jared brought with him. They are lucky to find a parking spot close to their entrance and don’t have to carry the boxes far. He packed the most essential of his clothes, a few boxes of books, his laptop, a few DVDs and most of his music collection. Whatever else he needs they will make trips to pick up later.  
  
Jared notices Jensen watching him walk across the floor when he carries in the last box of books. He puts them down by the shelves in the living room but doesn’t make a move to start unloading them. The shelves are already filled with Jensen and Jeff’s books, and he doesn’t know what to do with his own.  
  
“You okay?” Jensen says and startles Jared. Jared was deep in thought on whether or not he could make a comment about his mate obviously admiring his ass. He guesses he can now, but he doesn’t feel confident enough to do it.  
  
Now that they have mated, the immediate need to have him is gone. Not that he doesn’t find Jensen attractive anymore, because he _really does_ , but the itch has been scratched, and the incredible urge isn’t there anymore. And with that gone, so has his confidence.  
  
Maybe Jensen doesn’t want him as much anymore? He did admit after all, that he didn’t want to be mated with Jared.  
  
Maybe he doesn’t want them to consummate the marriage in human shape? Maybe he doesn’t want to drag Jared along. Maybe Jared just doesn’t know how to ask his own mate to have sex with him, because Jared really does want to have sex now that he’s allowed to.  
  
“Yeah,” Jared answers mindlessly.  
  
“Sure?” Jensen says, moving closer to Jared.  
  
“Yeah,” Jared mumbles, noding. He doesn’t know how to form words, transfixed by staring between Jensen and the door to his, _their_ , bedroom in the background.  
  
Maybe Jensen will hate having sex with Jared? Jensen is experienced after all… Jared is… not.  
  
“Listen, Jared,” Jensen says as he moves to stand right in front of Jared, lifting his hand to brush a strand of hair out of his eyes. “I know we both were thrown into this and it’s new to both of us, so if you…“  
  
Jared throws all caution to the wind and leans in to kiss him.  
  
“Nughn…” Jensen mumbles against his lips and tilts his head up to meet him. The kiss is tentative and chaste, but the second one is deeper, and by the third one they have wrapped their arms around each other and are pressing against each other from chest to toe.  
  
Jensen grabs his hands and pulls him behind him into the bedroom. Jared follows willingly, stumbling into Jensen’s feet when his steps are too long and he accidentally treads on Jensen’s heels.  
  
They laugh and fall down on the bed, relieved that the tension is broken, and Jared lies on his back staring up at the ceiling fan swirling in lazy movement beneath the roof.  
  
Jensen gets up on his elbows, leaning over to peer down at Jared. “Are you okay?”  
  
It’s the second time he’s asked him that today, so he must at least care, Jared thinks. It’s good to feel that someone cares, that someone is concerned about his well-being -- besides his mom, that is. It’s not that he has been neglected, but he just hasn’t been the one people have been concerned about. It feels good.  
  
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says and smiles. “What about you?” He shifts his focus from the ceiling fan to Jensen.  
  
“I’m good,” Jensen says and leans down to kiss him.  
  
Their positions are awkward, with Jared's legs off the bed from the knees down, and Jensen has no place to put his legs when he leans over Jared. "Scoot up on the bed," Jensen tells him, and Jared uses his feet and elbows to move up toward the headboard. The bed is huge, filling most of the room, giving them ample room even for two big men.  
  
They take their time kissing and touching outside their clothes. Neither is in any rush. They have all day and all night, and plenty of time to get acquainted. Jared has never done this before, never thought of doing this. He has kissed a girl before -- Sandy -- but they soon stored that in their experiments folder and agreed that there was nothing there. He has touched himself, thinking about both boys and girls, mostly girls. There has been the occasional boy, but every time, Jared had imagined himself behind the boy, pushing himself deep into the boy’s ass. Never has he thought of himself as the submissive.  
  
There wasn’t any doubt in his mind that the wolf in him was Jensen’s beta though, and he instinctively submitted to him in mating. He flagged his tail and gave himself up, and didn’t even think twice about it. The penetration hadn’t even been painful. Actually, he was surprised how _not_ painful it was. He would have expected it to sting, but he seemed to be prepared.  
  
Jensen had lapped him with his tongue repeatedly before mounting him, and Jared assumed, and still believes, that it was to taste his fluids. But it had helped him prepare as well. It was like each time Jensen touched him with his tongue, he had swollen with moisture, until the fluids were rich and running down his hind legs.  
  
 _Fluids_. He never knew wolves could be wet like that. He hadn’t even known wolves had gay sex, but then, he knew he was a wolf and he knew he was at least a bit gay, so he shouldn’t be surprised. It’s just that whenever he thought of sex, he always pictured it in human form. The only use he saw for intercourse in wolf shape was for mating, and up until now, he figured that was about heterosexual coupling, that they were mostly attracted to each other because they could make good offspring.  
  
But he guesses that beneath it all, that’s what human couplings are about as well, at least if you believe all the anti-gay propaganda. So when humans can be gay and enjoy sex, why not also wolves?  
  
“Are there many gay wolves?” he asks, the question out of his mouth before he can stop himself.  
  
Jensen stops with his fingers wrapped around Jared’s shirt button, having already unbuttoned the first and having moved on to the next. “Are you really asking about that now?”  
  
“Yeah.” Jared smiles at him sheepishly, looking down to watch how Jensen is playing with his button. He hadn’t even noticed how Jensen had started to undress him, but apparently he has also managed to pull up Jensen’s shirt. “Sorry, my brain just never shuts down.”  
  
“I must not be doing this right,” Jensen growls, and pops open his button. “And no, there aren’t many gay weres, but they exist. We won’t be looked upon weirdly, if that’s what you’re afraid of, but we won’t be in the company of many, either. Now, can we go back to this much more important matter?”  
  
“Sure.” Jared smiles and threads his fingers into Jensen’s hair to pull him down into another kiss. Now that he’s aware of what he’s doing, he’s not slow to undress and Jensen follows suit, getting rid of every piece of clothing on his body. Jared’s the first to be completely undressed and he falls on his back down on the bed, basking in the feeling of the fresh sheets Jensen changed when Jared carried up the last of the boxes earlier. Jensen tells him to wait and makes a beeline to the bathroom, coming back with lube and a few packets of condoms. “Need to stock up,” Jensen says, throwing them on the bed.  
  
 _Oh my god, we’re going to fuck_ flashes through Jared’s mind. He’s too aroused to be nervous and he spreads his legs to let Jensen get a good look at what’s waiting for him. He can’t believe it’s finally happening.  
  
The growl emerging from deep in Jensen’s throat is enough to make Jared’s cock twitch.  
  
Just two days ago he would never have anticipated being in this situation. He has dreamed about it, both asleep and in daydreams, but he has never thought it would come true. From the minute he laid eyes on Jensen, he knew he wanted him, and his fantasy has been to hunt him down and pin him under him until he is balls deep into his ass.  
  
The ceiling fan swirls round and round and Jared can feel the air sweeping over his body, cooling the sweat on his body, making him shiver a little.  
  
Jensen is standing before him, all naked and with no shame displaying his want for Jared. It’s overwhelming, the thought that this man wants him, yearns for him and is hungry for his body. Never has Jared felt this desired.  
  
Jared’s cock leaks with anticipation, and he moves one hand down to touch himself, moving his hand up and down with slow strokes while never taking his eyes off of Jensen. He can see Jensen swallow with lust, transfixed at the sight before him. He licks his lips and takes a step closer to the bed.  
  
Even though Jared might be uncertain about their feelings, both Jensen’s and his own, there is no doubt that they desire each other. Lust is thick in the air, and right now want is pretty much clouding up his brain.  
  
Jared spreads his legs wider and shows Jensen that he’s welcome to take. He has never spread his legs for anyone before, he hasn’t even contemplated doing so. He has always thought himself a dominant partner, but he accepts being a beta and he wants to submit to his alpha. He doesn’t know what is expected of him, but he does know that he wants to please Jensen, and he has no doubt in his mind that he will be pleased in return.  
  
He feels the mattress dip when Jensen kneels down between his legs, feels the chilly air blocked when Jensen leans over him and shields him from the draft. Jensen’s warm hands ghost over his skin, still cold from the chilly draft, and Jared gasps when he suddenly tugs one of his nipples.  
  
“So beautiful,” he can hear Jensen mumble before he bends down to kiss the nipple he just pinched.  
  
Jared thinks he could come just from Jensen’s touch, and bucks up to get some friction. He can feel his skin tickle with electricity and he aches to feel more. He unclenches his hands that are grabbing onto the sheets and raises one arm to carefully wrap it around Jensen. He lays his palm flat against Jensen’s back, running it up and down his spine and letting the tip of a finger touch the edge of his crack. The moan that escapes Jensen makes Jared shiver, and he wraps the other arm around him as well.  
  
He pulls him down and savors Jensen’s weight on top of him. They’re touching, top to bottom, and Jared cannot get enough. He bucks up, eager for more, and Jensen tells him to be patient.  
  
They are kissing, deeply and slowly, and Jared drowns in the feeling of Jensen devouring his mouth. He barely notices Jensen grabbing his thighs, raising them higher onto his hips. He pushes down against him, letting their cocks slide together.  
  
Jared is on the edge when Jensen pulls back, leaving him aching for more. He can see Jensen leaning back on his heels, reaching for the tube he left on the bed earlier. The lid clicks and Jensen squeezes a generous amount into his hand. He covers one of his fingers with it, and gently moves in to separate Jared’s buttocks. He touches his entrance with the tip of his finger while he leans down to kiss the tip of his cock.  
  
Jared tenses as Jensen increases the pressure of his touch, but he doesn’t say anything, just takes a deep breath and tries to relax. He wants to please Jensen, but can’t help feeling anxious at the same time, never having envisioned himself having sex this way.  
  
He can feel the tip of Jensen’s finger push in, and he tenses up involuntarily.  
  
“Sorry,” Jensen mumbles against his mouth but doesn’t retract his finger. He lets it linger, waiting for Jared to adjust.  
  
“Go on,” Jared whispers, expecting it to be better in a minute. He concentrates on his breathing, willing himself to relax. He allows Jensen to prepare him; the process is slow, and there's a little pain, but he doesn't express his discomfort. When Jensen asks, he tells him to continue.  
  
Jensen seems to hesitate, but when Jared insists, he continues to open him up. He’s taking his time, using generous amounts of lube, and makes sure that Jared is ready before he pushes in.  
  
The feeling of Jensen pushing in takes Jared by surprise. The feeling of Jensen’s cock in him is substantial and overwhelming. He feels too full, like he’s ripped open, and even though he wills himself to relax, he cannot escape the pain shooting through his body.  
  
Jared holds back the intake of breath, afraid of letting Jensen down. He tries to move, to change the angle. Maybe if he just can….  
  
 _He wants to stop._  
  
He cannot move. He’s pinned down, he cannot even breathe. He’s panicking. He feels his breath come in short puffs and he gasps for air. He wants to scream, wants to push Jensen away, he wants to stop right now.  
  
He doesn’t want to _fail him_.  
  
He closes his eyes to lessen the impact his own distress may have on Jensen.  
  
“It’s okay,” he says, pulling Jensen down so that he doesn’t have to look him in the eyes. “It’s just uncomfortable, being the first time and all. Don’t worry about it, it’s fine,” he says when Jensen asks him if he’s sure.  
  
He keeps silent and breathes through his mouth while keeping moving his hand on his own dick to prevent Jensen from noticing that he is limp.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared lies there for hours before he falls asleep, wrapped up in Jensen’s arms. He’s spooned with Jensen, Jared being the little spoon. He doesn’t let his tears out until he can hear Jensen’s breathing even out, and even a little snore escape, so he knows for sure that Jensen is asleep.  
  
The relief he felt when bonded to Jensen has been shattered and replaced with an iron fist that clenches around his heart. His stomach feels like lead. It’s cold as steel and impossible to remove. He cannot even draw a breath without fear ripping through his veins, and he tries to make his breaths as shallow as possible.  
  
He feels cold and alone lying in his lover’s arms.  
  
He never thought mating would make him feel lonelier than being the lone wolf in his community.  
  
He feels nauseated and scared; scared that _this is it, this is what he’s set with for life, and there is no way he can escape_.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jensen calls his mother early in the morning. He know she’s a morning person and probably on her second cup of coffee already. He leaves his young mate sleeping in their bed. He hadn’t even stirred when Jensen rose to get up. He took a quick look in the fridge, confirmed his suspicions that there was no food there, and grabbed his phone and his keys and locked the apartment door quietly behind him so as not to wake up Jared.  
  
He took the decent down the four floors of stairs carefully, not wanting to cause any more pain than necessary to his pounding head, but breaths out in relief when he can finally lean back on the bench in the park across the road.  
  
“Good morning, love,” his mother greets him after three rings.  
  
“I’ve mated,” he says without any more introduction. Better to get it out there right away. He looks up at the sky. The sun is about to break through the thin layer of clouds and it looks to be a beautiful day.  
  
“You’ve what?”  
  
“You heard me, I’ve mated.”  
  
“And you couldn’t warn us that you were thinking about it? Introduce us to the guy first?”  
  
“Sorry.” Jensen chews on his bottom lip. “We didn’t exactly plan to.”  
  
“Jensen!” His mom bites, disappointment clear in her voice.  
  
“No, mom, no. I didn’t, we didn’t accidentally – I wouldn’t, I’m careful. Jeez.” He feels his cheeks burn with embarrassment thinking about his mom believing he had unprotected sex.  
  
“Then how?”  
  
“We’re bondmates.”  
  
“You…?”  
  
“Bonded.”  
  
“Oh, okay.”  
  
He can hear the surprise in his mom’s voice, knowing that if anyone knows how seldom werewolves bond, it would be her.  
  
“Do we know this man?” she asks, and Jensen breathes in and gets a whiff of Jared’s scent still lingering in his clothes.  
  
“No you don’t,” he says, and starts talking about how they met. They talk for almost half an hour. He tells her everything he knows about Jared and his family. He tells her how wonderful his mate is, and how happy he is that he finally found him, that he doesn’t have to be alone anymore. He knows that she too has been worried about him being unmated at the age of 22.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared wakes up alone in the bed. He must have fallen asleep eventually, all the excitement of the last few days having taken a toll on his body. He’s aching, both in muscles he knew he had and others. But most of all he aches back _there_. He wants to reach back to touch, to feel if it’s swollen. It feels swollen, but he doesn’t want to stick his fingers back there to touch.  
  
It aches more than just a little.  
  
Jensen’s side of the bed is cold but his scent still lingers. Jared buries his nose in his pillow for a moment and inhales. He didn’t notice Jensen getting up, but by the coldness of his pillow he knows it’s been a while since his mate left.  
  
He can’t hear a hint of noise from the apartment.  
  
He can hear footsteps on the floor above him and he can hear pipes singing as someone is taking a shower somewhere else in the building, but not a sound from within their own four walls.  
  
He groans as he climbs out of bed. His whole body aches as if he was 90 and not 18.  
  
He finds a pair of sweatpants in one of the bags he has yet to unpack and gingerly pulls them on, grabbing a t-shirt from the chair next to the bed. The shirt smells of Jensen and he holds it with both hands and buries his face in his mate's scent.  
  
He feels so conflicted. Part of him, the part that was the bond between them, aches with missing Jensen's presence beside him. Waking up alone was not how he wanted to wake up. On the other hand, he is so glad that Jensen can’t see him now, aching and hurting after their sex last night. He wants desperately to please Jensen, but he fears the life ahead of him and he doesn’t know how to reconcile those conflicting emotions within himself.  
  
The scent of Jensen is strangely comforting, and he pulls the t-shirt on to wrap himself in the smell.  
  
He pads over to the bathroom, noticing that the third floorboard from their door creaks. He makes a mental note in case he has to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. He glances around the apartment. The sun is shining through dirty windows and dust is dancing in the beams. The spaces look lived in, somewhat dusty but not filthy, and most things seems put in place.  
  
The light is flickering above the mirror in the bathroom and Jared thinks that it should be changed soon. One of these days they will flip the switch and nothing will happen. It will be pitch dark in this room with no windows. He leaves the door open to reduce the impact the flickering light has on his eyes. He squints at himself in the mirror, sees the bruising forming on his cheek. There are a few scratches on his right arm and he thinks he remembers Jensen doing that in a heated moment before penetration.  
  
There’s a sticky note on the mirror and he peels it off.  
  
 _I’m at the store getting us some food._ Just signed with “J.”  
  
Jared stares at the note, looking at the words written in an almost illegible handwriting. He guesses he’ll get used to deciphering that script with time. He lays the note down next to the sink and runs a finger over the top to make sure it sticks to the countertop.  
  
He turns around to stand with his back toward the mirror and pulls his pants down. He leans forward turning his head as far back he can, catching the reflection of his own butt over the edge of the sink. He grabs his butt cheeks with both hands and pulls them apart as gently as he can, careful not to cause pain. The butt hole looks normal, maybe a little puffy and red. He’s not sure; he’s not used to examining his own butt hole.  
  
At least there isn’t any blood or tears, and he thinks that in a short while, he might be okay.


	4. Chapter 4

The next two days are filled with fitting Jared’s belongings into the apartment. Jensen has cleared out a couple of drawers to make room for Jared’s clothes, and Jared has unsuccessfully tried to find room for his music and films within Jared and Jensen’s already large collection.  
  
They haven’t tried having sex again though. Jensen has been concerned that Jared is sore from the first time, and Jared hasn’t initiated it, relieved that he hasn’t had to put up with it again. He knows he is just postponing, that at some point Jensen will start to expect it regularly. And he also knows that he has to provide. That it’s his obligation and duty to satisfy his alpha.  
  
He is kind of dreading it and mostly he’s trying to block the thoughts of it all together.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jeff arrives home three days later.  
  
He brings with him a few more boxes that their mom has packed of Jared’s things, but most importantly, he also brings an apple pie that she has baked.  
  
Jared kicks one of the boxes out of the way when he walks over to the kitchen, and wonders how they’re going to be able to fit it all into the already full apartment.  
  
They scramble around the kitchen table, Jensen and Jeff plopping down on the chairs they usually occupy, leaving Jared a little bit lost when Jeff is currently sitting in the chair he has been using for the last couple of days.  
  
“Eh….chair?” he says, before Jeff looks up and smiles, realizing that there is no chair for Jared. “There’s an extra chair in my room,” he says and points his thumb over his shoulder toward the living room, and in extension of that, also his own bedroom.  
  
“God, Jeff, can you….?” Jensen shakes his head at Jeff, and gets up from his own chair. “Here, I’ll get it for you,” he says and brushes by Jared to get to Jeff’s room.  
  
“No, I can…” Jared says, but Jensen is already by Jeff’s door. Jared can see the chair through the open bedroom door, and he sees how Jensen just tips it over to throw all of Jeff’s dirty, or maybe it is clean, clothes on the floor. He smiles at Jared when he enters the kitchen again, and gives him a light kiss on the lips once he’s sat the chair down and moves to sit down again. “There you go,” he says and plops back down on his own chair.  
  
Jared sits down at the end of the table, his back toward the stove and facing the wall. The kitchen table is small and hardly fits three people, especially not three men as long legged as they are. He ends up pushing his chair farther out to leave room for both Jeff and Jensen’s legs, but when he tries to pull his leg out from under the table, Jensen hooks one of his own legs over Jared’s foot and traps it between his own two feet. Jared casts a glance at him and Jensen just smirks at him but doesn’t let go of his grip.  
  
“Oh my god, this tastes good,” Jensen moans around a spoonful of pie, and the sounds that escape his mouth makes Jared’s dick twitch. _My brother is sitting at the same table_ , he desperately thinks, but it doesn’t prevent him from staring at the lips currently wrapped around the spoon. He can see the tip of Jensen’s tongue reaching out and licking up a crumb from the corner of his mouth, and Jared forgets how to breathe. Jensen’s eyes are closed and his face is like a picture of….  
  
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Jeff’s voice interrupts Jared’s thoughts and he snaps his head around. Jeff’s looking at them both, wrinkling his nose and making gagging sounds as he pretends trying not to throw up. “House rule – no fucking sexual shenanigans in front of me, especially not when I am trying to eat.”  
  
Jensen throws his head back and laughs, while Jared can feel himself going beet-red. “Sorry,” he mouths when he meets Jared’s eyes, but there is nothing in his facial expression that says he isn’t sorry at all. Jared isn’t sure who Jensen is trying to embarrass, Jeff or Jared, but considering the hand now lying on top of Jared’s, he’ll decide it’s probably Jeff.  
  
He gives Jensen’s hand a squeeze before he lets go to take his own bite of the pie. It’s his favorite type of pie. It’s the one his mom makes whenever he is feeling sad and she wants to cheer him up. He suspects she is worried about him and that this is her way of making sure he’s fine. He’ll have to remember to call her later to say thanks and to let her know that he is okay.  
  
Jared can’t imagine how it will be living without his mom’s cooking. Last time he checked, Jeff was not a great cook, and Jared - he can practically burn water. He has managed to make dinner a few times, but it usually stops with heating up canned food or putting a frozen pizza in the oven.  
  
“Jensen, are you a good cook?” he asks, almost forgetting to swallow the pie before talking.  
  
Jeff starts to laugh and Jensen scowls at him. “Eh, no,” he says, shaking his head. “Are you?” This makes Jeff laugh even harder and Jared kicks him on the shin. Jeff shouldn’t laugh; it’s not Jared that mom forbade ever to come near her stove again. He’s starting to fear that he will wither away by lack of decent meals. At least if he had stayed on campus he would have had the cafeteria and a decent meal program. Now he is left to make his own food. Maybe he can eat all his food on campus anyway.  
  
“Don’t worry, bro,” Jeff says, looking at Jared sideways, “you won’t starve. We know enough to get by, and now and then we even know how to order a pizza.”  
  
Jared laughs, a bit relieved and a lot embarrassed for being caught worrying about starving, but he knows his brother is just as much a bottomless pit as he is, so he should have known he would follow Jared’s train of thought all the way to the end station.  
  
“Oh god,” Jensen says, eying the two of them. “Don’t tell me you’re as bad as he is?”  
  
“Worse,” Jeff says and jumps into tales about how Jared can drive his mom crazy with his appetite.  
  
~*~*o*~*~  
  
Jared sits back and listens to Jeff’s tales about him. It’s like listening to a fairytale he barely remembers. The big lines are as he remembers them, but he doesn’t quite recognize himself. He wants to say “that’s not what happened,” but something stops him. He doesn’t want to make Jeff look like a fool, like he’s purposely trying to make Jared look stupid. And maybe this is how it really happened.  
  
Jared’s unsure now if he really does remember the situation correctly. He was a kid after all, and it has happened before that he hasn’t been right about the way he reacts.  
  
Like that time Bea and him tried to catch a bird.  
  
They were about five at the time, and Bea wanted to pet it. It was a sparrow, he thinks, not that he knew back then. But it was a small bird like that, chipping around and eating the remains of a bun that had fallen on the grass next to the table where they had eaten just moments before. Bea had run toward it and the bird had jumped away. She had run a few more steps and the bird had once again jumped away. It didn’t flee though, too used to humans and too eager to get the food still left on the ground.  
  
Jared had sat unmoving, observing both the girl and the bird. He waited until the bird made one final jump, away from Bea and toward him, and with one smooth movement, he transformed into Wolf and jumped up to close his jaws around the bird. He can still remember the feeling of the bird’s neck snapping from the strength of his bite. It was the first time he had successfully caught a bird in the air and he had been so proud.  
  
He laid it down on the ground, pushing with his snout toward Bea, urging her to pet it. But all she had done was cry. Her screams had been loud and without reason, as far as he could see. Except, when the grown-ups came running, he was the one that was yelled at, even though he couldn’t see what he had done wrong.  
  
Eventually though, he did learn that others saw him differently than he saw himself. He learned that others might judge him for what he felt was right, so he starting observing others and acting as he thought they wanted him to be. So if Jeff tells Jensen that Jared was doing something wrong at the time, he probably was, and it doesn’t make much difference that Jared doesn’t quite recognize himself.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

That night, when they go to bed, Jared lets Jensen touch him again. He lets him kiss him and caress him, and he is reciprocating as best as he can. He wills himself to relax and fights off his anxiety, but in the back of his mind, the thought of being fucked is looming. He simply cannot enjoy the moment, knowing what’s ahead.  
  
“Anything wrong?” Jensen says, looking at him worriedly.  
  
“No, everything is fine,” he says, kissing Jensen to distract him from looking at him too closely. He pulls him closer and tries to focus on how good Jensen’s kisses are.  
  
“You sure?” Jensen mumbles against his lips.  
  
“I’m sure,” Jared answers, knowing that it’s not Jensen’s fault that Jared is such a freak.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared tries to avoid both Jensen and Jeff by making himself busy sorting through his books. He has lived with them less than a week, and they are already smothering him and telling him what to do. Jensen has even taken to teaching him how to act like a wolf and teach his of Archer pack’s history. He had stopped by his mother to stack up on history books, and handed them to Jared to read.  
  
“You need to know this if you are going to live like a pack member,” he said.  
  
Jared had accepted them and started reading them like he would do for a new assignment at school. He had made a binder where he scribbles down notes, both on history and customs.  
  
Jared had always known he would have to get to know a whole new family when he one day married, but he had never thought about learning a whole new culture as well.  
  
It’s a bit overwhelming to be honest, and if he stops to think about it, he gets scared.  
  
He knows he is bonded, but that’s about it. He expected it to feel better. To feel more… right. So far, everything feels wrong.  
  
Not that he doesn’t like Jensen, Jensen is great. It’s just that… he knows that the bond is right. Bonding can never be wrong, so why doesn’t it feel right? Why doesn’t it feel natural for him to submit to Jensen? Why can’t he enjoy -- or even like even a tiny bit --to be a bottom? He must be the only bonded beta in history to flat out hate his position.  
  
He’ll never stop being a freak, will he?  
  
  
He thought moving away from Millford would mean freedom. How wrong was he?  
  
He focus on his books again, and sorts them in piles: those he wants to read right now, those he wants to read later, and those he has read and wants to re-read in the future. Since the shelves are filled with DVDs and CDs, Jared stacks them in neat piles along the wall, and hopes they won’t be moved without him supervising it. He might be a tad bit anal when it comes to his books.  
  
He has sorted through about one third of them when Sandy calls.  
  
“Hey, Jared, where are you?” is the first thing she says, even before he has time to say hello.  
  
 _Shit, it’s Wednesday_ , he thinks and throws himself into a tirade of apologies. He totally forgot about their weekly movie night.  
  
“I’m so sorry Sands, I totally forgot. Shit, I’m in Chester.”  
  
“Chester?”  
  
“Eh, yeah.”  
  
“Visiting Jeff?”  
  
“Not really. I uhm….shit, I can’t believe I forgot to call you.” He wants to kick himself for forgetting. He never forgets to call Sandy. If there is anyone he should have told right away, it’s her. _Shit_. She’s going to be so disappointed in him for not telling her sooner.  
  
“Jared, what? I’m getting worried here.”  
  
“No, no, everything’s fine, I just….Sorry, Sandy, I really meant to call you.”  
  
“Jared! “ she says, and he can hear she’s starting to be impatient, waiting for him to get to the point. “I am pretty certain I can forgive you for forgetting we had an appointment today, but please, tell me what’s got your knickers in a twist.”  
  
“Ehm, I mated?” he says, waiting anxiously for her reaction.  
  
“You’ve mated?” she squeals, the last word in a pitch high enough to hurt his eardrums.  
  
“Yeah?” he says, pulling the phone away from his ear. _Fucking elevated hearings_.  
  
“Why do you phrase it as a question? You’re not sure?” He can practically see her eye roll through the phone.  
  
“No, no, I’m sure. I’ve mated,” he assures her. “We’re bondmates,” he adds, and considering Sandy’s the one who first told him about bondmates, he’s sure she knows what that entails.  
  
He picks up another book from the pile and places it in the right stack. He’s getting frustrated at the height of the stacks. When did he accumulate so many books? There is no way they will all fit into this apartment.  
  
“Oh, wow. That’s…wow,” Sandy blurts, seemingly unable to find better words. “You know, only you Jared. I fucking knew you were special all along. You know, in more ways than just _special_.”  
  
“Jeez, thank you,” he smiles. Bless Sandy for always making him laugh.  
  
“You’re welcome.”  
  
“Wow.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“So you’re like - soulmates?”  
  
“Guess so,” he says. At least he thinks they’re supposed to be.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“So, woman or man?”  
  
“Man,” he says, fairly sure Sandy will be okay with that. At least she had been okay when he told her he kind of liked men too.  
  
“Okay, name?”  
  
“Jensen.”  
  
“Oh, don’t tell me – as in Jeff’s friend Jensen?” He can almost see her arms flail with the excitement.  
  
“That’s the one,” he confirms.  
  
“So, bonded, huh?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Well, guess I’ll just have to say congratulations then. That is, you are happy about this, right?”  
  
“Uhm… thanks.”  
  
“Jared?”  
  
“No, yeah, I mean, yeah, I’m happy about this,” he says. He just never expected to feel this – empty.  
  
“What is it? Really?”  
  
“… just, it feels strange, is all. I didn’t think it would happen like this.”  
  
“Of course you didn’t.”  
  
“Kind of wish we could date first, you know?”  
  
 _He’s always expected to fall in love first._  
  
“Who says you can’t date now?” she says, and Jared is reminded again why she’s his best friend.  
  
“Yeah? I just don’t know how….”  
  
“Court him,” she says, and he can’t help thinking that it’s a good idea. If he could make Jensen fall in love with him, then he wouldn’t feel so much as a burden.  
  
They talk for a while. She demands all details of their mating and he tries to avoid telling her. He tries to ask for strategies on how to date his mate. Eventually she has to hang up before Chad eats all the pizza himself.  
  
“Do you want me to tell him the news?” she asks before she hangs up.  
  
“Would you mind?”  
  
“Not at all.”  
  
“Okay, thank you,” he says and hopes that she hears the gratitude in his voice. “And sorry again for forgetting movie night. I promise I’ll make it up to you when you move to Chester. You know, Jensen and Jeff have an entertainment center, so if it’s okay with them, we can have some movie nights here.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

It’s a Thursday, the second week of living together, when they finally take the drive up to see Morgan, the pack Alpha. They have to get a letter of confirmation from him on their mateship so they can register it in the official marriage and mateship registry and have the official papers on their relationship issued out. They’ll need this paper to prove their mateship so that Jared will be allowed to live off-campus even in his freshman year.  
  
Jared is nervous when they drive up to pack ground -- the den. He knows that the pack’s den is located up in the Archer Mountains; he has even been close to it multiple times. He’s been in their territories, just not down to the settlement. It’s a stunning area, open and located high above the city, and the highest peak rises above the tree line. Open planes let the eyes see miles ahead, and in the autumn, Jared’s favorite time of year, the low growing vegetation, mostly consisting of lichen and moss, turns to the color of fire, mixed with the cooler air that will allow him to run even farther before his body is too warm. Now though, the area is in full bloom, and the leaves have turned from light green to dark, finally settling into summer.  
  
The settlement, the area that is thought of as the den, is not located farther up than that. It is still just within the larger Chester area, although not within the actual city border. With only a 30-minute drive from the center of Chester, it is still rather central even though it’s located in a rural area surrounded by woods.  
  
Jensen explains that the location was picked out of a need to be close both to the city, where most of the pack members live, and to the nature that is their natural hunting and free run area. Building the den just outside city border but still in the greater Chester area had been a good compromise and serves their needs perfectly.  
  
“It’s perfect, you know,” Jensen says, both hands on the steering wheel but still managing to kind of point with his right index finger, “living in the country but still so close to the city.”  
  
He has been talking non-stop since they left home, and Jared suspects that he’s nervous about bringing his mate home to the pack for the first time. He has assured Jared that it won’t be a show-off, that he isn’t going to introduce Jared to a whole bunch of strange people and that they likely won’t see anyone but the Alpha.  
  
Jared is kind of glad. It has all been so overwhelming so far, and he’d like to take it a little slower from now on. He doesn’t know what to expect anymore. It’s like his whole life has just taken on another dimension.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jensen is both excited and anxious as he drives them up to the den. He’s been nervous about this trip, about how Jared would react being taken to the core of their pack, and his head is pounding from the tense muscles in his neck.  
  
Archer was the first pack established in Chester once the first werewolves moved to the city, and a lot has happened since then. Four other packs have been founded, though Archer still holds more than half of Chester’s were population. The most important improvement is that different packs have formed an alliance and are now working together to keep the peace and keep the omegas in check.  
  
The rising challenges now are the _halfbreed weres,_ the packless ones, the ones that aren’t under control. Packless weres are dangerous.  
  
Werewolves aren’t made to be alone; they need the companionship of a pack. It’s not just to protect society that a pack needs to keep the were in reins, but also to protect the were himself. _A packless were has no defense against his own instinct_ , unless he’s raised to know how to handle them, and is able to act with enough self-discipline. Never be fooled by the human shape; a werewolf is an animal, and in wolf shape, if it’s not trained to exercise restraint, a werewolf might be a dangerous predator.  
  
Jensen casts a glance over to his mate sitting next to him in the car, staring out the window. Light flickers over his features as they pass by the street lamps, the shadows playing across his face.  
  
He tries to listen to the bond, to catch the emotions going through his mate’s body, but he cannot detect any sensations. He smiles when he looks at his mate. He cannot wait to present him for the pack.  
  
 _He’s a packless were_ , Jensen thinks – not for the first time – and the thought is a bit unsettling. It is of course in not correct anymore. He’s part of Archer now, but the fact remains that he was raised packless. He hasn’t had the upbringing that fullblood weres have. And he doesn’t know how to tell his mate that he is pro pack. That his one big goal that he is working toward through his political engagement is to establish a law which forces weres born into human families to be enrolled in were schools, to get the fundamental were upbringing that they can’t get at home. Because without it, what does a kid have to show for it when he reach adolescence, when the instinct takes over and he has had no training about how to handle it? When he has no pack to support him and no one to guide him, making sure that he is mating with a _suitable mate_ , and not the first sweet fuck he meets?  
  
Jared dodged that bullet by having a bondmate. The bond has not only prevented Jensen from finding a mate, but has also made sure that when Jared met Jensen, both Jensen’s and Jared’s urges to mate were so strong that they simply could not resist. Their bond will ease Jared’d animalistic behavior, making it easier for him to cope with his instincts even though he isn’t trained to cope with them. A mated were is always a calmer were. It’s the lone were one should be worried about.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared doesn’t know what he expected, but at least he knows that he didn’t expect what he see when they drive past the large wooden sign that announces they are entering Archer Pack territory. There aren’t any gates or fences and everyone iss welcome to use their land. In fact, there are quite a few spectacular hiking tracks passing through the pack’s territories, leading up to the blue ice glacier or to a rather popular lake, Lake Middlecove, where inhabitants of Chester migrate to in the summer to escape the hot sun and take a dip.  
  
Although he knows better, and knows that civilized wolves doesn’t live in caves, he is surprised how normal everything looks. It looks like every other small town in America. There are low houses, mostly only one story high, scattered around a larger area of land. One house though, in the center of the settlement, has two stories and a façade with at least 20 windows looking out on the main street that snakes its way through all of the buildings. It’s the school, Jensen tells him, the two-story building that seems to be the largest building of them all. Next to the school there are two other buildings that Jensen explains are the boarding houses for the kids from out of town. The boarding houses house a total of 60 kids altogether, and they make up about 20 percent of the total student body of the school.  
  
The school is a werewolf school only, and most, but not all of the kids belong to Archer pack. A minority of the kids, not many, but enough to be noticeable, are werewolves like just like Jared, that are born by human carrier parents and are sent to school to learn werewolf ways.  
  
After Archer pack established the borders to the pack area and had the areas accepted by the originally wild pack that they separated from and other surrounding packs, as well as the city council in Chester, they started building the first few houses of the den nearly 75 years ago. Over the next decades a few families decided to move out to the den, and eventually around 300 houses have been built here, housing around 1000 pack members and functioning as a suburban community for Chester city. The remaining 4500 members mostly live in Chester city or in other parts of the greater Chester area. Some pack members have moved farther away but have remained members due to lack of packs to transfer to wherever they have moved.  
  
Jared even notices a tourist shop, where according to Jensen, hikers can stop by to buy hiking maps of the area and history books about Archer pack and the general history of werewolves in the North American woods. The door to the shop is open and a wooden sign is hanging from a pole just above the door. He’s almost expecting it to swing, but the air is completely still and the ground is baking in the sun. There’s a porch in front of the building and a Blue Bunny ice cream freezer is standing just outside the door, in the shadows from the roof. A bench is placed right beside it and Jared could do with an ice cream in the shade just about now.  
  
They drive past it though, and he can see it disappear from his view when the road curves and they drive down a small hill toward a plane where a few more houses are scattered. They finally park outside a large building holding the administration for the Archer pack.  
  
This would be where the pack Alpha has his office and where Jensen also does his work when he puts in time with the pack council. The pack council consists of 7 members: the pack Alpha and 6 members voted in for 4 years at the time, where the pack Alpha and the second seat member, which currently is Jensen, are the ones that represent the pack in the city council. The building is rather anonymous and nothing about it screams authority. The community doctor is located in the same house and there is a small grocery store across the street from it.  
  
Just down the street and a little more withdrawn from it is the locker room building consisting of two locker rooms with 10 showers each and a long row of lockers where you can keep your belongings when you want to take a free run and need some place to store your things. Putting up these locker rooms here prevents people from having to trot through the city in wolf shape, and though there is no law against it, most people try to go to the outskirts before shifting into wolf. There are three cars parked outside it now, taking up about one-fifth of the parking spaces.  
  
In the back of the administration building there is a large assembly hall, with room for at least 200 people, and the parking spaces in front of the administration building are considerably larger than those in front of the locker rooms.  
  
There aren’t many people outside, but that isn’t too strange. It is the middle of the day and most people living here work in the city and are away this time of day. School’s out for the summer and a few kids are playing at the playground Jared can see tucked in between a group of houses; a mother and child walk out from the store carrying a bag of groceries.  
  
So far he hasn’t seen anyone moving around in their wolf shape, but according to Jensen, they do spend most of their time in their human shape. It isn’t uncommon to see anyone in their wolf shape, but you won’t spot wolf shapes daily. Archer pack wolves mostly live their lives in human shape.  
  
What Jared notices the most is the lack of guardianship signs that you see everywhere in most communities, informing people which pack is responsible for the guardianship of the neighborhood. He guesses it’s rather self-explanatory that this is under the guardianship of Archer pack itself.  
  
“You grew up here?” Jared asks as they walk into the Archer administration building. He knows that Jensen grew up in the den -- Jensen has mentioned it a few times already -- it just hasn’t completely registered until now.  
  
“Yeah, up there,” Jensen says and points toward a group of houses clinging to a steep mountain wall just outside the settlement. It consists of about 10 houses grouped together in two rows, and they are all lined up with their backs toward the mountain wall and their fronts looking out toward the valley beneath it. Jared imagines it must be a stunning view from the large porches he can see covering the fronts of the houses.  
  
Jared has yet to meet Jensen’s parents. He knows Jensen has called them and told them about their bonding. He knows that Jensen’s mom wants them to come for dinner so that he can meet them, but there simply hasn’t been time yet. They are expected to come for dinner next Sunday though, and Jared can’t even pretend not to be nervous.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

The pack Alpha, Morgan, invites them into his office with a gruff expression on his face due to being disturbed in the middle of paperwork. However, one sniff in the air makes him look up and stare straight at Jensen exclaiming, “You’ve mated!”  
  
Jared is a bit stunned at how much these wolves seem to be able to smell. Sure, he has a more elevated sense of smell than his human family and friends, but he has never been able to pick up the subtle meanings of the scents. They have just been confusing and too much. But now, he feels like he is wearing his entire life, his entire being, on the outside, because these guys just sniff in the air and tell him who he is.  
  
“Bonded even,” Jensen answers, causing Morgan’s eyebrows to arch.  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Knotting and all,” Jensen says matter-of-factly.  
  
Jared wants to hide behind Jensen’s back, not happy about details of their mating being talked about so freely. It’s bad enough that anyone can smell their act of mating on them; they don’t have to talk about it as well. But he guesses it’s good that he actually can smell it, considering that’s the only proof he has of them actually mating, and what he will eventually base his letter of confirmation on.  
  
Part of Jared expects Morgan to shake his head, to tell them that they aren’t truly mated. That the bond is something they just made up in their own twisted minds. Part of him expects the Alpha to see right through him and expose him for the fake beta that he is. Truly the Alpha must see that Jared is no beta material.  
  
“You don’t say?” Morgan says and invites them in with a little more enthusiasm now. He congratulates them and seems sincere when he tells Jensen that he is truly happy for him. The grin on Jensen’s face is honest, proud almost, and Jared feels himself blush. He’s a bit proud too, that he is the reason that Jensen looks so proud, even though it won’t last for long.  
  
Jensen asks him why they had bonded, expressing the same confusion that Jared felt toward how two males could bond. Morgan (“call me Jeff, or JD”) explains that bonding had less to do with procreation as it has to do with preservation of the pack.  
  
“We know you two can’t make babies, so you are likely not meant to create members for the pack, but there might be that you are meant to have a certain position in the pack. That your bond is made to strengthen your position and secure your place in the pack. It might be that the pack needs you to be in that position, and that your bond somehow helps with this.”  
  
He looks straight at Jensen as he says so, and Jensen has gone very silent. He stays silent for a while, and Jeff and Jensen just stare at each other, almost like there was a whole silent conversation going on.  
  
Jared would have wanted to know exactly what is going through his mate’s head at this moment, but he feels a bit on the sideline, like he is only watching and is not really being a part of this event. So he sits silently, only observing the interaction taking place between two old friends, not wanting to let Jensen know how little he really understands.  
  
He does silently panic a bit though, realizing that he most likely is intended to support Jensen in some larger task. Some _pack related position_ , and he hasn’t even got the faintest clue what pack is all about.


	5. Chapter 5

Jensen doesn’t drive them straight home, but pulls into a parking lot near the bridge crossing the river that runs through the city.  
  
“Wanna have dinner with me?” he says, and Jared notices how hungry he is all of a sudden.  
  
“Sure,” he says.  
  
There is a little riverwalk just ten steps down from the bridge where they parked, and the riverside is filled with all kinds of restaurants, but they stop at the very first one. They find a table close to the fence, Jared slides into the corner, facing the river, while Jensen sits across from him, his back toward the other guests.  
  
He looks at Jensen over the top of his menu, contemplating pasta or pizza or lasagna?  
  
“Are you okay?” Jared asks, realizing that he hasn’t really asked Jensen how he’s dealing with all of this. He’s been so wrapped up in his own head that he has completely forgot that Jensen has been thrown into it as well.  
  
Jensen looks up, meets his eyes and smiles. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he says.  
  
Jared orders lasagna, with a side order of garlic bread and fried mozzarella. Jensen goes for a pizza, with ham and mushrooms, and they both have a glass of Coke.  
  
It’s peaceful and Jared lets himself pretend they are on a date.  
  
He wants to stop time and enjoy this moment.  
  
“You think they will be okay letting me stay off campus?” he asks, knowing that it is just a formality and the answer will definitely be yes. It’s not really the question he wants to ask. There is so much he wants to know about Jensen, he wants to learn the man that is his spouse, but he doesn’t know where to start.  
  
“Sure they will,” Jensen smiles at him, “don’t worry about it.”  
  
They eat in silence for a while before the conversation picks up. They start asking each other simple questions. And just like so many real first dates it’s a bit awkward in the beginning before they find some subjects to talk about.  
  
It occurs to Jared that this is the first time they are really alone since the first initial days. Jeff has always been with them at every meal, and if not sitting next to them, at least as close as in the next room.  
  
They go through favorite colors and favorite music, but it doesn’t get excited until the hit the subject of movies.  
  
Jared finds it a bit satisfying, and maybe a little hysterical, that his brother is sharing an apartment with two horror-movie fans, when he has spent most of his life mocking Jared for his movie taste. It doesn’t hurt that they like a lot of the same music as well.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

“….so, he wasn’t fully convinced that wolves could control themselves. That they wouldn’t randomly attack or something,” Jared has launches into a story about Chad’s brother finding out that Jared was a wolf, and Jensen finds himself laughing at everything Jared seems to have been up to as a kid.  
  
“That night, after everyone’s asleep, Chad lets me in, and we take a few packets of ketchup and cover his stomach with it, and also smear some around my mouth. We are making it look real good.” Jared is gesturing his hands, speaking more with his body than with words.  
  
“Then I turn, and I sit by the bottom of his bed looking at him, tongue lolling out of my mouth. Chad puts on the act of his life, screaming like a girl, and his brother jostles awake, seeing me and then sees what he thinks is blood, on himself and around my mouth,” Jared laughs, and Jensen thinks he looks more beautiful than ever.  
  
He has never seen Jared this relaxed before.  
  
“I swear, he was pissing himself,” Jared is practically bending over the table laughing by now. “Of course, he eventually noticed that there was no pain, and he tentatively ran a finger through it and tasted it. I have no idea what made me do it, but I walked over to him and licked it off him.”  
  
Jensen can picture Jared’s tongue darting out to lick off the ketchup, and he feel himself getting hard.  
  
“I don’t know what made him more pissed; that we played a prank at him or that I licked him,” Jared smiles, apparently unaware of the effect he has on Jensen.  
  
Jensen had never expected being mated to a man like Jared. So beautiful, so young. So full of life.  
  
“He wouldn’t look at me for months, man, which by the way, was a blessing. Because that kid was way worse than Jeff at being a jerk toward us, and I’ve always kind of hated his ass. So yeah,” he says. “Chad and I are fairly close. I’m not sure who’s the bad influence on whom, but we’ve had a lot of fun.”  
  
“He sounds like a good friend,” Jensen says, still smiling, happy that Jared has a friend like Chad. He can’t wait to meet him.  
  
“Yeah, he is.”  
  
“So, what about you,” Jared prompts, “what friends did you grow up with?”  
  
“Ehrm…,” Jensen says, thinking back to the time when he lived in the den. The laughter still lingering in his voice cracks when he starts to speak. “Well, my best friends are Chris Kane, Steve Carlson and your brother of course. Chris and Steve are playing in a band, trying to put the world under their feet.”  
  
“They any good?” Jared asks.  
  
“I think so,” Jensen for sure enjoy listening to them.  
  
Jared smiles and nods, and Jensen clears his throat, “When we grew up though – in the den – it used to be four of us always hanging out. It was Steve, Chris, Mike and me.”  
  
“Mike?” Jared tilts his head at the mention of the name. Jensen knows that he hasn’t mentioned Mike before, even though he has talked enough about his other friends.  
  
“We--” Jensen rubs his neck, trying to will away the headache that’s eating at his brain, and takes a sip of his Coke. “There was a fallout.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jared says, and Jensen lets himself be over swept with memories.  
  


_~Six years ago~  
Archer den_

  
_“Come on, don’t be a drag.” Mike jumps the fence to the convenience store and sprints toward the back door. Jensen falls back and makes sure to look around before he follows suit. He doesn’t want to risk getting caught. He’s in enough trouble as it is, after being caught skipping classes last week.  
  
Dad had been livid, accusing him of not taking his responsibility seriously.  
  
“We have high expectations of you,” Dad had said. He hadn’t raised his voice, he hardly ever does. The disappointment in his voice was enough to cut through Jensen’s heart, and he couldn’t look up at all.  
  
“I’m sorry, Dad,” Jensen had said, barely whispering the words.  
  
“You know we have high hopes of you…”  
  
“I know…”  
  
“After Josh died….”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Just make sure you finish school. Keep your grades up, and don’t get into trouble. If you get called into Alpha one more time for stirring up a ruckus, I swear Jensen, I will finish you off myself. You have everything going for you. A home, good friends, a good school, a future, and you are willing to throw it all away – for what? What is so important that you cannot stay in school and finish your education?”  
  
“Nothing,” he had whispered.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Nothing,” he spoke up louder, “There is nothing worth throwing that away for. I am so sorry.”  
  
There is no one to be seen now though, and he jumps the fence after Mike. “Wait up,” he yells and sprints over to where Mike has disappeared around the corner.  
  
“There you are,” Mike says as Jensen rounds the corner and walks up to the ramp at the back of the building. Mike’s back is resting against the pole holding up the roof that protects the ramp from the weather; his feet dangle in the air, 2 feet above the ground. “What took you so long?”  
  
“Just wanted to make sure no one saw us.”  
  
“Who cares?”  
  
“I do?”  
  
“You getting scared, Ackles?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Are you afraid daddy will catch you?”  
  
“Fuck you.”  
  
“No thanks.”  
  
“Just don’t want to get in trouble, that’s all. I don’t need another visit to JD’s office.”  
  
He has been sent to Alpha’s office too many times already. One more time, and he will be put in detention.  
  
“Here,” Mike says. He’s holding out a joint, and Jensen grabs it eagerly.  
  
“Thanks,” he says and takes a deep breath.  
  
“Better?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“You need to chill. It’s not good for you being so stressed all the time.”  
  
“I know.” He hands the joint back to Mike, who leans his head back to inhale. They sit in silence for a while, enjoying the effect of the grass.  
  
“Got any plans this weekend?”  
  
“Nah,” Jensen shrugs. He only plans to finish up the paper that’s due next week.  
  
“There’s a party in the city, care to come?”  
  
“In Chester?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Who do you know in Chester that will invite you to a party?”  
  
“A friend.”  
  
“Friend?” Jensen doesn’t know about Mike’s friends. He has friends from before he came to the pack, not all of them good.  
  
“I have friends you know, besides you.”  
  
“Yeah, I know.”  
  
“So, what do you say?”  
  
“Sure,” he shrugs, doesn’t want to seem scared, even though the thought of what Mikes friends might be does worry him a bit. He can always just head back though, if he doesn’t like them.  
  
Mike moved to the den two years ago. His parents were killed and pack took over custody. He hadn’t grown up in the den, even though he was part of the pack, but he had grown up two towns over. His mother was a carrier that had never been part of the pack, but his father was a Archer pack were. One of the families in the den, headed by one of his father's cousins, were assigned to be his guardians and he moved into the den the year he turned 14, shortly after New Year's.  
  
It didn’t take him long to turn Jensen’s life upside down._  
  
  
“It’s years ago now,” Jensen tells Jared, “we were 17, but, well… he’s in an Omega pack now.” He can hear his voice trembling, but he takes a sip of his coke to swallow it down.  
  
Jared must have heard it, because he puts his hand on top of Jensen’s, and Jensen turns his hand to entwine their fingers.  
  
“So,” Jensen says, swallowing hard and smiling through eyes a little more moist than usual, “are you ready for dessert?”  
  
“I'm always ready for dessert,” Jared says and grabs the dessert menu. If Jared has to grab it with his left hand because he is still holding on to Jensen with his right hand, then Jensen is okay with that.  
  
 _That party wasn’t the only party they went to. Turned out this friend had more friends, and they all had access to booze, women and more drugs than Jensen could ever dream of laying eyes on in the den.  
  
It wasn’t always easy, sneaking out to get away, but they usually found ways of lying. No one noticed that they were gone, as long as they were home and in bed by the morning.  
  
His parents didn’t suspect anything, as long as Jensen cared enough to keep his grades up.  
  
The good thing about being were was that the drugs were out of their bodies by the morning, and their parents could not detect a thing.  
  
Not until Mike didn’t show up.  
  
It was Sunday morning, when Jensen was hard asleep in bed. He had come home early the day before, and had gone hiking with one of the guys driving past the exit to the den, and he walked up from the highway. The walk did him good, worked the last of the drug out of his body, taking the scent away with it.  
  
Mike had stayed behind, wanting to party a little longer.  
  
When Mike wasn’t home by Sunday morning, hell broke loose._

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared's good mood falters the moment they step inside the door and he sees his hope for a relaxed evening tossed out the window.  
  
The apartment is filled with people Jared has never seen before sitting in the living room, scattered around, playing guitars and laughing. The hand that Jensen has placed on Jared’s midriff disappears, and the void it leaves is painfully cold. Jensen greets some guy across the room and a smile break on his face.  
  
“Jensen, my man!” the guy is yelling, waving for Jensen to come over.  
  
Jared immediately feels alone and out of place.  
  
He grabs his bags to put them into his room only to find Jensen in deep conversation with the same guy when he returns. Jeff is standing a bit too close to a nice looking brunette, not even noticing that Jensen and Jared have come home.  
  
Jared feels like walking over to Jensen but he doesn’t want to be the guy that can’t be more than two feet away from his boyfriend, so he ends up walking out to the kitchen to see if there is any cold soda in the fridge.  
  
Anything to look like he is doing something instead of just playing a wallflower.  
  
The kitchen is void of people and he find a fridge stocked with both soda and beer. He grabs one of the beers and pops it open without giving a thought to who it really belongs to and the fact that he really is too young to drink.  
  
“Hey, are you hiding out here?” Jensen’s voice comes from behind him and he spins around, trying to hide the can of beer behind his back.  
  
“No,” Jared says, lying through his teeth.  
  
“Good, grab me one as well,” Jensen smiles at him and point towards the cans in the still open fridge.  
  
“I don’t know whose they are,” Jared says.  
  
“Probably Chris’” Jensen answer.  
  
“That’s who he is?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen nods, “let me introduce you to him.”  
  
The music is loud and Jared can hardly separate voices from the music when he enters the livingroom. The feeling of every noise and impression rushing in is a bit overwhelming, he’s not able to filter it all. He used to be better at calming his senses, he must be slipping.  
  
“How do you deal with all the noise?” He leans close to Jensen to make sure he can hear what he’s saying?  
  
“What?” Jensen yells back over the music.  
  
“The noise, how do you deal?”  
  
“I just do, I guess,” Jensen says as they reach Chris, “I don’t think much about it.” He gives Jared and apologetic smile before turning to Chris.  
  
“Hey Chris, this is Jared,” he says and put his arm around Jared’s shoulders.  
  
“Hey Jared,” Chris nods and eyes the cans in their hands. He arches his eyebrow, but doesn’t comment.  
  
Jared leans into Jensen’s embrace, and he’s content when Jensen doesn’t let go. It feels good knowing that Jensen is comfortable showing his friends that they belong together.  
  
"Let's sit," Jensen says. They squeeze into what little space is left on the couch, Jensen wedged in beside someone else and Jared perched beside him on the sofa arm. His legs splay where there's room, one braced between Jensen's. Jensen keeps moving his hand absently over Jared's thigh, and Jared has a hard time concentrating on anything but the feeling of that hand on him.  
  
"So what are you planning to study?" the guy next to Jensen asks--Jason, Jared think his name was.  
  
“Ehm, English, I guess,” Jared answer.  
  
“You think?”  
  
“Yeah, I haven’t started yet, but yeah, that’s what I plan to do.”  
  
“He has always has his nose in a book,” Jeff chimes in, and Jared nods.  
  
“I guess I have,” he says.  
  
“Just like mom,” Jeff says, “they can never go anywhere without a book.”  
  
“You know,” Jensen says, “just because _you_ haven’t read a decent book in your entire life, doesn’t mean your brother is as literarily challenged as you are.”  
  
“True, true,” Jeff says, a bit of a slur present in his voice. “Although, I have read books as well. Remember Chris, the summer I tried to read – what was it again – Naked by, eh….”  
  
“David Sedaris?” Jared guesses.  
  
“Yeah,” Jeff laughs, “I thought it was about strippers, turned out it was not.”  
  
“God, you complained a lot,” Chris chimes in, “bitching all week. We were camping up in the mountains, and you hadn’t packed much other than that book to entertain you. You were a pain in the ass.”  
  
“I was not.”  
  
“You were too, and it’s not the only time. Do you remember the time you forgot to pack food when we were hiking?” Chris launched into a series of stories about Jeff and his shortcomings. It's nice hearing about Jeff's inadequacies for a change, and not his own. But at the same time, it's strange sitting in this group of people who obviously know each other well, and feeling like an outsider instead of one of the group, still looking in from outside the way he did as a kid.  
  
It hadn’t really occurred to him until now that Jensen’s friends are of course also Jeff’s friends.  
  
“Excuse me,” he says and moves to stand up. “I’m tired, do you mind if I go to bed?” he says to Jensen, trying not to draw too much attention to himself.  
  
“Sure? Are you okay?” Jensen put his beer down and makes a move to stand as well.  
  
“Yeah, just tired, is all. Please, stay.”  
  
He crosses the room, smiles at the people he has to push his way past, and gives a sigh of relief when he finally closes his own bedroom door behind him. His head is spinning from the noise, his impressions, and the realization that even though he’s bonded now, he's always going to be still just Jeff's baby brother.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

“I’m surprised Jeff hasn’t killed you, dude,” Chris grins widely at Jensen when he sits down next to Jensen. Jensen watches Jared leave for their bedroom and he misses his presence next to him already.  
  
“Well, it’s not due to lack of effort,” Jensen throws a glance towards Jeff, who's talking to Steve, now that Chris has taken Jared's place on the sofa arm. "That guy," he nods towards Jeff, "is scary protective of his brother. Damn that man’s big-brother instincts are fierce. I swear, that man is less _unaffected_ than the _unaffected carrier_ term indicates. He definitely has some were in him.”  
  
“And you really mated?” Chris asks – again - for the third time this night. Jensen doesn’t even have to answer, he knows Chris can smell it on him – on _them_ , and he would have known anyway. No doubt his mom called him the minute she got off the phone with Jensen's mom. That's the downside of living in a small community where everybody knows everybody else's business.  
  
“Sure am,” Jensen says anyway.  
  
“You happy?” Chris asks. It’s a loaded question, Jensen think he should know the answer, but truth is, he is mostly freaked out.  
  
He's...he's attracted to Jared, for sure. He's intrigued, and fascinated, and he thinks Jared's a great guy he'd love to date even if they weren't bondmates. But he is a bit scared at the thought they're mated _for life_. He can't grasp the responsibility weighing on his shoulders--and if he's freaking out, how scared must Jared be? Jared, thrown into this, barely an adult, and without the preparation of the pack?  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen answers, although a little distracted, “I’m happy.” And the thing is, as he says it, he knows it’s true. Doesn’t matter that he is confused, thing is - he has Jared. He thinks that with Jared he can face whatever lies ahead.  
  
“Excuse me,” Jensen says and gives Chris pat on the knee before he pushes himself up from the couch, “I need to check on my man.”  
  
He makes his way through the people filling up the room. The bedroom doors are closed and he walks straight toward his own. He knocks once but opens it before anyone has the time to answer. Jared is sprawled on their bed reading a book.  
  
“Hey,” he says and closes the door behind him. “Are you sure you don't want to be out there?”  
  
Jared looks up at him through his bangs, looking younger than his 18 years. “Do you mind if I don’t?” He says chewing on his bottom lip.  
  
“No,” Jensen shakes his head, “no that’s up to you, just wondered.”  
  
Jared doesn’t answer just look up at him some more.  
  
“Do you want me to stay here with you?” Jensen eventually asks, not sure what he should be doing, not sure what Jared wants him to do.  
  
“Nah, go out and have fun with your friends,” Jared says. “I’m just tired. I just want to read a bit and go to bed.”  
  
“Okay,” Jensen hesitates for a moment, before he turns and walks out to his awaiting friends.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

The room is dark when Jensen enters, and Jared is sleeping sprawled out on their bed. He has kicked off most of the blankets, and is snoring faintly at every out breath. Jensen looks at him and feels the pang of want deep in his belly.  
  
His mate is gorgeous.  
  
He loses his clothes, fumbling a little due to the alcohol. But he manages to get naked and crawls up the length of his mate's body. It’s lean and strong, and golden after a long summer.  
  
He kisses the skin just beneath Jared's ear and takes note when his breath hitches and the snoring stops. He goes stiff for a moment, before his eyes flutter and he relaxes when he understands what’s going on. They kiss languidly for a long time, tasting and touching, grinding against each other. Jensen moves his hands down, engulfs Jared's erection and starts to strokes him rhythmically. When Jared starts to moan, Jensen lets go of his cock and pushes his legs wider. He moves his hand down to Jared's entrance, starts to caress his hole.  
  
“Wait,” Jared whispers, and Jensen barely registers it above his need. “I’ll just, I want… on my stomach,” Jared utters.  
  
“Sure,” Jensen says, knowing that Jared prefers it on his stomach. He always insists they do it like that. “Sure,” he says again, and lets Jared roll over.  
  
Jared is pushing up on all fours, opening up for Jensen, flaunting his rim, red and puffy. Jensen touches him with one finger, gently pushes, and Jared pushes against him. He presses in, lets it sink to the first knuckle and glide around in small, gentle movements. The rim is tight around him, and he bends down to give him a kiss at the small of his back.  
  
He lets his finger stay while he leans over to pick up the lube from the side table. He pours out some where his finger disappears into Jared’s ass, and he pulls the finger out to let it glide through the lube. He opens him up, prepares him gently and positions himself to push in. Jared straightens up, pushes against him and lets his right arm disappear under his stomach to grab his own dick. He strokes it in the same rhythm as Jensen pushes in, and after a few moments he starts to hum, it’s almost breathless, but it’s there. He mumbles ‘come on’ and then he push harder against Jensen.  
  
“Slow down,” Jensen breath, “it’s going to hurt you if we don’t take it easy.” Jensen tries to hold Jared still, slowing down his own thrusts. Jared seems frantic, pushing for a fast release. “Are you sure this is okay?” he asks, scared of hurting his mate.  
  
“Yes,” Jared says, his voice restrained.  
  
“Why don’t you turn around? It’s easier for you to relax on your back,” Jensen says, but Jared doesn’t even stop his moves.  
  
“Please,” Jared urges, and he pushes harder against Jensen, “move now.”  
  
“Okay, “ Jensen grabs Jared’s hips, holding him tight and leaving bruises behind. He pushes in hard and fast, and it doesn’t take more than three thrusts before he’s falling over the edge. His vision goes white and he grabs on to Jared’s hips with two hands, burying his nails into his flesh so hard that he probably break skin.  
  
He pulls out and falls down next to Jared. Alcohol is floating in his veins and sleep is about to capture him, but he doesn’t want to leave his lover hanging.  
  
“Did you come?” he says, not sure if he noticed Jared spilling.  
  
“’m good,” Jared says giving Jensen a kiss.  
  
“C’mere,” Jensen mumbles, and Jared shifts to lay belly against his side. He tucks his blanket up with it, puts it between his chin and Jensen’s sweaty chest. An arm sneaking its way around his waist is the last thing Jensen registers before sleep overtakes him.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s still dark outside when Jensen parks his car outside doc Beaver’s office. He’s had a pounding headache for days, day in and day out, and the migraine that has driven him crazy for weeks has finally got a hold of him and won’t let go.  
  
He’s not a stranger to migraines, and usually he can cope, but over the last few weeks they have changed character. They have moved from being centered around his left eye to constantly shifting location, and they are more often than not accompanied by nausea and dizziness.  
  
He has thrown up three times in the last couple of days, and if doc Beaver’s not able to give him something for it, he’s ready to bash his head in.  
  
He glances up at his parent’s house and can see that there’s a light on in the kitchen. He'll probably just head up there after the visit to the doctor, rather than risk the drive in rush hour traffic while he's having trouble focusing. Better to sleep off the worst in his old bedroom than to end up wrapped around a light pole.  
  
He shakes off the thought and opens the door to the doctor’s office. The waiting room is empty, and the door to reception is closed. He sits on one of the chairs lined up along the wall, and grabs one a newspaper left out. It’s a couple of days old, and the news is no longer new. The headlines speak of continued battles between werewolves and humans, and his head hurts even more thinking about it.  
  
The door to the reception opens before he has the time to put the newspaper down, and doc Beaver steps out.  
  
“Jensen? You here already?” Doc Beaver says, checking his watch.  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen nods, careful not to move his head too much. “didn’t want to be late.”  
  
“Come on in,” the doc says and heads over to the door to his office.  
  
“So what brings you here today?” doc Beaver says as soon as they have both sat down.  
  
“Headaches,” Jensen says, trying to keep his voice level. Even speaking is painful now.  
  
“Migraines getting worse?” Doc Beaver has treated him for years, ever since he was a little boy, so Jensen’s tendencies to migraines are not new to him.  
  
“Yeah, they are different.”  
  
Doc Beaver look up at him, away from the computer screen, at this news. “Different, how?”  
  
“They are shifting locations,” Jensen says.  
  
“That’s not unknown with migraines,” the doc says.  
  
“It is for me,” Jensen says. “I’ve had them for years, and they’ve never been like this.”  
  
“Like how?”  
  
“Like there’s an ice pick through my skull,” Jensen says, “From my neck, through my eye and out the front of my skull. But when I move, the pain kind of floats around it, even though it feels like the stick is still left in there.”  
  
“And that’s different from your migraines, how?”  
  
“That’s more like a claw, around the eyesocket.”  
  
“When did these headaches start?”  
  
“About, I don’t know, they have gradually grown worse over the last 2 – 3 months.”  
  
“Does your medication work?”  
  
“The Maxalt just takes the edge off, but doesn’t really get it. The Relpax is better, but still not good enough, I’d really like to try something new.”  
  
“Okay,” doc Beaver says, “What we’ll do is that I give you an injection now to help breaking the pain circle. I’ll give you a combination of Lidocaine and Cortisone. Then I’ll prescribe you Imitrex injection for the attacks, and some Naramig that you can take later the same day, if the attack still lingers. But you still can’t take triptans more than 8 days a month, and you need to make sure that it’s been at least 6 hours between the Imitrex injection and the Naramig. You can combine them with Advil though, so that might help you a little bit more. If there is no decrease in frequency soon, we’ll have to talk about starting you on preventive migraine drugs. Does that sound okay? “  
  
“Sounds good,” Jensen says, still a bit worried that the help won’t be enough.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared is slowly getting used to living with Jensen and Jeff. His rollercoaster of emotions are starting to level out, now that he has a goal to date his mate and make them fall in love.  
  
If Jared had worried about how to get along with a strange person when they lived together, he needn’t have worried. Although he really doesn’t know Jensen, Jeff knows them both, and has been more than helpful guiding them both when they are about to do or say something that would lead to a fight, or at least some friction between them.  
  
Of course, it has led to quite frequent fights between Jensen and Jeff, but at least they have left Jared out of it.  
  
At least two mistakes have been avoided on his part, when Jeff had warned him about using too much of the hot water before Jensen could shower, telling him how grumpy Jensen could be in the morning, and also by warning him that Jensen doesn’t like anyone to touch his special blend of coffee.  
  
He also knows that Jeff’s the reason Jensen hasn’t moved his books, even though Jared knows that the book piles are annoying Jensen. But if there is one thing Jared can’t live without, it’s his books.  
  
But even though having Jeff around feels good, it can be frustrating at times when there is practically no time for just Jared and Jensen. Which is why he asks Jeff to stay out tonight, so that he can prepare a romantic dinner for Jensen and himself. Jeff has promised to do so, but not until after almost falling on his ass laughing at the thought of Jared preparing a meal.  
  
Jared can’t wait. He is determined to make it perfect. He bought candles for the table, he went to the market two blocks down to get fresh vegetables, and he even dug out a table cloth he found in a closet when he was putting his things away. If he's not mistaken, it's the same one his mom used on the kitchen table when he was a kid. He recognized the cross-stitched flowers that he used to count when he was bored and was not allowed to leave the table until everyone was finished eating.  
  
Now he has set the table in the living room, and he has even tidied the table and floor so that everything is put in its rightful place. He hasn’t dusted, but he thinks Jensen probably won’t mind. When Jeff had walked in and saw him tidying, he had whistled and called him a nice little housewife, and Jared decided to deliberately forget Jeff’s clothes the next time he did their laundry.  
  
He knows that Jensen will be home late. He had a town council meeting and will be hungry for sure when he comes back.  
  
Jared's making Pasta Bolognese, and it looks great and smells even better. When the sauce comes to a boil, he has a taste before turning down the burner to let it simmer. Not bad, not bad at all. His stomach starts growling; he's going to need a bite to eat now to tide him over until Jensen comes home.  
  
Actually, he thinks everything is going exactly according to plan. He had printed out a recipe from the internet the day before and bought all the ingredients today after consulting with his mom. He heard a smile in her voice when he called to ask her, but she hadn’t made fun of him. She only encouraged him to make food for his spouse and told him to give her a call if he needed more help.  
  
He’s about to put the lid on the pot when his phone rings. He fishes it out of the back pocket and checks the ID: _Sandy_.  
  
“Hi babe,” he says as soon as he has hit the OK button.  
  
“Hi yourself,” she smiles through the phone  
  
“How’s married life?” she asks, _again_ , and he almost tells her that he isn’t married, he’s mated, but after the first ten futile attempts he has given up.  
  
“Fine,” he says, and tells her that he’s making a romantic dinner for Jensen and himself. There is dead silence at the other end of the phone, and he has to say her name two times before she answers.  
  
“You’re cooking?” she chokes out.  
  
“Yes, I'm cooking, moron, and it's going very well, thank you very much for your confidence.”  
  
“I’m sorry, but….”  
  
“I know, I am a hopeless cook.”  
  
“No, that’s not what I meant,” she chimes in.  
  
“Sure you did,” he says, putting a lot of love and affection into his tone so that she’ll understand that he doesn’t take offense. It’s not exactly a secret that he can’t cook.  
  
“No, really, that is _not_ what I meant. I’m just surprised, glad, that’s…. that’s actually very good.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yeah. I mean, that’s quite an effort. It shows you care. I am sure he appreciates that. I know I would have if I dated you.”  
  
“Yeah,” he nods, even though she can’t see him. Actually he is close to tears, but he won’t admit it. “You would have told me to get out of the kitchen so that I wouldn’t give you food poisoning, and then you would have told me to do the dishes,” he says instead.  
  
“Yeah, that too.” She laughs, and lets him steer them away from subjects concerning feelings.  
  
They talk a little bit more before they say their goodbyes and promise to talk again tomorrow. Next thing on the plan is to open the wine.  
  
Although he has bragged to his mom that he bought all the ingredients himself, he didn’t actually buy the wine. The wine he had to steal from Jeff’s storage, as he isn’t allowed to buy wine yet. He hopes to be forgiven for that later. With Jeff, it’s sometimes better to ask for forgiveness than permission.  
  
He finds a corkscrew in the kitchen drawer and he uses it to gently ease the cork out. He pours a generous splash into the pot, and re-inserts the cork. He resists having a glass now. He'd rather wait so he and Jensen can have the wine with their dinner. If he is lucky, he can convince Jensen to buy a bottle of wine later to replace the one he took from Jeff.  
  
“Is that my wine?” Jeff says, startling Jared. He hadn’t heard Jeff come in, and he uses his surprise as a distraction from having to answer the question.  
  
“Hi Jeff, I didn’t hear you there.”  
  
“Hi, Jared,” Jeff says. “Is that my wine?”  
  
“No,” Jared lies through his teeth.  
  
“Jared!?”  
  
“Okay, yes, it’s yours. But I promise I'll replace it.”  
  
“Hmpf,” Jeff huffs. “Okay.” He casts another glance at it before he adds, “I hope you haven’t added any of that into the sauce.”  
  
 _Only about half a cup,_ Jared thinks, but what comes out is, “Eh, no?”  
  
He doesn’t know why he’s lying to Jeff, but he doesn’t want to look like he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and right now he see no reason why he shouldn’t. “Why?”  
  
“Well --” Jeff rolls his eyes. “-- you know Jensen can’t have that - migraines.”  
  
“Oh, yeah, that…. No,” Jared says and feels his stomach fall. He tries to keep his tone light and smile at Jeff as he moves to leave. “No, nothing in the meal.”  
  
He stares at the pot hatefully, feeling his stomach sink. All this effort and it will be in vain. All he wanted to do was to create an illusion of a date, like they would have done if they weren’t already mated. He wants to court Jensen, to make him fall in love with him, so that they can eventually have what Jared dreamt about having.  
  
The wooden spoon sticking out of the mix of fresh tomatoes, carrots and onions is mocking him and he feels like picking it up and throwing it across the room. He was so happy just a minute ago and now he just wants to cry. The tears are prickling behind his eyes and he tells himself it’s just the onions still lingering in the air.  
  
He feels himself getting angry and frustrated, annoyed that he yet again has managed to fail. He should have known. It’s not like he hasn’t noticed that Jensen gets headaches.  
Throwing away the food won’t help them at all though; it’s perfectly fine food. He set the timer on 45 minutes and thinks that he has still time to order a pizza.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jensen looks at the pots and pans left on the kitchen counter and in the sink and wonders why the kitchen looks like a war zone. There's a full pot on the countertop, lid left off and the contents gradually acquiring a skin on top as it cools. There are chopping blocks in the sink, along with a couple of kitchen knives and a used wine glass containing a few drops of red wine at the bottom. He opens the fridge and spots Jeff’s red wine, a birthday gift from Steve on his last birthday, standing in the door, still 1/3 full.  
  
“Jeff?” he yells, wondering if Jeff has invited friends for dinner without informing them, but he doesn’t receive an answer. “Jared?”  
  
He wonders where they both are.  
  
The bathroom door opens and Jared steps outside, freshly showered. His hair is still dripping wet, bangs falling heavily into his eyes, and Jensen feels the need to brush them away.  
  
“Jensen, hi.” Jared smiles.  
  
Jared has a contagious smile and even if it’s not full force and Jensen is tired from work, he can’t help feeling warmth pooling in his stomach as he watches the dimples form on his mate’s face. He walks over to him, wanting a little taste.  
  
“Hi.” Jensen smiles, leaning in to give him a kiss.  
  
Jared kisses him back and deepens the kiss, letting it linger between them for a moment and all of Jensen’s worries melt away.  
  
Jensen is starting to get addicted to these kisses. He’s addicted to Jared’s body, as simple as that. Like this morning, when Jared had his lips wrapped around Jensen’s dick and Jensen thought he would come just from the view of Jared looking up at him through those bangs. He loves it when he buries himself balls deep into Jared’s ass, but he thinks he likes it even better when Jared swallows him down.  
  
They had kissed and touched and tasted every part of each other’s body, and oh-my-god Jensen gets so hard just smelling Jared. He had grabbed Jared around his hips, ready to turn him around, when Jared had crawled down the bed, sat himself between Jensen’s legs, and pushed Jensen back. He looked at him with mischief before he leant down and wrapped those lips around his cock. Jensen had almost bucked off the bed from that first touch, warm, wet, sloppy with spit, an electric rush just from the touch of Jared's tongue.  
  
He had spread his legs and let Jared fumble with his balls, feeling him stroke his thumb across his sack. He had moaned deeply and had to concentrate to not thrust into Jared’s mouth. Jared had pushed him down, put his hands on his hips and pinned him to the bed.  
  
Jared wasn't able to swallow all of him, but he wrapped his hand around the rest of Jensen's shaft, fumbling a moment trying to find the right rhythm, the correct angle, but his lack of experience was more than compensated for by his eagerness and enthusiasm. It was the fucking best blowjob Jensen ever had -- probably the best _sex_ Jensen ever had. He could definitely get addicted to it.  
  
Jensen had to will himself not to grab Jared’s hair, not to thrust into his mouth, not to scream loud and wake all their neighbors. He could only give Jared a little warning when he came, and Jared let him go, leaving Jensen to cry out when he spurted his white load over his stomach and Jared’s chin. Jensen blacked out a moment and woke up to Jared wiping him down with a damp wash cloth.  
  
“What about…?” Jensen said incoherently, still in a sex-induced haze. He was fumbling with his hand in Jared’s direction.  
  
“All taken care of,” said Jared, smiling and showing him his hand all covered in come.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said. Not apologizing for coming, and not for Jared coming either, but for not being the one to take care of him.  
  
“Nothing to be sorry about,” Jared said, and sealed their lips in a kiss.  
  
“You’re so good to me,” Jensen said, before he pulled Jared in to sneak in a few more minutes of sleep together.  
  
Jensen feels himself grow hard just thinking about their sex and he deepens the kiss. The attraction between them makes it hard to think of anything else while Jared is near him. He recognizes it's part of their bond, their mating, the thing that makes it impossible for them to ever part. It's almost scary how much he wants his mate.  
  
“Are we alone?” Jensen mumbles against Jared’s lips, his spirits lifting in anticipations of what they could do with a moment alone.  
  
“Yes,” Jared whispers while he bites down on Jensen’s lower lip. “Jeff agreed to leave us alone today.”  
  
“You kicked him out?”  
  
“Wanted us to have some time for ourselves.”  
  
”Wonder how we can spend all that time….” Jensen laughs.  
  
“Come on,” Jared says and breaks their kiss. He grabs Jensen’s hand and drags him into the living room. “I’ve ordered pizza and set the table.”  
  
He leads them into the living room where the lighting is set low and there are candles on the table. He lights them and urges Jensen to sit.  
  
 _He made a romantic dinner for us,_ Jensen realizes.  
  
“I didn’t know what you liked on your pizza. I hope meat lover is okay.” He opens the lid of the pizza box, revealing a pizza that is still hot. “Shit,” he mutters, “I probably should have found something else to serve the pizza on.”  
  
He looks around distractedly, as though the bookshelves or the entertainment center would magically produce a serving tray big enough for the pizza.  
  
“Don’t worry about it,” Jensen says. “You wouldn’t have found anything fitting anyway, and really, I don’t mind eating from the box.”  
  
Jensen can see how Jared exhales and how his shoulders visibly lower at his words. More than that, Jensen can _feel_ the relief flooding through Jared’s body and the sensation almost knocks the breath out of him. He knows that mates are good at picking up on each other’s emotions, but so far he hasn’t been able to sense anything from Jared.  
  
 _Until now, that is._  
  
“You sure?” Jared still looks a bit unsure of himself.  
  
Jensen wants to ask him if he felt it too, but he looks unfazed by it all, and Jensen just nods.  
  
“Sure,” he says and gives him an encouraging smile. “Now come sit next to me.” Jensen taps on the couch next to him and holds out his hand to pull Jared down next to him. Jared doesn’t move though.  
  
“Yeah, uh.” Jared bites his bottom lip. “Eh, do you want something to drink? Coke? 7 Up? Beer? We have cold beer… or well, Jeff has, and maybe… do you mind if I have a beer too? I mean, if you want? I don’t mean to…”  
  
“Jared.” Jensen holds up a hand to signal him to stop. “Slow down.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“I’ll have a beer, thank you. And yeah, why don’t you have one too?”  
  
“You don’t mind?”  
  
“That you have a beer?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Why would I?”  
  
“Well, I am underage, and you know, I’m your mate, so….”  
  
“Jared.” Jensen moves to the edge of the sofa and leans over a bit, just enough to grab Jared's hand and pull him closer.  
  
“Yeah?” Jared says and takes a tentative step when Jensen pulls him in. Jensen takes advantage of this movement and pulls him down next to him on the sofa. Jared almost falls over him, but straightens and sits up next to him.  
  
“I don’t mind that you have a beer. And I am more than willing to provide you beer, if you ever want to have it, so don’t worry about it. Now, why don’t you sit here, and I'll get us the beer?”  
  
“Yeah.” Jared smiles. It’s more genuine now and Jensen thinks that he will do anything to see that smile on Jared’s face more often.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

They eat their pizza while Jensen talks about work. He explains to Jared what he usually does at the office, how he prepares for the city council and what kinds of cases they are discussing right now.  
  
“So, you really think _halfbreeds_ should be in boarding schools?” Jared says, chewing on his pizza slice and taking a sip of his second can of beer.  
  
Jensen doesn’t like the way he says halfbreeds, like they are second class, lower than fullbreeds. A werewolf is a just as much a werewolf no matter if your parents were or not.  
  
“Werewolf schools, or at least mixed schools,” Jensen says, weighing his words carefully. He doesn’t want to step on Jared’s toes or to offend his family’s choice for him.  
  
“What would it help?”  
  
 _What would it help?  
  
It would help so that werewolves coming of age would know how to behave when their instincts kicked in. So they wouldn’t attack any innocent women just because they didn’t know how to handle their first heat. It would help so that they were in a pack when their pack instincts set in, instead of finding other strays, often omegas, to bond with.  
  
Weres aren’t made to be individualists, they are pack animals, and when reaching adulthood, this instinct reaches its height. A were will bond to his peers, to a group of individuals like himself, and if they fall into the wrong group, they will loyally bond to the wrong type of peers. Being in a pack is essential.  
  
It would help so that you won’t risk not coping with these instincts and go batshit crazy on society and create fear and false impressions amongst the humans, so that they wouldn't turn on the werewolves and therefore put all weres in danger. _  
  
But of course he doesn’t say this. “Look at you,” he says instead. “Look at how Jeff asked me to help you when you became an adult.” He can see Jared smile at this, knowing that he shares his thoughts about how that turned out. “Not everyone has that opportunity. How do you think you would have handled it if you were totally alone and without anyone to guide you through it?”  
  
“Well, I wouldn’t have mated, for one,” Jared says.  
  
“You wouldn’t have mated _me_ ,” Jensen counters, and nearly shudders at the thought of Jared mated to someone else. A jolt of jealousy shoots through him, and he feels like shaking it off.  
  
“You think I would have mated with just anyone?” Jared tilts his head, looking at him like he's trying to see straight into Jensen’s mind.  
  
“I don’t know,” Jensen says, shaking his head, not able to getting rid of the image of Jared and another were.  
  
"You honestly think I'm that reckless?" Jared's obviously upset, even a little insulted. Jensen sobers up, reminding himself that the jealousy is futile and that Jared is indeed his. "You think I'd have gone for just anyone?"  
  
Jensen just looks at him for a minute, takes in the view that is his mate. His young mate, strong willed and handsome. The look in his eyes says he can’t believe Jensen can think that low of him. His chin juts forward in challenge, waiting for Jensen's opinion.  
  
Jensen thinks that he has never seen Jared challenge him like this before.  
  
“I don’t think so, no,” Jensen says, knowing for sure that Jared would not lose his head like that. If anything, Jensen has faith in his mate, even if he doesn’t know all his hopes and dreams yet. “I think you are too stubborn and too smart to have taken just anyone, and I think you also respect your parents and just about _anyone_ too much to do anything so stupid. But not everyone is as good as you. Not everyone is as smart and levelheaded and strong as you are, and those are the ones I’m worried about.”  
  
“So you would just take us all from our family homes because _someone_ somewhere _might_ be stupid?” Jared asks, not apologizing for the venom in his voice.  
  
 _Well, put like that…._  
  
“It’s not just about the individual were, it’s about pack…”  
  
“But they don’t belong to any pack,” Jared protests, “so why would it reflect on a pack when….?”  
  
“Society doesn’t realize this. It still reflects on all weres when someone goes crazy.”  
  
“So, really, it’s about making sure that wolves don’t get a bad rep?”  
  
“You can put it like that.”  
  
“Hm,” Jared says, picking up another piece of pizza. Jensen is already full, but Jared seems to have room for more.  
  
“I don’t mean to…” Jensen gestures his hand, not sure how he should phrase it. The last thing he wants is to cause trouble between them, not when they finally have a quiet evening together.  
  
“No, no.” Jared shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. Just because I…. well, I am obviously glad I wasn’t taken from my parents, I kind of like living at home, but it doesn’t mean I think things are okay. Maybe I do want something to change. Doesn’t mean I agree with your solution though. But it’s nice to hear what you think about it.”  
  
“Yeah?” Jensen's flooded with relief, able to breathe a lot easier. This is, after all, what he has been most worried about -- finding out what Jared thinks of him being pro pack.  
  
“Yeah,” Jared says. “It’s not like I haven’t been pissed at my parents plenty of times for having me go to an all-human school. But having the choice between going there and being taken from my parents to go to a wolf school? I would still have chosen to stay at home, you know?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen nods, “yeah.” He can see that. He too would have hated not being able to stay with his family during his upbringing.  
  
“So what do you suggest?” Jensen says, curious to head Jared’s thoughts on the matter.  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“Very helpful.” Jensen punches him in the arm, laughing.  
  
“I didn’t say I have the answers, I just said I didn’t agree with your solution. I’m not doing politics, _Mr. City council_ , _Mr. ‘I’m second chair of the Archer pack’_ , so I don’t claim to know what to do.”  
  
“Fair enough.”  
  
“Speaking of,” Jared says, seemingly full for now. He closes the lid of the now almost empty pizza box and wipes his mouth with a napkin.  
  
“‘Speaking of’ what?”  
  
“City council, you, pack….” Jared says, not making any sense.  
  
“What about it?”  
  
“Is that why we…?” Jared looks at him through his bangs, tilting his head to the right. “Is that why we bonded?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Are you gonna be pack Alpha one day?”  
  
There’s an eerie silence before Jensen says, “I don’t know.”


	7. Chapter 7

Jensen wakes up by the sound of his phone ringing. He picks it up before it wakes Jared, and slips out of bed to talk in the kitchen. It’s Doc Beaver calling, giving him new information.  
  
“I’ve read up on bondmating, since we now have the first bondmated couple in an awful long time. I wanted to be prepared in case something comes up,” Doc Beaver tells him.  
  
“Okay?”  
  
“I so happens headaches, nausea, dizzy spells, fatigue.. . all of those can be symptoms of a dysfunctional bond.”  
  
“Ehm, Okay?”  
  
“We know you have headaches, do you have any of the other symptoms?”  
  
“Nausea,” Jensen says, “and dizziness .”  
  
“Fatigue?”  
  
“No,” Jensen shakes his head, but regrets it when his head reminds him it feels like it might explode.  
  
“You think this might fit your situation?”  
  
“No, I don’t know,” Jensen says. He tries to think about their bond, how it’s sometimes… absent. How he has expected to feel _more_. Something stronger. Something of more substance. But most of the time he feels like he doesn’t connect with Jared at all.  
  
It’s not that he doesn’t like him. He does, he more than likes him, he's very attracted to Jared. He's even beginning to fall for him, but he cannot _feel him_ and that’s what bother him the most.  
  
“I can’t really,” doc Beaver sighs, “..if I am right about this, then I can’t fix you. I can only ease your pain a little by giving you some morphine. But werewolves doesn’t react too good to morphine, so I would rather do that only if there's no other way. The only way to fix this, is to fix you…. The two of you.”  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen says and he feels his heart sink, worried about how his mate will take this, if he's going to feel like they've failed. Like they’re not good enough as a couple.  
  
He might not know Jared all that well, but he does know that he tends to think too little of himself.  
  
“You don’t need a doctor, you need Samantha Ferris.”  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen says.  
  
“And Jensen!”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“You need her _now_ . This will only get worse until you have fixed your bond.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

It’s a strange feeling waking up next to Jensen every morning. Jared’s used to sleeping alone, sprawling out on the bed, but when he tried to do that now, he constantly end up kicking his mate’s shin, and Jensen ends up pulling him in, wrapping his arms around him to keep him still.  
  
It’s amazing though, how he seems to calm down once lying in his mate’s arms, even though he would have thought that sleeping in someone else’s arms would feel crowded.  
  
When he wakes up though, it takes a few moments before he realizes where he is, after the initial confusion about not waking up in his old childhood room wears off.  
  
This morning he remembered much faster than usual. That might have something to do with the voices pulling him out of sleep. The mattress beside him was cold, but the voice belonging to his mate has enough heat to last a lifetime.  
  
“I told you,” he could hear Jensen say, “that’s not how werewolves do it.”  
  
“I don’t care,” his brother answered, “we’re not werewolves.”  
  
“Jared is,” Jensen said, and Jared could practically hear him going after Jeff’s throat.  
  
 _Fuck_ , he thinks, not this argument again. First it was the argument whether they should enter their mateship in the marriage register as well as the mateship record. Jeff insists that in their family, people marry, not mate. It is allowed, for crossbreed couples to register their relationship in both registries, but Jensen did have a point – Jared is werewolf, even though his family is human.  
  
Then there was the argument about the actual wedding, Jeff insisting that they need to marry.  
  
“Is there any, will there be any…. I mean, are we meant to have any ceremony or something?” Jared had asked one day, not believing he hadn’t asked before. It just hadn’t occurred to him. It had all happened so fast, and he didn’t have the chance to think of all the details that were still to be taken care of.  
  
“No, nothing like that,” Jensen had said. “Mating isn’t the romantic gesture that a wedding is. We’re more pragmatic I guess.”  
  
Jared hadn’t known what to feel about that, still too numb from all of the changes. The more he thought about it, the more he was unsure about what he felt about it.  
  
Sure, he would have wanted the wedding, has kind of dreamt about that. But then, that has been when he thought he would pick out and fall in love with the girl, or possibly boy, before the wedding, not dealing with getting to know him afterward. It would be weird standing in front of a crowd of people promising to love a man he hardly knows, and truth be told, has no idea how he feels about.  
  
He likes him alright, that’s for sure. He’s fun, and smart, and insanely handsome, and they get on well. But he doesn’t _know_ him.  
  
Jeff though, sitting three feet away in the easy chair had gone off immediately.  
  
“Of course there will be a wedding,” he had said, shooting them both daggers.  
  
“Jeff, no….” Jared had tried to stop him, “it’s okay.”  
  
“Are you just gonna let him….”  
  
“Jeff, please….”  
  
The last thing he wanted was yet another fight between his mate and his brother. He felt they were fighting all the time now, and he was always the subject. Ironic really, how he ended being the subject of their fights when all he really wanted was to avoid fighting.  
  
Jeff had finally let the subject rest, but he would daily pick another issue to fight Jensen with, every little difference between human and wolf were to be fought about, and he didn’t seem to have a voice in the matter.  
  
It’s not the first time Jensen and Jeff are bickering over him, it’s not even the second or the third time. It happens more and more often, and he’s had enough.  
  
He feels like the walls are closing in on him, and the freedom he dreamt about in Chester looks more and more like a life time in prison.  
  
And yet he cannot complain.  
  
He knows he’s set for life and that everyone around him just wants what’s best for him. It’s really his own selfishness and inadequacy that makes him feel this overwhelmed.  
  
It’s like life bombards him with, if not demands, then at least expectations he cannot meet.  
  
He closes the door silently behind him, leaving the old married couple that is his brother and his mate behind.  
  
He is sneaking out while they are distracted by their own self-involvement.  
  
He knows when he gets home later he'll have to face two guys pissed off that he's avoided their calls, but right now he doesn't care. They are driving him crazy, and he is sick of it and needs a break. He just doesn’t know how to tell them that.  
  
He has agreed to meet Sandy at the mall that’s close by, so that they can have a bite to eat before ducking into the world of books. He hasn’t seen her or Chad for over 2 months, but they have finally moved into their dorms a couple of days ago, and Jared feels relieved about having his friends close by again.  
  
Someone that doesn’t expect him to be anyone but himself.  
  
It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate his brother or his mate’s company; it’s just that it’s not the same as being with his friends. He feels like he has to accomplish something all the time when he’s with them, and he doesn’t know what.  
  
Jeff has always expected him to act more human, to be more like him, and even Jared has tried his hardest, he has never been able to rid himself of all his wolf.  
  
And now Jensen expects him to be a wolf, a beta, an Alpha’s mate, and Jared has no idea how to be that. And he has no idea how he can learn to be that, not with Jeff so close, expecting him to be the opposite.  
  
He's used to looking to his brother for advice, and now he’s inclined to do the same with his mate. But where is he supposed to look when they can’t agree and pull him in opposite directions?  
  
He’s constantly drawn between wolf and human and he’s losing it.  
  
Sandy and Chad never expect him to be anything but Jared, and he desperately needs to be just Jared right now, just for a while. Just for a little break.  
  
So he sneaks out, knowing he'll have to face the music when he comes back.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Sandy squeals and throws her arms around Jared’s neck. “Oh my god – I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last saw you. And I still can’t believe you’re married!” she says and ignores all the looks people throw their way.  
  
He pulls Sandy in and inhales her scent. She smells good. She smells like home.  
  
“Hi, Sandy,” he mumbles against her hair. “It’s so good to see you again.”  
  
He doesn’t want to let her go, but he knows he has to eventually, and besides, she probably needs to breathe.  
  
“So, does this make you this guy’s bitch?” Chad chimes in walking up behind Sandy. He slaps Jared on the back, but Jared brings him in for a manly hug. Jared feels a pang of unease in his gut, thinking that it kind of does.  
  
“Shut up,” he tells Chad and hope he comes off as cheerful, even though he feels more tired than anything else.  
  
“Jared?” Sandy stops him in his walk over to the food counters. “Are you okay?”  
  
Obviously tiredness must have seeped into his voice.  
  
“Yeah,” he says not meeting her eyes, he knows she can read him like an open book.  
  
“Jared!”  
  
“I’m okay,” he says again, this time looking her in the eyes.  
  
“But?”  
  
“Can we sit down please?” He doesn’t want to talk about it here, where people are standing close to them, pushing from behind to get to order their food.  
  
"Sure." She nods, but keeps her eye on him, indicating that this conversation is not over.  
  
They walk over to the counters, and he picks up a couple of hamburgers, a large fries and a large cola. Chad buys the same thing but Sandy goes for a salad and some fries. They find a table in a vacated area of the food court, and put their trays down. He starts digging into his food, but Sandy keep looking at him.  
  
“Really,” he says when he can’t take her staring anymore. “I’m okay.”  
  
“But you’re not happy,” she says, it’s not a question.  
  
“No, that’s not…” he says but he doesn’t know how to explain it.  
  
“Then what?” She says, and he notices Chad has stopped eating and is staring at him, too. Unlike Sandy's worried expression, Chad looks angry.  
  
“You’re not sick are you? You have lost weight!”  
  
“I know. No I’m not sick.”  
  
“Is he hurting you?”  
  
“No!”  
  
She looks at him sternly and he squirms under her stare.  
  
“Really, Sandy, no he’s good to me.”  
  
“There is _something_ , Jared I can tell. You might have been able to fool me over the phone, but not when I see you.”  
  
“It’s not Jensen, so chill out,” he says to Chad that has stopped eating and is staring at him with a frown.  
  
Chad lifts his hands in surrender and starts digging into his food again.  
  
“Jared,” Sandy says and reaches her hands out to grab his. “You’re bonded… I thought that….”  
  
“Yeah, me too.”  
  
“Sure you must feel….”  
  
He shakes his head, wishing yet again that he had never met Jensen, so that he no longer would be ripped apart. Torn between needing to be with him, and hating how it makes him feel.  
  
“Please don’t be angry at Jensen,” he says. “It’s not his fault. I just…. I just don’t know how to be submissive.”  
  
“If you aren’t happy, sure you can….. are you sure you can’t leave?” Sandy looks at him with sad, concerned eyes, and Jared wants to pull her into his embrace, convincing her that he will be okay. But he’s not so sure he will be.  
At night when they are finished having sex, when Jensen is finished pounding into him, following Jared’s instructions when he tells Jensen that he’d rather be on his stomach, convincing him that it is easier for him, since Jensen’s so thick; telling him that it’s easier to take him that way. When he’s finished stroking himself, not letting Jensen touch his parts during sex, and laying down, making sure Jensen’s not close to where the wet spot was supposed to be. When Jensen lays on his back, sated after a good fuck and pulls him in toward him, that’s when Jared lays his head on Jensen’s shoulder, tucking the corner of his blanket beneath his chin, so that Jensen won’t notice the tears falling from his eyes.  
  
Lying like that, is when Jared knows that he can never leave this man. However much he hates being submissive, he can never _not_ be Jensen’s.  
  
And that, he realizes, is what is his bane in life.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jensen is livid pacing the floor of their flat. If it hadn’t been against pack policy, he would have shifted and run out right now to pick up Jared from the bookstore. He knows that in wolf form, he would have been able to pick up his scent even among a throng of people. As it is now, he can just as well stay home and wait for him to come home.  
  
He cannot believe that Jared just snuck out on them.  
  
He’s frustrated. Frustrated that Jared isn’t talking to him, and frustrated that he hasn’t picked up on what’s going on.  
  
 _He’s frustrated that he feel he’s missing something._  
  
But that's the thing--Jared won't even answer his phone, and Jensen's called, a dozen times or more. He gave up, and though he's tempted to try again, he knows it will just go to voice mail. He's already left three messages, and he's pretty sure Jeff's left a few as well.  
  
He gets it, Jared wanted to go alone. Fine, he can do that. All he had to do was ask. It’s not like he needs a babysitter, the guy is an adult, after all. Except now he doesn’t really act like one.  
  
If he was this fed up with them, why the hell didn’t he say something?  
  
What is he afraid of, that they would yell at him? Well, guess what, there will be yelling when he comes back.  
  
He can take a lot. He can take fighting and disagreeing, but sneaking out behind his back? Cowardly disobeying, that is one thing he can’t stand to see. If you have an opinion, stand up and say so, don’t hide away like a child.  
  
Had he known how hard it would be to live with both Jared and Jeff, he would never have suggested it as a solution. He thought it was the perfect way, an easiest way to make their mateship easier on both Jared and his family.  
  
What he hadn’t counted on was Jeff meddling in _all the fucking time_. Every time Jensen brings someone up, Jeff is there to provide an answer even before Jared gets to say anything. And Jared - he just let his brother speak for him. It’s like he doesn’t even have a voice.  
  
Or that he prefers not to use it, too happy letting his brother do all the talking.  
  
Jeff on the other hand has currently locked himself into his room, furious with anger, directed both at Jensen and Jared. Right now, Jensen is happy that Jeff has decided to stay out of his sight. He’s not sure he would have been able to bite his tongue where he to talk to him right now.  
  
It’s insane how his life has been turned upside down. How he one day knew what he was and what was expected of him, and the next he had a whole other level of responsibility.  
  
He wanted a mate, sure he did. He longed for it even. But he had always pictured a strong werewolf, one that well versed in werewolf way of living, and even one that was politically active. He had always pictured himself with someone he could rely on when it came to support him on the important battles.  
  
Not someone that could be seen as a liability.  
  
Because, face it, being mated to a halfbreed were that was raised human, does not bode well for political career, not if he's to have any hope of winning on his pro-pack agenda.  
But more so, how are they even going to be able to be an Alpha couple, if that’s what their future holds, when his mate doesn’t even know how to be pack.  
  
It’s early days still, Jared has only been pack for a few weeks, and they haven’t even participated in any pack activities. Jared needs time to learn. But to learn, he must be willing to change. He cannot continue to be so – human – if he’s meant to stand next to a future Alpha.  
  
As the mate of an Alpha he needs to dare to speak up. He needs to face challenges, to speak his mind, even if he finds them uncomfortable. And he needs to learn that he and his mate are a team. And more importantly, he needs to know that they are part of pack, that beyond all, pack is what is important. That even though you might have ambitions of your own, your ultimate purpose is to serve your pack, that when all comes to all; your goal is to preserve pack.  
  
There’s a rustling at the door rush out into the hallway almost before the door even opens.  
  
“Where the fuck have you been?” he yells at Jared the moment he steps inside. Forgotten is his promise to stay calm, to let Jared explain and not go all crazy on him. The words are out before he even can think, and all he can feel is a mix of relief to see his mate, safe and in one piece and at the same there is the anger flaring up again for his mate sneaking out on him behind his back.  
  
Jared doesn’t answer, just walks past him, carrying two bags filled with books. _Books they have no space for by the way._  
  
“What do you think you’re doing, just disappearing like that?” Jared hasn’t even spared him a glance something that only fuels his anger.  
  
“You knew where I was going,” Jared says, still not looking at him.  
  
“I knew one of us would take you there, you had no business going across town all on your own.”  
  
“I’m no kid,” he spits out, turning around, glaring at him.  
  
“Then fucking don’t act like one.” He spits back.  
  
“Well maybe if you won’t be too busy having a pissing contest with my brother, I might not,” Jared shouts back, and by now Jeff has walked into the living room as well.  
  
“Jared, go to your room for a while, let me talk to Jensen,” Jeff, having heard the ruckus and walked out from his room says, and Jared, _as always_ , turns to walk away as soon as his brother commands him.  
  
“You stay right where you are,” Jensen barks out, and continues to tell Jeff to stay the fuck out of it.  
  
“I won’t have you boss my brother around like you’re some alpha male.” Jeff bites back, not willing to follow instructions. “Oh, wait, I guess you are,” his eyes are narrowing like he’s snarling, and the tone of voice is close as well.  
  
“You’re damn right I am,” Jensen shouts, anger so strong he’s practically shaking. Jensen has to take three deep breaths, using all his willpower not to explode. He’s had enough. “Jeff, I will only say this once, and you better listen. You stay out of this, as of right now! This is between my mate and I, and you have no say in it.”  
  
“He’s my brother!”  
  
“I know, but he’s _my mate_!” he growls.  
  
“I think I know my brother a little better than you I have lived with him for 14 years, and known him for 18. I’m just trying to help, to make sure that he doesn’t get hurt.”  
  
“I know that you know him better, but don’t you see that that’s the problem? Unless Jared and I start to talk, to fight, to express our feelings, we won’t be able to get to know each other. Every time we get close to a disagreement, you’re meddling in, and I know you do it to prevent us from fighting. But all that happens is that I have no clue what your brother – _my mate_ – prefers. Don’t you see that I wanted to be the one to tell Jared that I can’t have red wine in my food or else I will get migraines. Don’t you think I would have eaten it anyway to be nice to my mate when he made a romantic dinner for us? We need to do things like that, we need to try and fail, or else we will never know each other.”  
  
Jeff starts to interrupt but Jensen’s on the roll and won’t let him get a word in.  
  
“Don’t you see that we need to live together? We have _no choice_. None! Even if it sucks, we are stuck. So please, I am begging you, let us have a chance to get to know each other. If not, I’ll have to find a new apartment for Jared and me, because right now, our relationship is more important than my friendship with you. Never doubt that Jared will be my number one priority.”  
  
Jeff stands completely still after Jensen has fired off his tirade. He swallows a couple of times and looks much smaller than his six and a half feet. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m sorry, I just… I wasn’t thinking. I am really sorry. You’re right.”  
  
He looks broken, like a kid who has lost his teddy bear, and Jensen can suddenly see how alike he and Jared are.  
  
He turns to look at Jared … _who is not there_.  
  
“Jared?” he says, walking toward their bedroom. The door is closed, and he knocks before opening. He doesn’t think he has the right to barge in on him now. When he doesn’t get an answer he knocks again, and wait just a little while before he opens it.  
  
The room is empty. He turns and sees the bags of books still littering the floor, one of the bags has split open and the books are pouring out.  
  
“Jared?” he says even louder, and Jeff catches on.  
  
“Jared?” he yells as well, opening the door to the kitchen while Jensen is checking the bathroom.  
  
“Fuck, he disappeared again,“ he says when they both come back with no luck. This time they have no idea where he has gone.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared is tucked up against the window watching the landscape pass by. He has hardly any room for his legs, the bus seats being far too narrow, but at least he is on his way out of town.  
  
He didn’t bring anything, sans for what is in his pockets. He has his wallet and his phone, that’s it. He had just enough cash for a bus ticket, and he has enough battery to cover the phone for a few days. He knows that he has to call Jensen to let him know where he is, but he really doesn’t feel like it right now. Jensen is right though, he is running away like a kid.  
  
 _'Going to grandma, will stay for a few days'_ , he type and hit send before he can change his mind.  
  
' _I’m sorry_ 'Jensen sends back, just a few seconds after he has sent his text off.  
  
' _I just need a couple of days, please.'_  
  
' _Okay. Tell me when you want me to pick you up. And call me – if you feel like it!_ '  
  
' _I will.'_ he text back and turns off his phone.  
  
It’s still more than an hour drive to grandma, and he closes his eyes. He’s tired. He hasn’t slept much lately. Mostly he has cried himself to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Jensen doesn’t sleep the next couple of nights. The bed is empty without Jared, and he keeps checking his phone to see if Jared has sent him some more texts. He hasn't. There wasn’t one this morning either, even if Jensen sent him a text to wish him a good morning.  
  
Jensen had hesitated before he sent it to him, not wanting to intrude, not when he has promised him space. But he doesn’t want to give him the impression that he doesn’t care. One text each morning is what he has decided on. He spent most of yesterday pacing back and forth waiting for Jared to call, and constantly asking Jeff if he had heard anything. He wants Jared to call him to come pick him up, but when the phone call doesn't come, he decides to spend the day in the office to avoid going stir-crazy.  
  
He’s not actually doing any work, just reading the same document over and over. The words aren’t making any sense, and he can’t concentrate at all between thinking about Jared and fighting his urge to throw up.  
  
He wonders if he should have seen the signs, if Jared had tried to tell him that he wasn’t happy. He wonders why he hasn’t picked up on anything.  
  
 _”You have to fix your bond.”_ The words haunts him, and he knows he is to blame, he’s been so fucking scared. So _lost_. So _wrong_ in how he’s handled it.  
  
“Hi,” a feminine voice says from the doorway. He turns his head and watches the woman leaning in against the doorframe.  
  
“Hi, Sam,” Samantha Ferris, JD’s wife and pack psychologist watches him intently.  
  
“What’s up?”  
  
He knows she wouldn’t have been here if she didn’t know something was up. He wonders how she knows. He looks past her, to JD’s office across the hall and see that he mouths “sorry,” to him while shrugging his shoulders. He should have known.  
  
“Guess you know already,” he says, not bothering to deny anything. He knows that when he has the Alpha couple breathing down his neck, he might as well give up right away.  
  
“Listen,” Sam says, closing the door behind her as she walks in, and preventing her husband to overhear. The walls are soundproofed just for this purpose. “I know you are hurting, Jeff didn’t even need to tell me, I could see it myself in the way you’re holding yourself. I’m just here to help, to listen.”  
  
“I don’t think there is anything you can do now,” he says, putting the document down and pouring himself another cup of coffee. He grabs a second cup, holds it out toward her and asks if she want some. She nods and he pours them both a cup from the not so fresh coffee he has standing in a shiny red thermos. He knows they will talk, they might as well get comfortable while they do.

“So,” Samantha says, “tell me everything.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Grandma isn’t saying much. Not that she isn’t talking, she is, non-stop. But she isn’t talking about why Jared is here. She simply distracts him from his own thoughts, and makes him feel good by pampering him like only she can.  
  
They sit in silence, eating sandwiches she has made and carried out on a tray along with fruits and lemonade.  
  
“Here, eat,” she had said and handed him a plate and a glass, “you are far too thin.”  
  
He knows he has lost weight lately, he can see it in his reflection in the mirror and notice it on his clothes as well.  
  
“Thanks,” he says and puts the plate on the table. He doesn’t make a move to grab the food though, feeling strangely full, even though he hasn’t really eaten in days. He’s surprised that neither Jensen nor Jeff has noticed, but he was just happy that they were more busy glaring at each other than paying actual attention to him.  
  
“I’ve made chicken sandwiches,” Grandma says, and pushes the serving tray toward him. He gives her a smile, and grabs one sandwich from the pile she has prepared. They are all neat triangles of homemade white bread, filled with lettuce and chicken, covered with mayo and sea-salt just like Jared prefers it. He can see that she even has pieces of bacon in there.  
  
“Thank you,” he says and takes a bite. It tastes just as salty and juicy as he likes it, and as the first bite enters his mouth, he notice how hungry he really is.

Grandma talk about her garden, his aunt, uncle and cousins and about what Grandpa has been up to lately. But not once does she ask why he is here.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

“Do you remember Mike?” Jensen says. He knows the answer to the question, knows that Sam would never forget a child go missing.  
  
“Of course,” she says.  
  
“You ever wonder about him?”  
  
“All the time.”  
  
Jensen nods. He thinks about Mike often, wonders if there was something they could have done differently, something else they should have done. He'd fix it if he could, but sometimes things just can't be fixed.  
  
“I miss him.”  
  
“Me too.”  
  
“Do you think, if I had just….”  
  
"There's no use thinking like that, Jensen, wasting energy on what you can't undo."  
  
“But I could learn from it.”  
  
“I think you have.”  
  
Then why? Why did Jared leave? Why had he done it again?

 

~*~*o*~*~ __

_Five Years ago  
Archer den._  
  
 _“Dead?” Jensen asked. “What do you mean dead?”  
  
“Killed.”  
  
“Killed?”  
  
“A knife through his heart.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“I’m sure.”  
  
“And you are sure that Mike did it?”  
  
JD doesn’t say a word, just let the fact linger in the air. Jensen sits down in the chair in the now so familiar office. He’s spent hours here over the last couple of years  
  
After repeated warnings, he'd been sentenced to community service in the Alpha's office. He'd lost his wallet on the most recent occasion he'd broken into the convenience store's storage, inarguable proof this time that Jensen was the thief. Punishment was mandatory: four hours a week, for six months.  
  
It felt like a rough sentence, for something as simple as a B&E, but Alpha was not taking lightly on anyone disrespecting pack.  
  
The first month he had dragged his feet, not wanting to show up. Alpha had never seriously threatened him, and he wasn't condescending towards Jensen, but the work was boring as hell. He was filing records and cleaning up piles of paper that JD had never gotten around to sorting through.  
  
It wasn’t until Samantha started to sit down with him to sort through the papers that things changed.  
  
She started talking with him. Not _to _him, but_ with _him. Asking him how he felt, and what he was thinking, and what plans he had for the future.  
  
He didn’t know anything about the future.  
  
All he knew was the brother he was meant to have a future with was gone, and that he would never be able to ask Josh for advice ever again.  
  
He knew that all his parents was left with now was a young daughter, an innocent girl, and a fuck up of a son.  
  
A son that could never take his big brother’s place.  
  
All he knew was that if he tried to take his brother’s place, he would fail._

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

It’s late when the doorbell rings on Thursday night.  
  
Jared’s been away for four days, and Jensen still can’t sleep. The bed that used to be only his, is now too empty without his mate next to him. He lies awake for hours, barely even shutting his eyes.  
  
Except from a couple of text messages, he hasn’t heard anything from Jared.  
  
 _I need time,_ Jared had written, and Jensen has to respect that.  
  
He doesn’t expect company.  
  
He thumbs the intercom button. "Yeah?"  
  
"Hi," a female voice responds. "It's Sandy. Jared's friend? Can--can I talk to you?"  
  
"Sure." He buzzes her in, opens the front door and waits for her to walk up the four flights of stairs. "Come on in," he says when she finally arrives, slightly flushed and a little out of breath. He takes in her appearance: her petite body, dark hair, and tan skin. Her brown eyes give away her insecurity, and he offers his hand. "Hi. I'm Jensen."  
  
"Sandy," she repeats, unnecessarily. They've already established who they are, but they were both raised to be polite.  
  
“Can I offer you something to drink?” he asks, and leads her into the living room. It is a bit on the untidy side, neither he nor Jeff has found the inspiration to tidy this week.  
  
“Some water would be good,” she says, and gives him a smile. It still doesn’t reach her eyes, and his instinct picks up on some borderline hostility. She acts all sweet though, and he can’t do anything but wait for her to reveal why she is here.  
  
“Please, sit down,” he tells her when he hands her the bottled water.  
  
"Thank you," she unscrews the lid and takes a sip. “You probably wonder why I’m here?”  
  
“Yeah,” he says, sitting down in the chair across from her.  
  
“I…” she starts, shifting in the seat, “I don’t know how to start.” She looks at her hands, looking even smaller than she is. “I know this is none of my business, but…” She lifts her eyes now, looking him in the eyes, “Jared is my friend.”  
  
He nods, he knows that. Sandy is Jared’s oldest friend, one that Jared loves deeply, and he owes it to her, to Jared, to listen to her before he makes any assumptions. “Go on,” he says.  
  
“He doesn’t look happy. I mean, he didn’t look happy when I met him on Sunday. He had lost weight, his smile wasn’t right, he was just, _off_ , you know?”  
  
 _No, he doesn’t know, because that’s the thing, he doesn’t know what Jared is when nothing is wrong. He doesn’t know Jared, hasn’t spent more than a few hours with him before_ this _, so how was he to know that he was changed?_  
  
He doesn’t say that though, he only nods, knowing now, that Jared has left, that something obviously was wrong, he has just no idea what.  
  
“I just…., “ she hesitates again, but takes a deep breath and jumps into it, “I don’t mean to accuse you of anything, but,” she keep his eyes steady on his, “what did you do to him?”  
  
 _Nothing_ he wants to say, _nothing, I did nothing to him!_  
  
He knows it’s not true though, he must have done _something_ , something to make Jared so unhappy. He has just no idea what. But he does know that this girl, staring at him now, not buckling down, does know his mate, and might give him an insight to what went wrong.  
  
“I don’t know,” he says.  
  
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”  
  
“I mean, I don’t know. I have only acted as I thought best, to take care of him, but obviously something is wrong, but I don’t know what.”  
  
“And he hasn’t told you anything?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
“Hm..,” she says, biting her nail.  
  
“What? Has he said anything to you?”  
  
“Nothing specific,” she says, shaking her head.  
  
“Well, what has he said?” he asks, moving to the edge of his chair, leaning toward her. He can see her reflexive pull away from his sudden movement, and he forces himself to ease back a little. “Sorry,” he says, “I didn’t mean to scare you. Believe me, all I want to know is what’s going on with my mate. I lo… You’re not the only one that cares about him, all I want is for him to be okay. And if I make him unhappy, then please help me learn what I did wrong, so that I can make it right.”  
  
She looks at him, and he can see that her shoulders relax, and her smile is more genuine now. “Okay,” she says.  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
“I don’t know if I can help you though,” she sounds sad when she says it.  
  
“Anything, anything that can help….”  
  
“Okay,” she takes a deep breathe. “The only thing I can think of, that I have found odd, is, well, Jared has only hinted, so I am not sure. But it seems to me like he isn’t happy about being beta.”  
  
“What?” It doesn’t make sense. What does being beta have to do with anything?  
  
“He hasn’t run his mouth to me, honestly, Jared would never do that. No matter what, he’s a loyal mate to you.”  
  
“I know. I know that, don’t worry. And Jared is allowed to talk to his friends as well, so I wouldn’t be mad if he had shared things with you.”  
  
“Okay. Well, all he’s said is that he thinks it will take time before he get used to being submissive, that it feel strange, but the way he said it, he sounded so empty. That’s the best way I can describe it, and I don’t think it was just being strange, I think he really struggles with it.”  
  
“With being….. _submissive_?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“That’s what he said?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Jensen sits back, letting the words sink in. _Submissive_? He hasn’t … sure he has made decisions for Jared, plenty. But that’s just because every time he has asked, Jared has seemed reluctant to make up his mind. He has seemed more content letting Jensen decide for him, either Jensen or Jeff. Jensen has just assumed that’s how he is, more happy about letting other people make decisions, so Jensen hasn’t questioned that. Jeff hasn’t seemed to notice either, and the stories from Jared’s childhood all tell about a boy that has constantly followed his family’s lead. So why would he ….?  
  
He thinks about their kisses, their caresses, and how Jared buckles under him in bed when they make love. He think about how Jared willingly, and eagerly drops to his knees and takes Jensen in his mouth, how he always is the first to initiate getting Jensen off.  
  
 _How_ he _is always the one dropping to his knees?_  
  
He thinks about how he always insists on turning to his stomach, how he doesn’t let Jensen touch his dick while they are …  
  
Oh god. He starts to feel dizzy, nauseated. He wants to throw up.  
  
Memories flash of Jared curling up beside him, tucking his comforter up between them when they fall asleep afterward. How Jensen always blacks out almost immediately, while Jared seems to almost hold his breath …  
  
 _…hold his breath until Jensen is sleeping…._  
  
He runs to the bathroom and barely reaches the toilet before vomiting.  
  
 _Oh my god, I have raped my mate. Time and time again, I have raped my mate._

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

He’s been there almost a week when Grandma finally starts talking with him, about the real stuff. He knows she has been talking to his mom, she has called when he has hid in his room, pretending to sleep.  
  
He hasn’t slept much though.  
  
But he has heard her on the phone, muffled voices through paper thin walls. He has tried not to eavesdrop.  
  
“It’s time we talk,” she states. It isn’t meant as a question.  
  
He sits up and tucks the blanket closer around him. He has taken to mostly lying out on the porch now, blanket around him, and staring out on the vista opening up behind the trees screening his grandparents’ house from the view of the lake down below.  
  
“What happened, love?” she asks in a suiting voice, just like she used to talk to him when he sought refuge in her lap as a kid.  
  
“Nothing,” he argues, but she just shakes her head. “I just,” he flaps his hands helplessly; “I can’t go through with it.”  
  
“With what?”  
  
“Being a wolf, a beta, being mated.”  
  
“Oh, honey, why not?”  
  
“I don’t know how to be a wolf, grandma.“”  
  
He looks down, not sure he can blink away the tears if he looks her in the eyes. _He’s so tired._  
  
“You know your mom and I haven’t always seen eye to eye when it comes to you, right?”  
  
He nods, he knows that, that’s why Grandma has always been such a safe haven when he felt let down by his family. He’s not willing to openly admit it though, his loyalty to his mom too grave for that.  
  
“I think it’s time we talk about your childhood.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jensen cries.  
  
He needs to let it all out now before Jared comes home, so that Jared doesn’t have to carry Jensen’s grief in addition to his own.  
  
Jensen has fucked up so bad. He has done the unforgivable, and he has to live with it for the rest of his life. Worse, _Jared_ has to live with it for the rest of his life. Jared is bonded to him -- his offender -- and he has to live with Jensen as long as they live.  
  
How can he ever make this right?  
  
How can he ever show Jared that he … that he _truly cares for_ him. That he wants to do everything for him. That his priority in life is to do right by Jared.  
  
How can Jared ever trust Jensen again?  
  
Jensen picks up the phone and scroll through his contacts until he find the person that he wants to call. He let the finger linger over the call button for a long time, the name Mike highlighted on the screen, but he cannot make himself to hit send. His hands are shaking when he push the phone down his jeans pocket and pick up the car-key.  
  
“I’m going to my parents,” he yells to Jeff and walks out the door before he can even hear the response.  
  
The drive passes in less than 25 minutes, with no traffic and barely any red lights. He parks his car in front of his childhood home and turns off the ignition, but doesn’t make a move to leave the car. He sits there for almost 5 minutes before his mom comes out.  
  
“Jensen?” She knocks on the driver side window, even though she knows he has seen her.  
  
He opens the door and get out, but still without saying a word.  
  
“Honey, is anything wrong?” She pulls him into her embrace even though she is tiny compared to him.  
  
He leans in and starts to cry.  
  
“Baby, you are worrying me. What’s wrong, is it Jared? Honey, is anything wrong with Jared?”  
  
“I….” He chokes on the words.  
  
“Let’s go inside,” she says and pulls him with her inside. His father is meeting them in the hallway, and stops abruptly when he see his wife and son.  
  
“Alan, make some coffee for us,” she orders, and he respond without hesitation.  
  
She leads them into the livingroom and close to push Jensen down on the coach. They wait for Alan, Jensen’s dad, to come with coffee and a serving plate with cookies he has found in the kitchen cabinet.  
  
“Please, tell us what’s wrong.”  
  
“I’ve done Jared wrong,” Jensen starts.  
  
He look at his parents, see the love and worry in their eyes, knowing that he will never recover if their love for him dies, but if he’s shunned and thrown out of the pack, then that’s nothing less than he deserves.  
  
“I’ve done it again.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

“You know we are all proud of you, right?” Grandma says, “Proud that you are a werewolf?”  
  
Jared just looks at her, not able to confirm or deny. He has honestly received mixed signals about this his entire life and he cannot, hand on heart, say that he knows that.  
  
“Well, we are,” she says when he doesn’t answer. “We have always been. That’s why you were named after Tristan Padalecki. You are the first werewolf since him, and your mom wanted to honor that by giving you his name.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

“What do you mean you did it again, Jensen? What have you done?” Mom asks him. She has a good grip on his hands, not letting him go. Now and then she lifts her hands and dry a tear falling from his eyes.  
  
“I betrayed him,” he says, his voice broken. “I let him down.”  
  
“Jared?”  
  
“Yes,” he nods, “just like I did Mike.”  
  
“Jensen, you didn’t…”  
  
“I degraded him, took away his rights, and I betrayed his trust in the worst possible way.” He’s not sure if he talks about Mike or Jared, but either way, it is true.  
  
“Honey,” his mom says, “please, Jensen, tell us exactly what you have done.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

“I don’t know how much you know about your great great grandfather.”  
  
“A bit – he was one of the first settlers, right?”  
  
“Right.  
  
“So you know we have always been proud to carry the Padalecki name and carrying the werewolf gene,” she continues. “We have always considered having werewolf blood our veins to be something to be proud of.”  
  
He’s not surprised to hear this, his parents have never seemed ashamed of him, they have just tried to protect him.  
  
“But even though we knew that Tristan Padalecki had left us with werewolf genes to carry on, it was such a surprise when you were born. We never expected a wolf to be born. As far as we knew, Sherri and Gerry could only breed human and human carriers.”  
  
“How come?” Jared asks, “they did know that carriers could breed wolves, right?”  
  
“Yes, but no one knew that Sherri was a carrier.”  
  
This has Jared lifting his head in surprise, he didn’t know there was ever a question about that.  
  
“Why?” he asks.  
  
“Have you ever wondered about your maternal grandparents? How come they are humans?”  
  
“They are…?” he tilt his head, “I always just assumed they were carriers?”  
  
“No,” she shakes her head. “So as far as anyone knew, Sherri was also not a carrier.”  
  
Grandma takes a break to fill their cups, hot tea for her, a strong coffee for Jared.  
  
“We all thought she was a full-blood human,” she continues. “Now, this is the part where we have disagreed over the years.” She pats his hand and grab on to them, holding them both between her two smooth hands. They are wrinkled and old, but underneath that milky white skin and thin blue veins, are strength still strong enough to hold on to him. “You know I love your mother, she is a wonderful daughter-in-law and I love her like my own child. But I have always wanted her to tell you the full story. However, it has not been up to me, but I have called her, and she has given me the permission to tell you now.”  
  
She nods towards his coffee, and he pulls free one of his hands. He grabs the cup and hold on to it, like a life line to sanity. He has a bad feeling about what he’s about to hear.  
  
“The poor girl was crushed after you were born. I promised myself that I would let her be the one to tell you, but it’s about time someone did.”  
  
He feel the words hit him in the stomach, and his hands shakes so that he spill some of the coffee.  
  
“She was crushed that I was born?” Jared feels his heart fall, and he wants to throw up.  
  
“No, no, love,” Grandma pulls him into her embrace, stroking him on his head, “not because of you. She was delighted about you.”  
  
She grabs his cup that he cling on to but not able to hold still.  
  
“No she was crushed to learn the story about her family. As far as she knew, Mary was her mother and Nicholas was her father. And they _were_ , in names and all that matters.” She looks him in the eye, make sure that he understands.  
  
“However, due to your birth and the obvious discovery that Sherri was a carrier, Mary was forced to tell Sherri the truth that Nicholas was not her father. That he had just married his pregnant girlfriend after a werewolf had raped her.”  
  
Jared feel the heavy stone in his stomach grows, knowing that his grandma was raped by a werewolf. _Raped and made with child._  
  
“It was a such a shame for your grandmother, and she had never told her daughter the truth, hoping that it never would be discovered.”  
  
He nods, he can understand that.  
  
“For Sherri this was quite a shock. And I guess, finding out just after giving birth, when all hormones are running wild in your body, and you are prone to post-natal depression, that must be even worse.”  
  
He can’t even fathom…  
  
“Had we been a little more aware, we would have seen the shock your mother was in. But no one thought to think post-natal-depression, or even baby-blues, and your mother was more or less left to her own care. Had she gotten some help then I am sure she could have processed the news better. But we failed to give her help.”  
  
 _His poor grandma, him poor mom…_ He feel tears prickle behind his eyes.  
  
“She was never given the chance to deal with it. It caused a massive rift in your mother’s relationship to her mom, and I don’t think your mom was ever able to forgive her for lying to her all her life. I think even though Mary is now gone, it still weighs hugely on your mother’s shoulders that they never truly reconciled.”  
  
Jared is shocked about what he’s hearing and tears are now running down his face.  
  
“But she couldn’t blame grandma for being raped, could she?” His voice is shaking, there is barely any strength to it at all. He feels numb.  
  
“She didn’t, she blamed her for not _telling her_ about it, keeping it hidden that she had werewolf blood running through her veins. She blamed her for leaving her vulnerable for such a shock. She felt betrayed.”  
  
“Yeah, okay, I can see that,” Jared feels a pang of regret for all the times he’s been so angry at his mom.  
  
 _I’ve been so angry,_ he’s surprised to notice.  
  
She has expected so much of him – too much – expected him to be someone he’s not. Expected him to be human, when he can never be.  
  
“But I think as much as we all wanted it differently, we might have done the same thing to you, we betrayed you too.”  
  
“No…”  
  
“Yes, Jared. I think as much as your family is proud of the werewolf blood inherited from Tristan Padalecki, your mother also felt ashamed of the gene’s inherited from her side of the family. Not because he was a werewolf, but because he was a rapist.”  
  
“Hating that part of her was in strict conflict with how proud she had been to marry a Padalecki, and how proud she was of the werewolf blood running through her husband and Jeff’s blood. I think she was very confused. So she did what she thought best. She named you after the first werewolf on the Padalecki side, possibly to cover up the hate she felt for the werewolf on the other side, and she has struggled with her self-hate ever since.”


	9. Chapter 9

Jensen is slowly losing it.  
  
He chases through the woods hunted by the shadows playing tag with the landscape stretching out below the low descending sun. His paws beat against rugged ground, leaving miles behind in minutes. He can feel his heart beat through his chest and every breath pounds on his ribs like a hammer blow. He runs as far and as fast as he can, not slowing even as he nears the border of his pack's territory. He runs full speed on into wilderness.  
  
 _”I betrayed him,” chokes out the words, laying them bare for his parents to hear._  
  
His betrayal cut deep into his own soul. He wants to feel physical pain, feel it stab him through the heart, to escape the mental ache ripping through his body.  
  
 _”Jensen, please, tell us what’s happened?” His mother leans forward, tries to grab his hands. He pull his hands away. He doesn’t want to be touched. He’s filthy, scum, beyond worthy to be touched._  
  
 _”I raped my mate,” the words burn in him, wanting to come out, but the minute they are out there, they suck the air out of the room. His parents gasps, they shake their heads and look at him with bewildered eyes._  
  
I raped my mate…..  
  
 _You….? His mother look at him, shocked, not finishing the sentence. He too does not want to take those words into his mouth._  
  
I can’t believe how I couldn’t….  
  
 _”How could I miss how he didn’t want to? How could I not notice?” He chokes on every word, spitting them out between sobs._  
  
Aren’t we meant to sense……?  
  
 _”Jensen, love, you are new to….” His mother tries to comfort him, but he shakes his head. No words, no excuses, nothing can make this right. She has taken care of him all his life. Made sure he has climbed up after every fall. But this time there is nothing she can do to make this right._  
  
It doesn’t matter….  
  
 _”We’re bonded, I should have felt it over the bond…”_  
  
I should have felt the bond. I should be able to sense him now. Why am I so numb? Why am I so cold?  
  
 _”But if he didn’t….,” she tries, but he doesn’t want to hear. He isn’t to blame, only Jensen is._  
  
Maybe he did?  
  
 _”I should have paid attention,” Jensen says, realization hits him hard._  
  
I didn’t pay attention.  
  
 _I was more concerned with who he should be, than who he already is. I failed him. I failed my mate, and now he has to pay for that. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve a life like this. He deserves so much better._  
  
Jensen runs on instinct. He follows the path he knows he has to take, the place is calling to him. He run the path that leads him to the place where the bond is strongest. He doesn’t stop until he arrives at the clearing where he made Jared his mate.  
  
The area is deserted. It’s empty and cold. He is standing at the very place where their bond was cemented and yet he can feel nothing but disconnect. The distress from their imbalanced bond reaches new heights and it rips through him. He is yearning to feel, to sense, to be one with his mate. The hollow of the void is burning in him like ice cold steel.  
  
 _The bond is missing._  
  
Jensen has heard tales of _the holy bond_.  
  
He’s heard it described in length by his grandmother, when she sat him on her lap when he was a pup. He’s heard it when mother talked about the history of the werewolves when she read from the many history books she bought for his book shelf when he was young. He’s heard about it every time they celebrate the holiday of _Renna_ , the remembrance of the origin of their own species.  
  
The bond has been whispered about with awe, every little pup dreaming of one day becoming part of a mate-bond, but knowing at the same time it won't likely happen.  
  
He’s heard tales about how bond played a larger part of their honorable ancestors’ lives, when they build the packs that today are large and strong, and not at the verge of extinction. He has heard tales of the wolves that moved across far distances to break new grounds to build a home, to build a future. He’s heard about how weres were bonded with mates of other packs in a way to spread the genes, and how beta weres were accepted into the alpha were’s pack.  
  
He’s heard how bonded mates are tied in any way possible, not able to stay apart.  
  
There’s a lot of mythology spun around these tales, and he doesn’t know what to believe.  
  
Some say that bondmates are true soulmates, born to be together.  
  
Others say that a bond is formed as a truce between man and wolf to keep the soul from ripping apart, one part following the human side, the other running with the wolf.  
  
But there is one thing they all agree on, that is that the first bond was formed when a wolf fell in love with a woman, and their love created the first of their kind. It’s about his strength and her wisdom. About him being a predator and her being a caretaker, and the myth talk about how their children became a mix of the two. A new creature with the strength of a wolf but the wisdom of man. About a creature that could change its form to walk among both species.  
  
Jensen doesn’t know what to believe, what the truth is about the bond. But he does know that it’s holy, that it’s given to them for a purpose, that it’s meant to strengthen them in their task for the pack.  
  
All he knows for certain is that his body is yearning for the bond, though he finds nothing when he seeks it. He's being consumed, and if the bond isn't balanced soon, he will go under.  
  
He howls towards the sky, one yelp follows another until there are no more cries left in him. He cries out his pain, yet it doesn’t lessen the ache eating through every fiber in his body – an ache caused by the knowledge that his mate is hurt by Jensen’s own actions, that he has ripped them apart.  
  
 _If he could only be the one to bear the wound._  
  
He sniffs the ground, grieving the fact that he can no longer smell their act of mating. He uses his paws to stir up some dirt, hoping that there will be some twig or something as little as a leaf still clinging on to Jared’s scent. He can feel himself losing sanity when each turn of dirt seems to be more futile than the one previous.  
  
Agony rips through his chest and threats to pull him apart, limb by limb, leaving nothing behind but raw pain.  
  
There is nothing to find here. He crosses the river and starts running again, running toward the unknown, following a call he neither recognizes or knows. He's not thinking, he's following the needs of his body, and he can only hope deep within himself that some part of him knows what he's doing.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared spends his days on the porch. The days are getting colder and he wraps himself up in Grandma’s quilt to keep warm.  
  
He could just have changed to wolf to stay warmer, but he need to keep his human form. He needs to cling to what he recognizes as himself. What he knows.  
  
He has no more tears.  
  
He has cried. He has cried for himself, and he has cried for his mom. He cannot even fathom the anguish to cry for his grandma. This tender little woman that has always wrapped him up in her arms and told him she loves him.  
  
 _The one that has always kept a certain distance_.  
  
Never has he known why.  
  
It explains so much. It explains why werewolves have never been talked about in that part of the family.  
  
It explains why his aunt and uncle showered him with gifts at his birthday, but hardly ever visited. It explained why mom would always insist that he must remember that he is first and foremost human, and that he must never forget that no matter what his instinct tells him, he must never hurt another living being.  
  
It explains why he has always been taught to tone down his own instinct, to bury the wolf inside.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

By the time the sun sets, Jensen has run farther away from home than he has ever been before. He lets the view of the landscape that opens up before him sink in. Plains with low vegetation fall away as he trots out from between the few trees still clinging to the rocky hillside. Trees are sparse here; there's nothing to shield him from the cold northerly wind. At home, summer is giving way to fall. Here in the mountains fall already has a strong grip on nature.  
  
Jensen's thirsty and tired. He's run for hours and he's at his last reserves of strength. He needs to rest soon. He follows the sound of the river while he looks for a cave to shelter him overnight.  
  
The water is cold and feels wonderful in his dry mouth and throat. It helps to fill his empty belly, and he drinks till his thirst is slaked. He follows the river downstream until he finds a place to shelter from the wind. He'll return to the city in the morning, but for now he curls up tight to preserve his body heat. With the wind howling around him, sleep finally overtakes him.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared tries to process everything he’s learned, everything Grandma has told him. It’s too much to take in.  
  
He’s been so angry with him mom. _He can admit it now_. The way she has held him back, insisted he deny the wolf that's part of him, restrain it, keep it locked inside.  
  
He’s always told himself, and others, that he doesn’t care. That it doesn’t bother him the way she always tells him to tone it down if he starts sniffing the air to distinguish a scent, or if he tilts his head to focus on a sound. She would always tell him to act less responsive, to ignore the impressions always bombarding him when he’s around people.  
  
It has never been easy for him to do that, to block the impulses hitting him from every direction. A sound, a scent, an emotion hard to not pick up on.  
  
He would concentrate to the point that he would often miss what was said directly to him, and then he would be reprimanded again for not paying attention.  
  
He would train to selectively block out what wasn’t meant for him to pick up on. He would sit in the school yard with Chad and Sandy, with kids playing all around them. He would let the impressions flow over him, smell the scent of each of the kids and hear bits and pieces of conversations said in voices not mean to carry to where he was sitting. Then he would concentrate on tuning it out, focusing only on Sandy and Chad’s voices, until all he could hear was their talk, and everything else faded into the background.  
  
For years he would practice this as often as he could, until one day he didn’t have to anymore. One day, tuning out everything else was like second nature.  
  
He’d been angry and confused with how she has been proud of him being a wolf, yet told him to keep it hidden.  
  
He’d been angry, but when everyone else seemed to think he has such wonderful parents, it must have been him that was wrong all along.  
  
Now, he is finally allowed to be angry, because someone else voiced the discomfort he has felt and made it real. But he cannot blame this on his mom, not fully; she too is a victim in this.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

At first Jensen doesn't realize what's woken him, but then he clearly hears the sound of a twig breaking under the weight of paws. He jumps up, suddenly alert. In the glooming light from the half moon, he can see that he is surrounded by a pack of wolves, all standing ready to jump him. There are eleven of them all together, most of them male. There’s a female at the back and beside her are two pups.  
  
The wind that’s blowing away from him has prevented him in picking up the scent of the pack moving closer.  
  
Knowing that he has nothing to fight with against pack, he backs up. He doesn’t get more than a few feet back before he is hindered by the rocks that have sheltered him from the weather. He is completely boxed in.  
  
He can clearly pick up on their scent now, the scent of wild wolf. He snarls at them, warning them to let him be, but they only moves closer and sniff the air around him.  
  
He knows they are reading him, cataloguing everything they can learn about him, to better know how to fight him.  
  
He tries to calm his breath, to lower his body to appear like less of a threat; looking like less of an alpha.  
  
 _Threat_ , he thinks. In this condition, exhausted and boxed in, he is no danger to them.  
  
He looks to his left and see that there’s a tiny opening between the scruffy wolf standing there, and the massive rock forming a wall behind his back. He makes a small step to the side, leans his weight on his left leg, ready to jump. The pack picks up on it and closes the gap in an instant.  
  
The pack leader, a large male with grey and brown fur and yellow speckled eyes, growls and moves closer to him. His muzzle is streaked with fresh blood, and Jensen realizes they've been hunting for food.  
  
Jensen lifts his lip, showing his teeth in warning to stay away from him.  
  
He knows that he has no chance to fight his way out of this, not if they feel he’s a threat to their territory, and especially not if they are hungry and are having trouble finding enough food.  
  
His only chance is if he can make them understand that he’s willing to run if they let him go.  
  
Jensen hears a yip to his left, and his attention is drawn to a young, golden-red pup standing behind one of the larger wolves. His head tilts as he judges the dynamics of the group. He realizes that this is most likely a new formed pack, one broken out of the bigger ones. No old packs would bring pups out hunting. No this pack probably haven’t settled in a den yet.  
  
A sudden movement behind him makes him snap his head around, and before he even can see what’s made the sound, a large body is flung against him, and he’s being knocked to the ground by a force so strong that it completely knocks the wind out of him.  
  
He lessens the impact by curling up and rolling around to find his feet again as fast as he can. He manages to jump up again, and he roars as loud as he can.  
  
His alpha voice reverberates between the rock formations surrounding them, but rather than intimidating, it serves to agitate the group.  
  
He leaps into an attack on the large alpha wolf. If he’s going to have a chance surviving this, it is by talking down the alpha, and hoping that it scares off the rest.  
  
The alpha is strong, and eager, and he’s newly fed so he has more strength than Jensen.  
  
But Jensen is a better fighter.  
  
Jensen manages to avoid the alpha's next attack; he counterattacks, piling on top of the alpha and biting down on the neck. With a snarl, the wolf twists his body to escape and Jensen feels the skin give way to his teeth as the alpha pulls away.  
  
They both jump back, staring at each other, waiting, circling, judging and assessing each other as the pack gathers, ready to jump in and take the stranger in their midst down.  
  
Jensen leaps first, hoping the drive will be enough to take the alpha down. He hits straight on, their chests colliding, forelegs spread to rake tough claws at the bulky male's flanks. They fall together, Jensen on top. He follows up his drive fast and hard, his teeth sinking deep into the muscle of the alpha's neck. He can feel the moment the big vein punctures, blood flooding his mouth and spilling out onto both their coats and the ground below them.  
  
One moment he's won their battle, the next he feels burning pain as teeth sink deep into his shoulder, a yank of his attacker's head rips open skin and flesh. A sudden weight slams him to the ground as the pack piles on all at once. His wound is bleeding freely and his legs shake with the onslaught. Unable to fight so many, he sinks to the ground.  
  
Another set of teeth sets in his back and shakes to cut and grip even deeper, and Jensen can't contain his cry of pain. Despite the damage he inflicts on his own hide, Jensen twists to escape the attacking teeth, but as soon as he's rid of that punishing grip, more wolves latch on from the side.  
  
He's not willing to go out without giving everything he's got. He isn't willing to leave his mate without knowing he fought with everything he has, so even as he's struck to the ground, he uses claws and teeth and his knowledge and experience, and what rapidly waning strength is left to him.  
  
Jensen is being dragged by a wolf, its teeth sunk into his scruff. He's no cub. He's heavy, and it hurts, being dragged along the rough ground, hurts badly enough he'd be whimpering if he could find his voice. But he has no strength to fight.  
  
 _I don't care if he kills me now._  
  
He hopes it will be over soon. He's cold. The sun's in his eyes but it does nothing to warm him. He's shivering and disoriented, and no matter how much he tries to raise his head, he can't.  
  
 _I'm dying._  
  
He's surprisingly okay with that. His eyes won't focus. A blur of green, of black and brown passes his range of vision as he's dragged, and he can hear a river nearby. What vision he has is fading. He lets it go.


	10. Chapter 10

He doesn’t know how long he’s been out when he wakes up being manhandled by a pair of human hands trying to raise him from the ground.  
  
“Come on, Jensen,” a voice says, “help me out here. I need you to shift.”  
  
 _Can’t,_ Jensen thinks.  
  
“Shift,” the voice demands, more urgent this time, “I need you to walk for me, just a little bit. Please, I can't lift your dead weight. Stay awake and let me help you.”  
  
 _The voice_ , he thinks, but his mind is blank.  
  
“Jensen!” the voice insists, “look at me!”  
  
Jensen can feel hands slapping his face. His wolf-shaped face. _"need to shift,”_ he thinks.  
  
“Look at me!”  
  
Jensen manages to turn his head to look at the man kneeling next to him. There's a halo surrounding him, making him a dark silhouette against stark light.  
  
 _Am I dead?_  
  
“Shift!”  
  
 _No, death wouldn’t be this painful,_ he realizes and focus again on the human.  
  
“Please, you need to help me, so I can help you,” the man is now begging.  
  
 _Hey. I know you..._  
  
“Mike?” he chokes out in wolf sounds, his voice coming out weak, but the hands touching him stop for a minute.  
  
“Yes, it’s me,” Mike says, and picks up where he left, poking and prodding at Jensen’s body. “Now, do as I say.”  
  
His eyes close as he focuses on his human form. The pain increases and his body wants to rebel. He feels himself losing the battle for consciousness.  
  
 _I need to live_ , he thinks, desperate now that he has help. _I cannot leave Jared before he knows how sorry I am ._  
  
“Please, don’t pass out on me again,” Mike's voice insists.  
  
 _I’m sorry, Jared._  
  
“You fucking bastard, you aren’t allowed to die now.”  
  
 _I won’t_  
  
Shifting takes more energy than he has. He’s screaming as his bones crack when they start to transform from wolf to man. The pain rips through him, he can feel it eating through his body, pulling joints and muscles apart, making his blood boil.  
  
 _I can’t stand it!_ he's screaming in his head, when the pain only increases, but he's still stuck in his wolf form.  
  
“Come on, you can do it,” he can hear Mike chanting. His voice seems to come from miles away.  
  
He gathers all his strength and pushes through the shift. He hears himself roar, and when the roar modulates into a human scream he lets himself go. He’s panting on the ground, but he’s still awake – barely. His breathing is shallow, and his body is motionless. He feels more than gravity pull at his body--as if it will drag him down through the earth beneath him, and though he’s lying still, he almost feels like he's in free fall.  
  
“Can you stand?” Mike asks, his hands checking Jensen everywhere.  
  
 _No,_ Jensen thinks.  
  
“I’ll lift you up, try to get your feet under yourself.”  
  
Jensen just wants to sleep. Rest. He needs to gain some strength.  
  
“I need to get you to shelter,” Mike insists. He grasps Jensen with both arms and pulls him up to standing, letting Jensen rest sagging against Mike's body. Jensen takes a step.  
  
“There you go,” Mike encourages.  
  
He tries to put some weight on it, but the pain is too much and the leg won't hold him. He collapses again.  
  
“Oh, no you don’t…” Mike strengthens his grip and pulls him upright again. Jensen manages to take another step and balance his weight, still leaning heavily on Mike..  
  
“That's good. You're doing good!” Mike encourages, but Jensen doesn’t even have the energy to smile, let alone nod in answer.  
  
“Okay, I just need to you move your legs for me, can you do that? I’m gonna hold you up, keep as much of the weight off your leg as we can. And I’m gonna be here every step you take. But you have to move those legs.”  
  
Jensen nods and takes the first tentative step. It’s excruciating, bordering on unbearable, but he knows that if he’s going to see Jared again, he has to get to safety.  
  
He’s sweating bullets, yet he’s freezing. The air around them is cold and it’s started to drizzle, and Jensen feels he’s going to crack any moment. He wants to curl up in a ball and cry. He doesn’t have it in him to fight any more. He’s done.  
  
But he can't allow himself to be done. He has to go on.  
  
“Come on, Jensen, you’re doing good,” Mike says, Jensen leaning hard on him. They have only covered a few feet and he has reached his limit.  
  
“I can’t.”  
  
“Yes, you can,” Mike says. “You have to.”  
  
“There’s…” he doesn’t think anything can keep him moving any more.  
  
“Just to the edge of this clearing,” Mike says, "So I can find you some shelter. “Then you can rest.”  
  
Jensen looks up and sees that there is about hundred more feet to the edge of the clearing. He sets his jaw and nods. _He can do it_  
  
It takes them 15 painfully slow minutes to hobble the distance, but as they get under the shelter of the trees, Mike eases Jensen down again and helps settle him as comfortably as possible. The rain is coming down harder now, and in a while, if it doesn’t stop, it will be deadly. Jensen's already cold, he’s shivering and if he’s kept out in cold rain, he will go into hypothermia pretty fast.  
  
A naked werewolf’s body can sustain cold better than a human body, but even weres aren't meant to stay out in freezing conditions for long periods.  
  
“How are you doing?” Mike says, and starts collecting deadfall sticks and branches to build a makeshift shelter around Jensen. He covers Jensen’s body with leaf litter and pine branches to insulate a little from the cold and preserve what little heat Jensen has remaining.  
  
“I’ll let you rest a bit here, and I’ll find you some water,” Mike says, “You would have been warmer in your fur, but I needed to get you to shelter. Just--Please hang on.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jensen wakes up with Mike wrapped around him. The heat from Mike’s body is seeping into his own, and though the pain is still present, his body isn’t shivering as hard anymore.  
  
Mike pulls away, and Jensen shudders at the cold air taking the place of Mike’s warm body.  
  
“I’m gonna find you some water,” Mike says, and walks off through the trees. Jensen can hear the river in the distance. It doesn’t take long for Mike to return. A few big leaves pinned roughly together with little twigs makes a vessel to carry the water, and though it’s leaking a lot, there's still water left for Jensen to drink.  
  
“Careful now,” Mike says when Jensen laps the water greedily, “I’ll find you more to drink.”  
  
Three trips later, Jensen lays his head down again, feeling some better now that his mouth isn’t as dry.  
  
“You've stopped bleeding,” Mike says, “but I don’t like how weak you are. Not when I need to leave you alone.”  
  
“Alone?”  
  
“Yes, I need to get you some help,” Mike answers, and Jensen remembers him saying this before. “You promise not to die on me if I leave you here to get help?”  
  
“Are we….?” Jensen chokes out.  
  
“You’re safe here. No one will touch you here, I promise.”  
  
Jensen lays his head down again, with no other choice than to trust Mike. There is either this or wait to die.  
  
He'll take any alternative over dying.  
  
“Promise me,” Mike says.  
  
“What?” Jensen can barely keep his eyes open.  
  
“Promise me you won’t die.”  
  
“I…”  
  
“You owe me, Jensen. Promise me, I want you to hear you say it.”  
  
“I promise,” Jensen mumbles.  
  
“I’ll be back as soon as I can, three hours at tops. Try to shift,” Mike says and checks one more time that Jensen has stopped bleeding.  
  
“I won’t be long,” Mike says before he shifts to wolf form and takes off.  
  
Jensen lets his head rest, but let his eyes linger on the shape disappearing through the woods. He closes his eyes and lets himself rest.  
  
 _I promise,_ he thinks. _I promise you, Jared, that I will come home to you._ He seeks the bond, tries to find his mate, to tap strength through their connection, and he cries when he’s left all alone.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

The sound of the doorbell reaches the back deck of the house and wakes Jared from his nap in the porch swing. He can hear his grandpa tossing through the living room just inside the open sliding doors. He can pick up muffled voices, but he’s not able to hear what they are saying. A minute later his grandpa is returning to the living room. A woman Jared's never seen before follows Grampa closely. They walk straight through the house and out to the porch where Jared has now shoved himself into sitting up. He feels groggy from the mid-day slumber, and his leg is asleep. He stands up and shakes it a little to allow the blood to flow again, barely constraining a grimace when the tingling turns to pain. But it eases quickly and he pulls himself together to focus on the stranger now standing a few feet away from him.  
  
“Hi, Jared,” she says, stretching out her hand in greeting.  
  
“Hello,” he says tentatively, not sure how to react to this guest. He can smell she’s a wolf. _Alpha_ he thinks, and wants to bow his head.  
  
His grandpa gently touches her shoulder to ask if she wants anything to drink. She accepts a bottle of water before sitting down in one of the chairs. He doesn’t ask Jared, but hands him one nonetheless. Jared uncaps the bottle and takes a swallow. It helps untangle his tongue from the roof of his dry mouth.  
  
Jared sits down again in the porch swing and waits for her to speak.  
  
“My name is Samantha,” she introduces herself, putting the still unopened bottle down on the table between them, “most friends call me Sam.”  
  
He nods, realizing that this must be JD’s wife. Jensen has told him about her.  
  
“I’m the pack’s psychologist and also a couple’s therapist,” she says.  
  
“Did Jensen send you?” He asks, not sure he’d like it if Jensen has sent a couple’s therapist to talk to him. Shouldn’t that be something they should decide together?  
  
“No,” she shakes her head. “He knows I’m here though, he’s the one that told me where I could find you. But I'm here on my own behalf.”  
  
“Okay,” he decides to hear her out.  
  
“I’m here because you’re pack, and because you’re not okay right now.”  
  
“Okay,” He repeats, and nods, not sure what else to say. He doesn’t know where this is going, and doesn’t see why she would care so much about him. He’s not a known member in the pack.  
  
“We, the pack, take care of our own, so when someone‘s not feeling okay, it’s my job as a psychologist to assist as much as I can. Also, I’m the Alpha’s mate, and as his partner I share in the responsibility to ensure the pack is okay, to do what I can to help. I know you don’t know me, so I understand if this is strange for you.”  
  
Jared just nods, a little unnerved at being called _one of their own_. The words have a nice ring to them, despite their oddness. But he quickly sobers; believing she will soon remember that he isn't really pack, and then she will excuse herself and leave.  
  
“I understand you haven't been part of a pack before.”  
  
“That’s right,” he confirms.  
  
“So I assume you don’t know how a pack works.” She doesn’t really phrase this as a question, more like a fact.  
  
“Not much, no,” he answers anyway.  
  
“That must be frustrating, just being thrown into pack without being prepared?”  
  
“Yeah, it is,” he nods, and he think it’s actually good talking to someone about it. Someone who is not Jensen, and not his family.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jensen doesn’t know how long he has slept when he hears voices in the distance. He glances up at the sky. Judging from how far the sun has moved past the sky, he’d say he has been out for at least 4 hours.  
  
He moves tentatively, but has to give up when pain shoots through his body. He wants to raise his head to see the men walking toward him, but the blood he's lost and the beating his body has taken has left him weak and dizzy.  
  
“Jensen!” he can hear a voice shout.  
  
 _Jeff_ , he thinks. _Jeff is here._  
  
Jeff and Mike run the last distance toward him, and Jeff kneels next to him.  
  
“My God, Jensen, what happened to you?”  
  
“Weres,” Jensen chokes out.  
  
“You fought?”  
  
“I was in their territory,” he says.  
  
“That’s all?”  
  
“Wild…,” Jensen explain. Pain is making it hard to talk, and he keeps his answers short.  
  
“We’ll get you out of here,” Mike says.  
  
Jensen turns his head to look at him. Mike’s in his human shape, even dressed in clothes now. Jeff’s clothes, Jensen thinks.  
  
“I’ll patch you up a bit before we carry you out of here, okay?”  
  
Jeff starts to poke and prod his body. Jensen fells it’s like he’s ripping every limb off of him when he checks every bone for possible fractures.  
  
“You haven’t broken anything,” he finally says when he has checked Jensen’s entire body. “You have lost a lot of blood though, and I don’t like the depth of the wound on your leg.  
  
Other than the leg, it's mostly skin and muscle tears. The bleeding's stopped, but the wounds haven't been cleaned and some of them already look infected--hot and swollen and red."  
  
"My leg won't move," Jensen says, groaning when he tries to shift it.  
  
“You have a deep bite, it’s torn up the muscle pretty badly. It'll probably take some time for you to heal.”  
  
He works on cleaning the worst of Jensen’s wounds with antiseptic that he had brought with him, and wraps his leg up in pressure bandage.  
  
“How are we going to get out of here?” Jensen thinks about the few feet he struggled to cover earlier and knows there's no way he's going to walk out of here.  
  
“We’re going to carry you,” Mike chimes in.  
  
Jensen turns his head and see that Mike is pulling out a plastic blanket and metallic poles that he put together to make a stretcher.  
  
“Will that hold?” Jensen asks in an attempt to focus on something other than the pain.  
  
“It’ll have to,” Mike says.  
  
“It’ll hold,” Jeff says, and Jensen shifts focus back to him.  
  
“Thanks for coming,” Jensen grips Jeff's forearm in gratitude. Jeff doesn’t answer; he just cleans out the rest of Jensen’s wounds.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

“You’re an alpha,” Jared says and looks at Samantha. He’s surprised how easily he picked up on it. He knew the moment he saw her, no doubt about it.  
  
Samantha nods, “yes I am.”  
  
"But how does that work?”  
  
“What are you asking, Jared?” She says, prodding him to clarify.  
  
“You’re mated to an alpha, right? How can two alphas...?”  
  
Samantha looks at him, cocks her head like she’s trying to figure _him_ out. “Is there anything that makes you believe we couldn’t?” she finally says.  
  
Jared's startled by the question. Of course there's--they’re both-- He looks at her, trying to figure out if she's making fun of him, or if this is some kind of test.  
  
“But shouldn’t you be… I mean, wouldn’t you be a beta, being mated to an alpha?”  
  
"Not necessarily, no. And I'm no beta. Why would you make that assumption?"  
  
“I…,” he’s feeling lightheaded. There is too much that doesn’t make sense anymore. Like his world is shifting by the minute. “…don’t know,” he says, really uncertain what he believes anymore.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jensen floats in and out of consciousness as Jeff and Mike carry the stretcher between them. The terrain is rugged and they have lashed him to the stretcher poles so he won't fall off when they navigate steep and narrow paths.  
  
He has no idea how long it’s taken them and how far they have walked when they finally arrive at a dirt road cutting through the forest. Jeff’s old Honda Civic is parked at the side of the road, and Jensen has never in his life been so happy to see that pile of crap car.  
  
It’s a 4 door car and with a little maneuvering they manage to get Jensen into the backseat.  
  
“I’m taking you to the hospital,” Jeff says as he gets behind the wheel. Mike buckles up in the passenger seat and Jensen only nods. He is starting to feel even more faint. The dizziness from earlier has gotten worse, and even though he tries, he's having a hard time following conversation.  
  
“Don’t call Jared,” is all he says, barely getting the words out.  
  
“Jensen, you know I have to,” Jeff says.  
  
“No,” Jensen protests, willing himself to focus long enough to get his words out. He doesn’t want Jared to worry, not if there is no reason to.  
  
“He’s your mate.”  
  
“He needs some time, please,” Jensen’s pleading now, and he can hear he’s whining. He is too exhausted to think and to argue. He just hopes that Jeff will feel sympathetic enough to listen to his pleas.  
  
“You are hurt,” Jeff says, apparently not willing to give up.  
  
“I'll be fine,” Jensen says, hoping that he’s right. Right now his leg is throbbing like a bitch, and he’s feeling quite nauseous. His vision is blurry, and every lurch of the car makes his head pound. He has to concentrate just to speak, every word he utters feels like far too much work.  
  
“When Jared finds out, he'll be livid,” Jeff insists.  
  
“Let me worry about that, okay?” Jensen doesn’t know how, he has never really seen Jared livid. He has seen him subdued, quiet, and ultimately sad and depressed, but not really angry. He’s more than willing to face an angry Jared though, if it means that Jared's willing to pick a fight with him. And besides, Jensen has no trouble standing behind his own decision. He does not want to worry Jared unnecessarily.  
  
“He’s my brother, he’s gonna kill me if I don’t tell him,” Jeff insists.  
  
“Jeff, please,” he pleads, “I just don’t want him to worry if there is no need to, okay? I want him to come back in his own time, not because I was stupid enough to run into wild were territory.”  
  
“Omega,” Mike says.  
  
“What?” Jeff turns his head to look at Mike. Jensen close his eyes, lets their voices swipe over him like a blanket. It feels safe listening to them, knowing that they are here, that they're taking care of him, that they will get him to safety.  
  
“They were an Omega pack,” Mike says.  
  
 _Omegas?_ He knows that Omegas sometimes find each other and form new packs. These are packs that won’t be included in the alliance. Some of them work together, but usually these are young, small and independent packs. Considering most of these omegas are shunned from their packs for breaking the law, a lot of these packs are behind the many crime syndicates that are a growing problem in Chester and the surrounding areas.  
  
“Do you know who they are?” Jeff addresses Mike.  
  
“Yeah,” Mike says, but he doesn’t elaborate.  
  
Jensen knows that Mike has lived as Omega for years now, and he suspects that Mike might be part of a new pack.  
  
“Hey,,” Jensen chokes out to draw Mike’s attention again.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Thanks for helping me.” The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that Mike probably stuck his neck out to save Jensen. He must have interfered with the fight. Broke them up and dragged Jensen out of there.  
  
“Don’t mention it,” Mike says.  
  
“But you…”  
  
“Please, Jensen, I never….. I would never watch you die, okay? Not if I could do anything to prevent it.”


	11. Chapter 11

Jensen sits on his bed, looking through one of Jared’s books. He had to stay in the hospital for two nights, but was released into Jeff’s care on the third day. The doctors weren’t pleased with him wanting to be released so soon, but with his wounds healing well and him agreeing to let Jeff take care of him, they allowed him to go home.  
  
Jeff had not given up the fight of telling Jared easily, but eventually Jensen had won. He promised to let Jeff call Jared if he got any worse, but as long as he healed as expected they wouldn’t worry Jared with it.  
  
All but the wound in his thigh had been flesh wounds and only one of those was deep. Jeff had patched him up good, and the doctors had cleaned out the wounds some more, and wrapped up the wounds to heal. The leg wound needed a little more care, and they had to remove some infected tissue before they could stitch it shut. They did a good job, and it didn't even look like there would be be much scarring.  
  
The pain in the leg shoots up through his hip and he has to change position to ease the pain. He has taken all the painkillers he’s been prescribed, but still there is a bit too much pain for comfort.  
  
The good thing though is that the pain distracts him rather efficiently from his thoughts.  
  
The book he’s holding is the one that was resting on the top of the pile on Jared’s night stand. He has quite a few books there, and Jensen doesn’t get how he’s able to read multiple books at once. He, himself, has to finish one book before he starts another, or else he’s destined to lose track of the plot.  
  
The book smells of Jared and it has his signature written all over it. The way the spine of the book is cracked with endless use, and the many colorful post it flags stuck to the pages to mark passages that Jared has found notable.  
  
He picks up another book and lets it fall open at a random random place. He flips through the pages and noticing underlined passaged scattered throughout the book.  
  
He thinks these books say so much about his mate. The way he use them, reads them, cherishes them. Many people would be horrified at the way he threats his books; underlining text, dog-earing the pages and stuffing them carelessly down whatever bag he’s carrying, even though he ends up with scratched and ripped covers.  
  
But Jared truly uses his books. He devours them, and doesn’t just keep them for show like so many others.  
  
None of them are just for display, and that is more than Jensen can say about most of his friends’, and his own book collection. He likes to read as well, but at least 60% of his books have never been opened and most likely, they never will be, unless Jared decides to read them.  
  
Jared doesn’t always say much about what he thinks and feels, but in these books, Jensen can see what Jared thinks is important.  
  
 _This is who he really is,_ Jensen think, brushing his hand over the words written on the paper.  
  
He is about to close the book when Jeff knocks on the door.  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen says and waits for him enter.  
  
“Just wanted to check if you wanted something to eat,” Jeff says, poking his head in for what feels like the fiftieth time in an hour. He doesn’t step inside but stands outside the door, leaning casually against the doorframe.  
  
“Not hungry,” Jensen says. He hasn’t really eaten much lately, and most of what he has eaten, he has thrown up again. Whenever he thinks about what he has done – to Jared- and the death he almost caused for himself, he gets nauseous. But Jeff has forced him to eat at least three meals a day.  
  
“You need to eat,” Jeff insists, pushing away from the doorframe, but still not stepping inside the room.  
  
“I said I am not hungry,” Jensen snaps, and Jeff throws up his hands in surrender.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Sorry,” Jensen mumbles under his breath, knowing that he snapped at Jeff for no reason.  
  
“I’ll make an omelet, and if you change your mind, there will be enough for you too, okay?”  
  
“Okay, thanks.”  
  
Jeff hesitates a moment lingering like he’s about to say something more, then raps his knuckles a couple of times on the doorframe, nods, and turns to walk away.  
  
“Hey, Jeff,” Jensen says just as Jeff is about to close the door.  
  
“Yeah?” Jeff opens the door again, and takes a step closer.  
  
“Why do you always call him a wolf?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“When you talk about Jared, even he does … when you guys talk about him, you always say _man_ and _wolf_ , but never _were_ , why?”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jared plays with Oreo, Grandma’s black and white cat. She hisses at him every time he snarls at her, letting his wolf show. He’s always found it funny how the animals knows that he is a wolf even when he’s in human shape.  
  
She’s wary of him, knowing that he can shift any moment.  
  
She’s not scared of him though, she knows him too well. She knows that he feeds her and pets her, and she can probably sense that he’s no threat to her.  
  
But he still likes to tease her.  
  
 _You’re equal partners_ , Samantha said.  
  
Jared can’t stop thinking about it, even as he’s poking Oreo to make her try to catch his hand.  
  
 _Equal partners,_ the words floats through his brain constantly.  
  
“You like me, don’t you, Oreo?”  
  
She doesn’t answer him, but she licks his hand, and the sandy tongue rasps his too cold fingers. “Wanna go for a run?” he prompts her.  
  
He put her down and moves in to change. He hasn’t been in his wolf shape since the mating, and his body aches for a shift. He usually shifts once every few weeks to go for a run. He thinks better in human shape, but in wolf shape he can let all his worries go.  
  
“Grandma, I’m going for a run,” he pokes his head into the kitchen to let her know he’s heading out.  
  
“Are you staying long? Dinner will be ready soon.”  
  
“I don’t know,” he says, feeling guilty for running out just before dinner. “I need to clear my head a bit. I’ll try not to be too long.”  
  
“You take your time,” she says, “dinner can be re-heated when you come back.”  
  
He runs to the guestroom, now serving as his room, and sheds his clothes, throwing them on the bed. He shifts, and as soon as he's a wolf again his senses sharpen. He can sense Oreo tensing, running to find shelter behind the couch.  
  
He trots through the living room and out the veranda door and drops into a gallop as he reaches the open field behind their next door neighbor’s house.  
  
He keeps to the path leading up into the hills. He doesn’t know this area well, and though he would likely be able to find his way, he doesn't really trust his underdeveloped navigation skills to get him back home. Better to stay on the path and pay attention to where he's heading.  
  
He keeps a steady pace and follows the path to the north. He can see the blue mountain in the distance, and he knows that Archer mountains lies on the other side of this chain of rocks. He can feel the pull towards Archer, and to the place where their mating took place.  
  
It’s a pull that has grown stronger over the last few days. Almost like the pull he felt towards Jensen before the mating, but this isn’t as frantic as it was back then. This is calmer, but deeper.  
  
He would have to cross large plains of bare mountains to get there though, and he knows that those areas would be too much for him to cross alone. Better to stay in the forest and keep safe.  
  
The shift feels good, and he embraces the feeling of running as a wolf.  
  
A wolf…. A _were?_  
  
 _“You’re not wolf and not a man, Jared, you are always a were,”_ Samantha -- Sam-- said, easy as that.  
  
He has never thought of it like that, like he is always the same, no matter shape.  
  
 _“You are who you are, don’t try to change into something you’re not.”_  
  
He has always thought of himself as a man, able to shift into wolf.  
  
 _”Just be yourself.”_  
  
And to be honest, the wolf in him has always scared him a bit.  
  
 _”Be who you are meant to be.”_  
  
Easy for her to say, when he doesn’t even _know_ who he is.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

“What are you doing?” Jeff says and startles Jensen. He was deep in thought, piling all of Jared’s books into a corner. There are a lot of them, and he's had to rearrange them a couple of times to get the larger books on the bottom and the smaller ones on top to keep the stacks from toppling.  
  
“I’m cleaning up,” Jensen says.  
  
“Jared’s books?”  
  
“Thought I might shift things around in here, so that we could fit a shelf for his books.”  
  
It wasn’t until Jensen started poking around Jared’s books that he noticed how few of them actually had fit into their shelves. It felt wrong, knowing that his own, unused, and mostly unloved books had a place in their shelves, but Jared's often-used and cherished books were piled up along the wall. The least he can do is to make sure that Jared has a place to store his books by the time he comes home.  
  
While Jeff was on shift at the hospital, Jensen spent the morning in the basement, sorting through the stuff stored down there. He knew there was a set of bookshelves, and eventually he found them, piled under a stack of ceiling tiles and a couple of old coverlets. With an electric screwdriver he had the shelves out and stacked to the side, got the sides, top, and base apart, and, in several trips, managed to carry the pieces upstairs. Once he'd cleaned the accumulated dust and dirt of years off the pieces and reassembled the bookcase on site, it looked pretty good. It might use a coat or two of paint, but he'd leave that up to Jared to decide.  
  
When Jeff came home and saw what Jensen had done, he started to yell at Jensen for putting too much strain on his wounds, but once Jensen explained the "parts" system, Jeff calmed down and helped with getting Jared's books onto the shelves.  
  
They start picking up books and sorting them onto the shelves, working silently side by side. Jensen doesn’t know what kind of system Jared used, so he tries to keep them together according to the piles Jared had them in, on the floor. He thinks he might have mixed things up when he moved books to make room for the bookshelves, but he hopes he hasn't scrambled things too badly.  
  
“Wanna talk about it?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“What made you do all this?”  
  
 _I have a lot to make up to Jared,_ he thinks.  
  
“Just…,” he shrugs, “he deserves so much better.”  
  
“Hm….” Jeff says, and Jensen can’t determine whether it’s in agreement or not.  
  
“You know you can talk to me, right?” Jeff continues. “I know he’s my brother, but, I’m still your friend right?”  
  
They haven’t really talked since Jeff carried Jensen body, half dead, out of the woods. Jeff has brushed the issue now and then, but Jensen has efficiently shut him up.  
  
It’s not that he doesn’t _want_ to talk, it’s more that he _can’t_. Or, he doesn’t know how. How do you tell your best friend you went temporarily insane when you realized you'd raped your mate--who is, coincidentally, your best friend's kid brother?  
  
“Talk about what?”  
  
“About what’s on your mind.”  
  
 _Chaos_ , Jensen thinks, that’s what’s on his mind. He can’t get rest, his brain won’t shut up. His thoughts are torn between thinking about Jared and thinking about Mike, and every time thinking about one of the two becomes unbearable, his thoughts go to the other--it's making him dizzy.  
  
“You mind?” he asks, before he loses his courage again.  
  
It might help talking about it - whatever he’s comfortable talking about, that is.  
  
“Would I have asked if I did?”  
  
“Mike,” Jensen says, realizing that he is the only one he can talk to Jeff about. It might help though, unloading one of his burdens.  
  
“Excuse me?” Jeff says.  
  
“I’m thinking about Mike,” Jensen says, and knows that he must be confusing Jeff. Obviously he expected to hear something about Jared.  
  
“I don’t think you have mentioned him before. I had no idea who he was when he….” Jeff throws his hands up like it’s supposed to mean something.  
  
It is true. The only one Jensen has mentioned Mike to is Jared, and even then he didn't say very much.  
  
“Haven’t seen him in 5 years,” he says, “I mean, before….”  
  
“That’s a long time,” Jeff comment.  
  
“Too long.” Jensen nods.  
  
“What happened?”  
  
Jensen puts down the book he’s holding, and leans back against the bed. His skin is crawling and his urge to shift and run is imminent.  
  
“I betrayed him,” he says. He doesn’t lift his eyes to look at Jeff. He doesn’t want to see the disappointment in his face.  
  
Jeff keeps shelving books at a steady pace, waiting for him to go on.  
  
“We were 17, best friends, always hanging out with Steve and Chris. Chris and Steve had their band, and they were spending more and more time practicing, convinced that they would be stars one day. Mike and I were bored, and we started to act out. Just little things at first. Breaking into the warehouse to smoke etc.”  
  
Jeff nods, clearly knowing how teenagers might act.  
  
“Mike wasn’t from the den, he had moved there just a few years prior, and he knew a lot of people in Chester. Older people. People that liked to throw parties.”  
  
Again, Jeff nods, but he doesn’t interrupt with questions.  
  
“It was one of those nights that we were offered drugs.”  
  
Jensen can still remember how it made him feel like he was superman. There was nothing he could not do. It was an incredible feeling.  
  
“I was afraid my dad would find out, Mike didn’t care much. He…..” Jensen gives it a thought before he continues. “I think he wanted to get away. He was miserable in the den. He had grown up outside it, and only moved there when his folks died, and I think he mostly acted out to get someone to care.”  
  
Jeff nods.  
  
“Of course, I didn’t get that at the time.”  
  
“You were just a kid.”  
  
“I was 17, big enough to be able to clue in on my best friend. But I was too busy feeling sorry for myself after Josh died, and trying to find my own place. I had lost my footing.”  
  
“I can see that. It can’t be easy losing a brother.”  
  
“No, I…” Jensen sighs, “I don’t think I will ever get past that.”  
  
“No one expects you to.”  
  
“I did, for a long time. I expected it to be better. To be fine again. And I was so angry when it didn’t. I started hating myself, and then I started hating everyone else.”  
  
“That’s understandable.”  
  
“Maybe. But it doesn’t excuse what I did to Mike.”  
  
“What did you do?”  
  
“I think we connected because we both had lost someone we loved. But I didn’t see the difference. I didn’t understand what I had left that he didn’t. That I still had a safety net around me. I had something more to lose, he didn’t.”  
  
“True.”  
  
“He saw that though, and I think he understood how important that was.”  
  
“Sounds plausible.”  
  
“So when I started to do drugs more and more, he wanted me to stop.”  
  
“Because you started to slip?”  
  
“Yeah. I started to care less.”  
  
“So what did he do?”  
  
“We fought. He threatened to tell my dad, or worse, to tell JD – Alpha. I was already in trouble, and this would….. doing drugs is--there's no tolerance for that in the pack.”  
  
“So what happened? Did it stop you?”  
  
“Nah, I was too far gone to care. He grabbed the drugs I had on me, and I told him to burn in hell, before I was out of there. I walked off some of the steam on my way home and fell asleep.”  
  
“And what about Mike?”  
  
“He didn’t do drugs, but he didn’t care about being caught partying, so he stayed. That night though he wasn’t coming home.”  
  
“What had happened?”  
  
“I’m not quite sure. He had been arrested at the party, accused of killing a guy.”  
  
“Oh, my god.”  
  
“Mike was a hot head, and he might fight people, but he wasn’t a killer.”  
  
“Was there any investigation?”  
  
“Sort of. Since they both were weres, it was left up to the were tribunal to handle. There was little evidence, and they couldn’t determine for sure what had happened. What they did know though, was that he was found with possession of drugs.”  
  
“Yours?”  
  
“Mine.”  
  
Jensen can feel the old feeling of shame flush over him. “I was so afraid of what it would do to me if they found out it was mine. I was scared to death to be shunned from the pack. Possession of drugs alone wouldn’t be alone to kick me out, but with B&E already on my rapsheet, I would have been in big trouble.”  
  
Jeff nods, but doesn’t say a word.  
  
“Mike was on the stand, he swore that he hadn’t been with anyone else that night, that he was alone from the den partying. He looked at me and dared me not to say anything, and I took the cop out. I shut my mouth, and I never said a word to defend Mike.”  
  
Jensen shakes with tears now.  
  
“I let him take the blame.”  
  
“Jense…”  
  
“You’re studying were medicine, right?” Jeff nods. ”You know how we react differently to drugs than humans do. We become wild animals. That rational side of us, that is always there even if we change into wolf, it’s basically stripped away when we’re on drugs. We are dangerous while it lasts, and it lasts for a long time, much longer than for humans, but afterwards, we are clean. For us, it’s a choice _every time_ we take it, which only makes my decision to take it – time and time again – so much worse. I was never addicted to it, my body never _needed_ it. It was just me that _liked_ it so much.”  
  
“God, Jensen…”  
  
“Mike was shunned. For the possession of drugs and for them believing that he had killed that guy- He was made Omega and kicked out of the pack. Three months later they found the real killer, and Mikes Omega status was revoked.”  
  
Jensen doesn’t look up, too ashamed, and too afraid of what he will see in his friend’s eyes.  
  
“By then I was clean, and I realized what I had done. I also realized what Mike had done, that he had saved my ass by not telling them about my drug abuse, and I begged him to come home, but he didn’t want to hear about it.”  
  
“Why…?”  
  
Jensen shakes his head. “I don’t know. I think… maybe he needed to be out of the pack, I don’t know. Maybe he was just a much better friend than I have ever been. But that was the last I saw of him, until he brought me home.”  
  
Jeff sits in silence watching him. “He must have kept tabs on you though,” he finally says.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“He knew where you lived, and who I was.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“He obviously still cares about you.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
 _Not that I deserve that,_ Jensen thinks. Jensen finally looks up at Jeff – really looks at him, and when Jeff looks back he says “Thanks for helping me.”  
  
“You’re _family_ ,” is all he says.

 

~*~*o*~*~ __

_Who am I?_ Jared wonders. The words has been churning in his head ever since Sam asked him who he was.  
  
 _I don’t know,_ he wanted to say, desperately wanting Sam to tell him who he is supposed to be.  
  
“I can’t tell you who you are,” she told him, “you’ll have to figure that out for yourself.”  
  
He just looked at her, wanting her to say something more. But she let the silence linger between them until he couldn't take it anymore.  
  
“I’m just….. I just try to be whoever people want me to be,” he said, “and I never thought there was anything wrong with that."”

 

~*~*o*~*~ __

_Family_  
  
The word lingers in the air, and Jensen almost chokes up. He’s glad Jeff’s turned his back on him to place the last of the books, so that he doesn’t see the tears in Jensen’s eyes.  
  
 _Family_  
  
That says it all, doesn't it? How Jeff is willing to fight for his own brother, go against even an alpha were, to make sure that his little brother isn’t hurt.  
  
And he’s willing to drag the same alpha were’s hurt ass through the woods to get him to safety, because he is his brother’s mate, his friends – _family_.  
  
The humans might be raised more as individuals, but they do have some of the pack instinct, after all. Or maybe it’s just the were blood in their veins – even the carriers are half-were.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

The landscape before him opens up to a wide plain. Archer mountains are visible in the distance, beyond the treetops he can see on the far edge of the plateau.  
  
 _I should be over there,_ he thinks, looking at what he realize is home.  
  
He feels disconnected. No longer rooted in what he knew, and not yet secure in knowing where he is heading.  
  
 _Lost_ he thinks, because he has always been one to follow, never being the one to lead the way.  
  
 _It’s about time you decide who you want to be,_ Sam had told him.  
  
Were, he thinks, is more than biology. Jensen is right about him being were, biologically, but Jeff is also right about him being human – culturally that is. And, Jared realizes, he has a right to be a mixture of all of it--it's _who he is_.  
  
And _home,_ he thinks, is more than just where he comes from, it is where he’s meant to be.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

It’s the middle of the night when Jared startles awake, heart beating fast in his chest and an ache in his leg where he's not been able to ease the faint pain all day. It's dark outside, obviously still the middle of the night.  
  
"Jensen!" Suddenly sure something's wrong with his mate, his breathing catches and stumbles as he frantically digs through his clothes seeking his phone in his jeans pocket.  
  
He pushes the power button but nothing happens, the battery is dead. He runs down to his grandparent’s kitchen to pick up the landline. He doesn’t remember Jensen’s cell phone number, but he knows Jeff’s by heart.  
  
Jeff is picking up on the third ring and he sounding ruffled by sleep and probably a bit worried when he’s woken in the middle of the night.  
  
“Jensen!” Jared says before Jeff can even say anything “is everything okay with Jensen?”  
  
“Hey, bro, calm down. Yes, he’s fine.”  
  
Jared feels like passing out, although he doesn’t know if it’s from fear or relief.  
  
“Do you want to talk to him?” Jeff asks, and Jared nods before he can find his voice. “Please.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jensen is wakened by Jeff walking in with his cellphone in his hand.  
  
“Jared on the phone for you,” He says and hands it over.  
  
His heart rate quickens, anxious as to why Jared would be calling in the middle of the night.  
  
“Jared?” He says, worry evident in his voice.  
  
“Are you okay?” Jared says and throws Jensen off with his question. “Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't I be?”  
  
“I don’t know, Jared says, I felt….” He breaks it off and leaves the sentence hanging in the air.  
  
“You felt what?”  
  
“I woke up sensing that you were hurt, and it scared me. I must have been dreaming.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“No, what?”  
  
“You weren’t dreaming.”  
  
“So you _are_ hurt?”  
  
“No. I mean yes, I was, but I’m fine now. I’m healing. I’ll be fine in a couple of days. I Promise.”  
  
“Good,“ Jared sigh, relief evident in his voice. “I was so scared.”  
  
“No need to be,” Jensen says, warmed by the sound of Jared’s voice. He can feel anxiety and relief flooding through him, and not all of those feelings are his own.  
  
The line goes quiet for a while, and they listen to each other breathe.  
  
“Are you okay?” Jensen finally asks, wanting to have his mate home again. He doesn’t beg for forgiveness, he doesn’t think he deserves that, but he asks if he’s coming home.  
  
“Soon,” Jared says. “I just need a little more time, just to wrap my head around things. But I will come home, I promise.”


	12. Chapter 12

The phone call comes on a Friday, almost three weeks after Jared left their apartment.  
  
“Can you come pick me up?” is all he says when Jensen answers, and Jensen promises he'll be there as soon as he can. He gets directions from Jeff, but declines his offer to come along. Jensen wants to meet his mate alone.  
  
Almost an hour and a half after he hung up with Jared, he's standing at the door, greeting the small woman who eyes him with caution. Introductions are quick--mercifully, Jared's grandmother seems to understand Jensen's anxiety.  
  
“Another time, you and I will visit and get to know each other,” she tells him before turning towards her grandson.  
  
She pulls Jared close and whispers something in his ear. Jensen does not listen, despite how easy that would be. He does make out the word “talk” but that’s about it.  
  
Jared nods and hugs her back fiercely.  
  
It doesn’t take long before they are back in Jensen’s car and the road beckons. It's quiet at first, no sounds but that of their breathing. Finally, Jared breaks the silence. “So, I talked to Samantha.”  
  
“You did?”  
  
“Yeah, she paid me a visit.”  
  
“Okay,” Jensen nods. “Figures. So, what did she say?”  
  
 _Being beta has nothing to do with your place in the relationship, it only describes your position in the pack._  
  
Jared looks embarrassed, but he smiles when he looks up at Jensen. “She said that both you and Morgan are idiots.”  
  
Jensen throws his head back and laughs, “I bet she did, and Jared?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“You better listen to Samantha. She is usually right.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Houses and trees pass them in a blur. Jared watches the landscape flow past through the windshield, and thinks about the last time they drove into Chester like this, the day he moved out of his parents’ home.  
  
Back then, he had felt numb. His whole world had been turned upside-down in an instant, and he’d had nothing substantial to hold on to.  
  
This time, he has his mate. _Their bond._  
  
He felt it when Jensen laughed, the excitement and relief that flooded through him, and the knowledge that it wasn’t just his own emotions he was experiencing was kind of overwhelming. He knows this is just the beginning, that this is their start. That they still have a lot of work ahead of them.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jared says, hoping Jensen hears how much he regrets shutting himself off.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

Jensen pulls over and parks the car at the side of the road. “You’re _sorry_?” He can’t believe the words he’s hearing.  
  
“Yeah, for running away. For not telling you what was going on in my head.”  
  
 _One cannot repress feelings selectively,_ he remembers Sam saying, referring to Jared's ability to shut down his wolf instinct and cutting off his ability to send and receive emotions over the bond. It will take time to rebuild, she had warned him, and told him to be patient.  
  
Jensen wants to tell Jared it's not his fault, that Jensen is the one who's sorry, he should have realized something was wrong. But he doesn’t. He can feel the guilt seeping over the bond, radiating from Jared and seeping into the core of Jensen’s heart. The bond is still weak, and only the strongest emotions pass through, but it’s there, and that’s a start. Instead of denying Jared’s assumptions, he surprises himself and tells Jared that he is forgiven.  
  
 _Forgiven_ , he thinks, because he realizes that Jared too has to take responsibility of his own actions before he can move on. He too deserves the responsibility of owning up to his own mistakes, and being treated as the grown man he is. And Jensen has to give him that respect.  
  
“And I hope you can forgive me too,” he adds, taking Jared’s hand to hold.  
  
“For what?” Jared says, looking at him wide eyed and confused.  
  
“For raping you,” Jensen breaths, voice broken, but he doesn’t look away, it’s time they both show their true feeling.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

 _For raping you._  
  
Jensen's words hit hard, and Jared almost loses his breath. "What?"  
  
“I know you said you were okay with it, but I should have known something was wrong.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I didn’t know you were uncomfortable with…us…. But I knew, I felt…. I didn’t know why I couldn’t feel the bond, yet I never pushed you to talk to me. I trusted our bond to tell me if something was wrong, even though I knew it was lacking. It never occurred to explain to you about being beta, even though I know you are raised human. I just didn’t think!” Jensen sobs, “I just didn’t think, and I am so sorry. God I am sorry.”  
  
“You trusted my words.”  
  
“I shouldn’t have.”  
  
“Of course you should. Would it be better if you accused me of lying?”  
  
 _Even though I did._  
  
“I failed to read your body.”  
  
“I didn’t let you read my body,” Jared insists. “I didn’t let you.”  
  
Jared feels the energy leave him like the air is let out of a balloon. He didn’t know how tense he had been, how much it had cost him to keep himself together.  
  
“You didn’t rape me,” he says again, “but I agree, you should have explained to me about being a beta. That would have helped. But I can forgive you that.”  
  
Jensen sits still for a while, and Jared listens to him breathing. Their hands are intertwined, and Jared lets his thumb stroke the v between Jensen’s thumb and index finger.  
  
“I need you to promise me one thing,” Jensen finally says. Jared swallows and waits for him to continue. “I need you to work on being honest with me. I don’t want to mistrust you, but it’s gonna take me a long time to trust you again, to trust that you won’t lie to me and let me hurt you. “  
  
“I..”  
  
“Wait,” Jensen gestures for him to stop. “I know you didn’t do this on purpose. I know you didn’t mean to put me in this position, but you did. I don’t want you to feel like you have to pretend with me, and I don’t want to think that you might be doing that. So please, let us work on that together. For us.”  
  
“I promise,” Jared whispers, and makes a pledge to live up to his words.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

They drive in silence the rest of the way, both of them in deep thought, but with the air lighter between them. It’s like a wall has been torn down between them. Jensen doesn’t believe everything is resolved, far from it, but he thinks they are finally at a starting point. A place where they can move forward together.  
  
They almost trip over boxes as soon as they enter their apartment, and Jared stumbles into Jensen as he comes to a sudden halt not to crash into a large box.  
  
“Jeff?” Jensen yells, looking at the clutter that’s filling up the little space in their hallway.  
  
“Hi,” Jeff says, walking in from the livingroom, carrying yet another box.  
  
“What’s this?” Jensen says and swipes his hand to capture the display of containers.  
  
“I’m moving out,” Jeff says, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
“You’re moving out?” Jared blurts out behind him, and Jensen turns to look at his mate’s concerned expression before he turns back to Jeff.  
  
“Look, I know….I….”  
  
"Jeff," Jensen steps closer to him. "You didn't do--"  
  
“No, listen to me,” Jeff says and gesture to them both to stop talking. “I know living with your brother when you’re newly mated isn’t great,” he says looking straight at Jared. “I didn’t think about how I interfered. I honestly tried to help.” The regret is evident in his voice, and he turn to look at Jensen as well as Jared.  
  
“I know,” Jared mumbles.  
  
“I just want you two to be alone and be able to work on your relationship, that’s all,” he says, looking at Jensen now, clearly telling him that he got the message loud and clear in their fight before.  
  
“Jeff..,” Jensen starts, wanting to tell him that he doesn’t have to move out.  
  
“No, I want to,” Jeff says, “it’s best for us all.”  
  
“But where will you be?” Jared moves to stand next to Jensen.  
  
“I’ll stay with Chris and Steve for a while, until I can find a new place.”  
  
“But that’s… they don’t even have an extra room.”  
  
“It’ll be fine.” Jeff shakes his head in protest. “There are always vacancies at the beginning of a semester, when people decide not to start school after all. I'll find something.”  
  
“You sure?”  
  
“I’m sure.”  
  
They stay silent for a while, just staring at each other. Jensen feels a knot at the pit of his stomach, not liking the feeling of kicking his friend out of his home.  
  
“I love being your roommate,” Jeff says to Jensen, “but I love being your friend even more. And with time you might even consider me your brother?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen nods, thinking that he might. “I think you’re right.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jared says beside him.  
  
“No, don’t be,” Jeff says. “I’m proud of you.”  
  
“Of me?” Jared tilts his head and looks surprised.  
  
“Yeah, _you_ ,” Jeff smiles and pulls him into a hug.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

It’s late before Jeff finally leaves, and the sound of the door closing behind him leaves Jared with a strange feeling of closing a chapter of his life.  
  
“You okay?” Jensen wraps his arms around him, but Jared keeps staring at the closed door, like it can give him answers.  
  
“Yeah,” he finally says. He thinks he actually is fine.  
  
“You sure?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jared nods, “Weird is all.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“First time I’ll be living on my own,” he says, “I mean… without my family.” He shakes his head, “I mean, my birth family.”  
  
“I know what you mean,” Jensen says.  
  
“It’s good.”  
  
“Yeah, it is,” Jensen nuzzle his neck.  
  
“Scary.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“But good.”

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

 _\- 9 moons later-_  
  
  
Jared, a halfbreed were, trots through the forest. Next to him, matching his every step, runs his mate. They have just left their home in the city and have put miles underneath their paws in a matter of minutes.  
  
They are heading towards his birth home, where his family is waiting for him, about to celebrate his 19th birthday. His brother has driven out there before them, and brought with him their bags, so that the two weres could run freely through the woods.  
  
They started out early, enough so they can spend some time in their mating place. It’s where their bond can be felt the strongest, and where they feel mostly as one.  
  
They try to visit here at least once a month, usually under the full moon. This trip isn't beneath a full moon, but they wanted to stop anyway.  
  
Jared slows his pace when they enter the clearing next to the river, and he laps a few mouthfuls of water before he shifts to human shape. He is more comfortable than he used to be being in wolf shape, but he still prefers the human form.  
  
He has grown used to being in pack, being beta. Jensen has taught him pack customes, pack history, and explained what’s expected of him. And Sam has helped them work together. They have had couples counseling once a week, for a few weeks. They manage on their own now, but they know that Sam’s door is always open if they need it. It isn’t perfect, but life rarely is. They still have some way to go, and a lot to learn. But they are taking the journey together.  
  
 _“I think your family has expected you to act like a human, to stop listening to your senses, and because they are your pack, you have done that. Your instinct to follow your pack is so strong you managed what is practically impossible for a were, you managed to work against your nature. That shouldn’t be possible. Only a very strong person, a strong_ beta _, can do that, it takes a powerful mind.”_  
  
His mate takes longer to shift, pacing, sniffing, lapping at the water. He leaps and play-fights with his shadow in the sun. Jared laughs at him, feeling the joy reverberated over the bond, the emotions much stronger now that they’re here at the mating place.  
  
 _”Wouldn’t alphas be better at that?”_  
  
The bond has grown stronger over the last few months, but it’s not like they constantly know what the other is thinking, or feeling, and apparently, they cannot expect it to be like that either. But they read each other much easier now than they used to.  
  
 _An alpha would break out of the pack to form his own. A beta is programmed to follow the pack._  
  
Jared dares to be himself more as well, again with the help of Sam and Jensen. It took a while before he trusted himself to be who he really is.  
  
He’s not really sure yet, who he is. He knows a bit about what he likes and what he doesn’t like, but he’s still learning to know himself. He is still learning that his voice matters as much as the next, and if he disagrees with Jensen, or anyone else, it doesn’t necessarily mean that _he_ is the one to back down.  
  
That though, has been a mixed experience.  
  
It's true that by voicing his opinion he's achieved a little more, but that can also lead to arguments with Jensen. It turns out they don't always agree. Jared has begun to learn, though, that fighting isn't the same as a falling-out.  
  
The first couple of arguments, he was devastated. He's apparently very good at shutting down his emotions as soon as he thinks Jensen's angry with him. Now their bond is more finely-tuned, the sudden shutdown has more of an impact on Jensen. It triggers a migraine, which in turn makes Jared feel guiltier, which leads to further shutdown. It can be a whole cascade of mess.  
  
It took them quite a few fights and a few make ups to talk it through and find effective ways to prevent it from happening. Jensen is still, all these months later, very clear on telling Jared every time they disagree that he's not mad at him.  
  
It might be an unnecessary precaution, but it surely has saved Jared a lot of heartache and Jensen a lot of headache, so they see no reason to change it, as long as it seems to be working.  
  
And learning to talk to each other has opened up to a whole new world. They can see each other now. Learn each other and love each other.  
  
He might not know what the future holds for them. He does know that Jensen has a real passion for politics, and that Jeff Morgan truly is grooming him to take over as the pack Alpha when Morgan resigns one day. And as scary as that thought is, Jared knows he can face that as long as he has his mate by his side, and the support of his family and pack. He has a mate that he trusts and respects, and he knows that Jensen respects him back.  
  
Jeff has found a new place to stay, but he still drops by constantly, and keeps bugging Jared to no end. Having him living so close, but not in the same apartment, has been a blessing. They have really gotten to know each other all over again, this time as equals and not as big brother watching over the little kid.  
  
It’s like getting to know a whole new person. Opening up, and daring to show his family who he really is, has given them the opportunity to meet him in a whole different way as well. It wasn’t just a matter of them not seeing him, but him letting them see him. And being loved for who you truly are, and not who you think you should be, does make you feel better. It gives you motivation to keep trying on days when you are overwhelmed and ready to give up.  
  
 _It makes you think it’s worth it to stick it out._  
  
“What are you thinking about?” Jensen interrupts his thoughts, and Jared is surprised to see he has shifted to human form.  
  
“How much I love you,” Jared says. It always brings a smile to Jensen’s face when he tells him he loves him, and he loves watching his mate smile  
  
“I love you too,” Jensen says, moving in to capture his lips.  
  
The sun kisses their skin and warms them both, even though they're naked.  
  
“Yeah, you do?” Jared let his hands wander over the soft skin of his mate’s body.  
  
“I sure do,” Jensen mumbles against his lips. “C’m here,” he pulls Jared closer so that they are touching from top to toe. They use their hands to caress each other, no rushed movement. They kiss languidly while letting their hands map their bodies.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

There is no rush.  
  
Nothing else is heard but the two of them, and they exist solely for each other. They give and take with each other, through touch, half-formed words, and by emotions flowing freely between them both. They let themselves be led, and give back with the same strength, neither more powerful than the other.  
  
Jensen captures Jared’s mouth, tastes him, asking him how far he wants to go. Jared answers just as eagerly, impatient to move forward.  
  
They trust and have faith in each other, and when Jensen guides them to lay down, Jared on his back and Jensen on top of him, there is no fear to be seen in Jared’s eyes.  
  
They let their hands speak for them, stroking and touching every inch of naked skin they can reach.  
  
They don’t take turns, not yet, they have committed to Jared being top for now. They have accepted the fact that Jared is a top, that he most likely will continue to prefer to be a top, but they haven’t ruled out the possibility that some day, not now, but one day they might want to switch.  
  
And it’s okay.  
  
Though Jensen used to switch, to being top one day, and bottom another, he doesn’t mind being solely a bottom these days. To be honest, that’s what he prefers. With them, this feels right.  
  
He knows that Jared wants to be able to bottom for him, because he wants Jensen to be able to switch now and then, but it is Jensen that holds back. Part of him wants to allow Jared to show him that he can bottom now, and Jensen is sure that Jared would be okay with that now. He trusts his mate to tell him if he wants to stop. But Jensen still can’t shake the feeling of intruding on his mate, just at the thought of pushing into him. He needs more time before he’s ready to try that again.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

When Jared thrusts into Jensen, it’s not with the force he once dreamt of doing when fantasizing about having sex. He used to picture himself pounding into someone’s ass, but instead he finds he's more mesmerized by the taste of Jensen’s skin, the look of his face when he’s flushed, and the noises he makes when he’s impatient for Jared to move.  
  
Sure, some days Jared wants it a bit rougher. Some days it’s all about reaching that height, and even taking more than giving, but most days, and those are the days that he savors, are about making love.  
  
It _is_ love, and he is sure he is home now. He knows where he belongs , with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life. This man moving beneath him is home for him, in more ways than he thought anything – anyone – could ever be.  
  
He belongs, just as he is.

 

~*~*o*~*~

 

“Do you want to marry me?” Jensen asks when they lay side by side in the warmth of the sun, legs tangled together. Jared has almost fallen asleep, and he has to look twice to see if Jensen is mocking him.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I said,” Jensen moves to lay on his side to look straight at Jared. “Do you want to marry me?”  
  
“I think you have forgotten that we are already mated,” Jared laughs. His stomach flutters, even though the proposal is just for fun. There had been a time when he dreamt of asking someone the same question, about planning a future, and choosing their own path.  
  
He doesn’t think about that too much anymore, content in knowing that he has who he wants by his side.  
  
“Not what I asked,” Jensen says, “I asked if you wanted to _marry_ me. I know you dreamt of a wedding and a marriage, and I know that you wanted it done by human customs. I know you wanted to fall in love before you committed, so aside from the fact that we are already mated, let’s get married as well.”  
  
“Are you saying that….”  
  
“Yes,” Jensen interrupts him with a kiss, and Jared chases it when he lets go. “I am saying that I love you, Jared Tristan Padalecki. I am saying that even if I weren’t bonded to you, and had no choice in the matter, I would still have fallen in love with you. And I am saying that I would still have chosen to be with you, even if I didn’t have to. So will you please stop stalling and say yes already?”  
  
Jared looks at Jensen. The way the sun reflects in his hair, the way he tilts his head, and chews on his lip when Jared stays silent too long.  
  
“No,” Jared says finally says and shakes his head.  
  
Jensen’s eyes goes wide, and he breaths out a surprised, and maybe a little hurt “No?”  
  
“No,” Jared says and moves to lay on his side as well, facing Jensen and letting his hand stroke his mate’s hip. “I won’t marry you.”  
  
“But…,” Jensen moves to sit up and Jared pushes him down gently.  
  
“I won’t marry you, because we are already mated,” he leans in to kiss Jensen. ”And I don’t want to lessen the value of our mateship by having to marry you instead.” Is it one thing he has learned over the last few months, is that they both need to have respect for each other’s cultures. “Our mating is more than enough. But,… “Jared says before Jensen can give him an answer, “That doesn’t mean we can’t have a party to celebrate our mating, right? Just like we would if we had a wedding? That’s where were-society has seriously failed. Celebration man, that’s important.”  
  
Jensen laughs, “Yeah, I like that idea.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.” Jensen gives him a kiss. “So you’re sure you’re okay with this.”  
  
“I am sure,” Jared says and thinks that he might talk Jensen into the human tradition about wearing matching rings as well.  
  
“Good.”  
  
“And Jensen?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I’d choose you, too.”

 

THE END


End file.
